For The Love of The Game

*If you don't know some of these terms for roller derby, all you have to do is read some of my older post and it will all be explained in there.*

Part of me missing roller derby. There. I said it. It's been two weeks and I already feel so out of the loop. My wave (remember what a wave is guys?!) is taking their skills tests. Whoever passes will be able to fully play derby in full beast mode. Of course, people won't pass, and that will be cool, too. Its' really hard. It's seriously hours of hard core skating, showing off everything you just spent the last 18 weeks working on. They should be beyond proud of themselves. BEYOND. Anyone who is willing to join a contact sport, trains for 18 weeks, then puts it all on the line....awesome. Words can't describe how great it is to be have been able to watch everyone.

Then I think about if I want to get back up on skates. I've had far to much time to think about it and freak myself out of skating again. I need my new brace, as I keep saying, but bills bills bills. Let me tell you how great it is to be an adult.

I'm not sure how some people do it. I look at my sister. She works....holy poop does she work. She also has a six year old, a husband, pets, and she plays derby. I have no idea how she does it. I tell her that, too. Like seriously though. I don't understand people that can work, go to school, have a life...blah blah blah. It makes me feel so lazy inside!!!
However, through everything my sister broke her leg, was off skates for months and still found ways to go to practice and get back on skates and kick derby's butt.
There are many girls who break things and get back on skates and they are some people who never get hurt at all, just like any sport.

However, with that being the case...I wish I would get out of my head. I love NSOing, I feel like I'm good at it and I'm truly learning the game, which is awesome! Those knee taps though...they're holding me back from skating. I'm so scared I'll come down and never get back up. I'm scared that I'll roll my ankle again and this time it'll be even worse. After all, my ankle still bothers me. Poop.


Anyone else feel this way about things? I mean, it's just a love/hate relationship, but there's something about it. I know I shouldn't let fear stop me from doing something I want to, but then I love to NSO and that way I can still be around it, without having to actually skate.
I'm a baby.

Back to the start of this whole thing. Watching my wave come to an end it's almost surreal. I can't believe it's been 18 weeks and these people have come so far with skating and their skills. It's mind blowing and amazing. I'm just happy to be apart of the overall picture.

Goodbye Wonderland?

I found out that because someone in Washington State shares the same derby name, I might have to change mine. If I can get written permission from the other that it is okay to use the name then it will be no problem. I was going to give it a week or so to see if I heard back. I only found the teams facebook page. I did message them, they did read it, and now it's a waiting game. I'm not sure what will happen if hey don't message me back.
If nothing else I will change my name is Malice in SlamHerLand. I thought it was funny.

In other news, my ankle is sprained....which we knew, but it was worse than I was first told. I'll be off of skates for, at least, another month. If I ever want to go back to skating I will need high top skates, which they don't make for derby. So that means a brace it is. My sister says she doesn't see why I will forever need one, but the sports doctor said. So I guess we will see.

Guess that's all for now!

Burning Questions

So lately I have noticed something. I feel like I have talked...well graced this question/topic before, but I really need to get it out there. I have noticed that most people I know support gender and sexuality equality. I want to say, I'm proud to know so many supporters.

With that though comes this...why is it still such a big deal?! Why isn't it just something normal now. Like, are you bothering me? Are you hurting me? NO! You're going about your business causing no harm, just being gay. (trying through some punning humor in this....working?) Now, it is different when you have that ones that ruin it for everyone, but you have that for anything. There is always a jerk. Even in your group of friends you have at least one jerk!

Get with the times people.

With that, I know some trans people and there is one thing I've come to notice. (in talking with them and others!) That is, if you don't know if you're comfortable enough to ask a question, or if you're unsure if it'll offend them...DON'T ASK. Like, seriously. I hate it when I have a zit and someone is like "what's that? Something is on your face." YEAH THANKS I KNOW. Seriously. Did you have to point that out?
The inter-web is a wonderful thing. USE IT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING.

Again, this doesn't effect everyone. I do know some people that are so open about everything, they don't care. However, as a good rule of thumb, just keep it in mind that if you're unsure if it's okay to ask...it might not be okay to ask.
Now one of my very good friends is going through a transition and I know I can ask him anything and everything and he will never get upset. Then again, I know a few others that I'm friends with, but I do watch what I ask out of respect.
Another thing to keep in mind: it's all in the way you ask! It's easy to tell when someone truly is curious and wants to know and when someone is taking a hit. Please nice. Seriously.


