Break Down

It happened.

I already had my first break down of 2016 and it's only 14 days in. 

I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to cry. I didn't mean to let him see me like that. 

But it happened. 

Reality sometimes hits. The fluffy clouds around me go away or turn into gray thunderstorms. 

It's been easy lately because he's not at the station, not risking his life, not running into fires. 

That'll soon end. It'll reach the point when he goes back, he gets back into working 24 hours at a time, maybe more, maybe less. 

The break down happened after we shared a moment. We held each other tightly and I felt it. You were slipping away. A sad song playing in the background and you were leaving me. I whispered for you to come back to me. You squeezed my hand before letting it go again. I hate when you let go. I felt my eyes swell. I didn't want you to see me cry. I try to be strong for you. You need someone strong at your side. You squeezed my hand again and this time for longer. You were finally coming back to me. At that point I told you I needed to get up. I went into the bathroom. Ran the water like I always do. There was something different that you didn't know happened