I don't know. That's just been something on my mind lately. People are so rude. They see things in one light and that's that. Just because something is the way you like it, or the way you do things doesn't mean it's the only way.

A short.

Derby derby derby.

I took my LOA or leave of absence. I was hoping I wouldn't have too, but it was time to come with terms, I might not be skating for a while.
With that being said....NSOing is wonderful.

This past week I learned how to score keep! It's a lot easier than I thought it would be (good think I know most of the hand signals from the refs already), but it does take math skills and lets' just say...I don't math well.

Long story short, I'm happy to be doing something with derby.

On the other side of things, while NSO-ing I had a really good talk about gender and sexuality. Derby people just get it. I love that.

Skater Down

Yesterday I thought about not going to practice again, after all, they were just taking pictures. I felt like I didn't belong in any of the pictures. Do I go with the fresh meat? Do I go with the NSO? Do I go anywhere? Well, long story short I went.

As soon as I walked in I hear this wailing. Everyone went down on one knee and I saw her. One of my favorite's on the ground just screaming. I've never heard someone screaming so loudly. I walked into the bathroom (she was already being tended too) and a girl right behind me rushing in saying that a girl was down and requesting a vet skater.

Not to long after that the ambulance was there, taking her away. A girl rushed into the bathroom feeling sick because her anxiety spiked.

It's hard. It's easy to really say that roller derby is a complete mind f*ck. A group of you were all just working on the same thing, you could've been feeling like you were finally getting it and then BAM. Out of no where someone is on the ground hurt...extremely hurt from something you were just doing.

I was lucky. I just had a sprain. It's hard enough wanting to even work out. I want to get on skates, but knowing that I'll have to do knee-taps which is how I got hurt...it's scary. Everyone who has gotten hurt has been there. Getting back up isn't easy, but it's what one has to do.

I was watching tv today and there was a quote, one that I've heard before and every time it makes me think. "Everyone falls down, but only a true hero gets back up."

It is such a strong statement and I think it's one that can carry us in whatever we do. Maybe you don't see yourself as a hero, but if you keep getting back up and you keep trying one day you'll go somewhere and you never know who you will inspire on your way.


As for the skater down? She has a total of five fractures. Three in her ankle and two in her leg. She will need surgery and at least 8-12 wees of being off that ankle/leg. The plus side is watching the whole team (fresh meats and vets) come together and help her and her family. People have already started volunteering to get her car home, take her food, babysit for her...whatever she needs. That's the meaning of roller derby.

As for me? I came home last night laughing, happy! I remember why I was so excited about joining in the first place. It wasn't to get in shape, (even though you will....you will gain weight, but it will be all mussel!) it wasn't to say I was doing it. It was to do something with my sister, to push myself into something new, and to start something where everyone has your back.
 Surrounding yourself by the best people can only help you in being the best you.

Clarissa Explains It All: Update

Clearly I've been watching too much Amazon Prime lately...aka nothing, but Clarissa Explains It All. Really though, who doesn't love the 90's?  I didn't go to derby practice yesterday. I was debating if I should have gone anyways, but then I didn't wake up until 10...so there went that.

--------just saying though, waking up that late is amazing!----------

On our Facebook page some people posted that they were unable to make it to practice and asked what we did. Let me tell you...that wasn't the practice to miss. They learned an amazing amount of new things that I don't even know what half of the crap is. I know the 180 knee taps and that's about it.

I am feeling like this ankle thing will never heal...even though it is...how lame is that? 

I'm pretty sure I'm just going crazy from being in my house so much and yet I still don't want to do anywhere. 

On the Disney front: I got out of submission for a call center job!!! For anyone that doesn't know this is how Disney works....you find a job to want to apply for and apply for it online. Within minutes (most of the time) you're put in to  two groups, submission or no longer in consideration. How they do that...I don't know. After that you'll be in progress, then pre and post interview, then you'll find out if you got the job or not! ---the DCP is a little different, you're just submission then in progress the whole time-- 

Anyways, a few weeks ago I was just playing around and thought "WHY NOT?!" and applied for a few different jobs at Disney, one being in the call center. A few days ago I was on my dashboard and I got out of submission! Even if I don't make it any further I think it's pretty awesome that I even got out of submission for a REAL Disney job! 

In the meantime...I'm still waiting to hear about the DCP. I feel terrible because some people are still in submission for that. Come on Disney!

Vocab time!:

180 knee taps: tap your knee down, turn 180 and get back up, all while still moving as fast as possible. It's used to turn around quickly during game play if you get knocked down.....yeah...sounds easy...sure. 

Soul Crusher

Here's a little update....after sulking all day on Tuesday and hating my life, I went to bed. I woke up and got a hair cut. I plan on getting a massage next week and guess what? I don't really hate life anymore. Sure, it sucks. Being turned down will always suck. However, I will keep thinking about the upside to everything. There's always more chances and more auditions, I don't have to wear the fur and I might still be offered another role. There are some jobs...or rolls as they call them, that I would love to have down there. One girl said "at least I'll be down there." When I think about it, it's true! She will still get to go down there and spend a few months surrounded by the happiest place on Earth. That opens a huge door.

Now I should explain that I'm not trying to be bitter. There are some things I don't understand about that audition. There will always be things you don't understand. You could've killed the audition...best one in your life and if you're not what they're looking for....that's that. It helps that I knew I wasn't going to be a princess or anything. I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I'm a size 11 (or so, you know those weird in between sizes. That's me). However, to be a character at Disney? Come on now. I read somewhere that most of the princesses are a size 2 or 4 and that there is a few that are size 6. If you read their website is does say height is the most important, but there's no reason to not face that facts on that one.

Anyways, so I sulked and was fine. Until practice that night. Watching is starting to get more annoying than anything. I want to get back up and start skating again. At least until they need their knee taps. That's still scaring the crap out of me. I'm not sure if I'm in the right mental state to do that now.

I did stay after and started to NSO. Non-skating official. I had to sit, so I was put in the penalty box. Sit with a stop watch, as soon as your color (depending on what side of the box you're sitting on and what side of the track the girls are on) sits down the timer starts. They sit for 20 seconds then you say color, number and stand. They stand and after ten more seconds (so they're there for 30 seconds total) you say color, number and done. Then they go back on the track. Next week we get to learn how to do paper work for the box as well. There are more jobs as well like penalty tracker and score keeper. Everyone keeps saying it's one of the best ways to learn how to play the game and just learn the game in general. So for now, that's what I will do.

My spirits? Keeping them as high as possible. You will hear a million "no's" before you get a "yes"....that one yes is all that matters.

Oh and for anyone who is wondering....soul crusher is a derby term. It's part of a strategy. One jammer knocks the other out of play and goes as far back on the track as she can causing the one that was knocked out to enter behind the one who knocked her out. Pretty much it makes the one who got knocked out have to skate further before entering to play again. It's a lot easier to see.

Watching The Masses

Everyone compares themselves to other...everyone watches other people. Come on now. I know a lot of people who can even say that "people watching" is one of their favorite things to do.

Today in practice...that's what I got to do. I watched.

At first I was really excited for it. Watching everyone skating around the track and doing the basics was really helping me understand what we were really doing. I know what to watch for now and it makes it a lot easier to notice things.

However, even though we're not suppose to judge other people, it is hard. I'm watching some of these girls that can clearly skate better than I can and so, naturally, that causes me to get down on myself. Then I notice half of the girls are at my level. --staying up, hardly falling, just trying--

There were some tears today. They may have been tears before, but this was the first time I saw someone crying at practice. I felt her pain. I've been there already as well.

It's funny because we are all trying new things. I've noticed that even the girls who I thought were beyond amazing were stumbling and having a hard time on at least one thing.

I was pretty upset because today we...well they learned how to do 180 transitions and turn around toe stops. Pretty much the transition is turning in around by lifting your feet (at least your heals) off the ground. The turn around toe stop is the same thing, but you put your toe stop down after you turn in order to stop and change direction that you're going if need be. I've been all about it and I was pretty bummed I miss it.

The swelling in my ankle has gone down, but there's a chance I won't be able to finish this wave. Wave being the group of girls that's training at a time. For now I'm keeping my hopes high and if nothing else I'm going to start does NSO-ing. NSO being non-skating official. Pretty much....score keepers.

We will see what it's like after Tuesday. The big audition day.

Until then R.I.C.E. is my friend, and I will keep it up.

Anyone can do anything for 30 seconds. 
There is always one thing someone can't do. No one is perfect.

Roller Derby...the Pain.

I finally hurt myself.

I shouldn't say finally. I should say....I had my first real fall. Not only was it my first fall, but it was the first fall during practice to actually stop a practice. Now I'm worried I'm "that" girl. I had to get up and rest my ankle, sitting with ice on it for the last half hour of practice. This morning isn't much better. On the plus side, my sister was there and got my water bottle and some pain killer right away. It isn't swollen and they don't think it's much, just a pulled muscle. For a pulled muscle...this sucker hurts! (the next day up date at the bottom)

I'm worried about going back now. Not because I'll get hurt again. I'm worried if I can stand to be on skates for two hours while working muscles that don't like being worked.

We were doing knee taps. For anyone that doesn't know what knee taps are you go down, tap one knee on the ground and quickly get up again...all of this while still skating and moving forward. If you stop (which I did...a lot!) you're not doing it right.

Doing a relay, we skated, t-stop, skated, knee tap, skated, rock star, then skated back as fast as possible ending in a one knee slide to high five the next person in line. The first time around I was way better than I thought I would be and I was proud of myself. Then we had to go again. My t-stop was worse (which I suck at them anyways) then came the one knee tap. I went down, pushed on my toe to come back up and rolled my ankle. A large pop and that's all it took for me to curl in a ball on the floor. With my skate off I felt so much better and ready to get back up...until I got up. Shooting pain went into my calf until I started walking a bit more. Then I felt pretty good the rest of the night. The more I move today - the better it feels, but I'm so scared to push it.

I'm proud that I wanted to get up and finish practice. I'm proud that I walked it off as much as I could. I'm not so proud of how scared I am to go back to practice on Sunday. I can't walk without a limp...how am I suppose to go to practice?

Vocab Time:
T-stop: A way to stop skating. Place one foot behind the other forming a T. Gently squeeze with your butt and your thighs to pull your back foot close, making yourself stop and the "T".
Rock Star: A way to fall. Drag one toe letting yourself gently glide to one knee, then gently place your other knee down and slide like a rock star would!
One-knee Slide: A way to fall. Like the rock star, but you only put the one knee down and slide until you stop.


Update: It's been two days since I hurt my ankle and my sister is finally making me go to urgent care. I worked yesterday and I came home to rest...later that night my ankle bone was swollen. This morning it is still swollen and still hurts. It was going to happen. I have to go to urgent care. That also means...no skating Sunday. The plus side of that is I get to rest up for my audition on Tuesday for the DCP. Hopefully I will be well enough to dance...at least pull through for a while. Hopefully it'll be nothing, but a sprain, but until the pain goes away...I'm afraid no more skating for me.

Self Doubt?

Part of me is always really excited to go to practice and part of me is scared and kinda done with it already. I know for a fact part of it is because I'm so lazy and taking a whole four hours out of my week is just sooooo hard. (right.)

• I should say that four hours is just practice time. One should go to open skate sessions as well as working out on their own.  

Roller derby is hard. It will be hard. Much like any other sport it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work. I should be so proud of myself. 

Our main trainer (I say main because a lot of people are there to help out!) told us that we should be proud. We're the one's with the balls. The girls who stood up on our skates and signed up to join the league...we're the one's that have courage. There are a lot of people, myself included, who watch something happen and just think about how much they'd enjoy it. I love watching roller derby and of course I thought about how much fun it would be. I knew it would be hard, yet I couldn't help, but to think that I would be just fine. The first day, filled with tears, I thought to myself. I couldn't figure out why I was putting myself in this much pain. Then I realized...it's not just to do something with my sister...it's not just to make her proud and to piss our family off. All my life I've done theater. I'm safe there. Hell I majored in theater because I knew it's what I was good at. (Well, perhaps I'm not the best...or close to it, but it's what I know) Sure, I did softball, but I also knew that game. I know how to throw, hit and catch. Not once in my life have I ever, truly, stepped out of my comfort zone.

DERBY IS OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE 

AND I HAVE BALLS!

That takes a lot to say and even though today is only the third practice...I'm still going. I'm going to practice. I will gain more and more confidence with every practice. I will get stronger. I will get in shape. (I've always struggled with weight and only recently have been doing anything about it). I'm proud, strong, willing and badass. One day it'll get to be where I'm having fun. Who knows, maybe I'll start trying to put myself out there and talk to more of the girls to make friends. 

Now, I feel like it's important for me to touch on this whole...DCP thing as well. Auditions are next week and I'm doing a lot to get ready. I'm washing my face ten times more than I normally would, I'm keeping my nails clean and short, not to mention how much I've been whitening my teeth. It's not that I'm trying to change myself, but I am trying to look the best I can. Even then I worry if I look the part. It's stupid because there's clearly no way I would be come a princess and I've come to terms with that (no matter how hopeful I'm secretly still holding on hope for it); however, I don't know why my weight would matter so much to be a dancer or even more so a character that where's a whole fur outfit. I don't want to get in my head, but why am I trying extra hard to take care of myself? If they don't like me, that's their problem.
I can put the best smile on, the best me I can be, go out there and that's that. It all goes back to having balls. At least I'm going to auditions.

I'm trying and that's more than a lot of people can say. 

 

Derby Day Two--Technically One.

Yesterday was the first day of fresh meat.

Roller derby has steps like most things. There is raw meat, which was what my first day was. Raw meat is a free practice. They will show you derby stance, how to fall, and how to stop. That's pretty much it. Now that was on Wednesday...Sunday morning I was finally able to walk up and down stairs without too much pain. Here's the kicker, fresh meat started Sunday.

Fresh meat is where you start to pay. My league it's $35 per month. (That, of course, if after paying for all your gear and your $70 WFTDA insurance) . However, you're not just paying with money.

Fresh meat, from what I have seen so far, is faster pace with less mercy. Eighteen weeks of nothing, but learning everything one would ever need to know about playing roller derby. Sounds easy enough. The girls that I've watched before make it look easier enough...until I got up on skates.

My sister told me by the end of practice I was looking better and more confident. (such an ego boost!)

I felt pretty good this time...it wasn't a cry day. Of course, because it wasn't a cry day, I'm thinking Wednesday I will be flat out down with derby once again.

From 10-noon is practice. Grab some food. Relax for a moment. Then from 2-5 was open skate. I didn't fall during practice, but I fell during open skate. I found out what wheels really do and how they stick differently to different floors. My skate stopped and I fell. GOOD THING--I fell forward.

By the end of it all, my body was finally giving out and I was feeling weak (not to mention how smelly I was)

• Side note: You will smell A LOT playing derby. Your pads will smell, you feet and skates will smell, and you in general will smell. Places you didn't know could even sweat will sweat. You will become gross. Your everything will become gross. In general, plan on being beyond disgusting. It may not happen right away, but it will happen.  

I was getting down on myself listening to some of the girls around the room. They were talking about how they didn't feel any or much pain after Wednesday. Now, you're told not to compare yourself to any skater, but let's face it...it's hard. After getting a bit down, some other girls starting talking about how sore they were! It sounds like a weird thing to be happy about, but it was pretty nice knowing I wasn't alone. 

However, the first practice was much like what we did in raw meat...other than the whole five minute endurance thing. I was group B so I got to do the following: down on one knee--put the other knee down--get up again and do that 20 times, do 20 bicycles, five push-ups, all on skates, as much as you can get down in five minutes. After that it was time to skate. Skate as many laps (safely, seeing as being safe is a huge part of derby; no matter what people think) as possible in five minutes. I was proud of myself--I did a little over ten laps! Ten laps is not bad for someone who never wore quad-skates...not to mention my last time on roller blades was middle school!

There are all different body types that join derby. There's tiny to large people. I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle; however, I am extremely out of shape. It'll get better...that's what people keep telling me and that's what I keep telling myself. 

It will hurt.

It'll be okay. 

Don't compare yourself.

Focus on your own improvement. 

First Practice and the Day After

IT SUCKS. I knew it would be hard and that it would hurt, but it sucks. If my sister wasn't there, I don't think I would've been able to make it through the practice. It's weird how advice coming from your sister is just that...advice; however, hearing it from someone else is like they're taking a hit on you. It's not fun, it's not nice, but guess what? All you can do is suck it up. There's nothing else you can do. It does feel like this pain is the only thing I have control over at the moment. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I don't think it is. My job is crazy, I don't know what I'm doing with my schooling and applying for DCP...well what am I going to do?! If I get accepted I have no idea what I will do. Will I take it? Will I like it? Do I even (truly) want to move away from my family? It's a lot to take in and while it is exciting I know these nerves won't go away until I throw myself into something. Derby is that something...at least for right now.

Welcome to Wonderland

So here is a little break down about me. Today is my first day ever of starting my roller derby training and...well I'm scared to death. However, along with that I'm applying (again) to the DCP...the Disney College Program. I applied last year and got in; however, it just didn't work out and I had to decline. Luckily, my friend was applying and talked me into trying it again. 

I plan for this blog to be a space were I share my thoughts and experiences and hopefully they will help someone else out along the way.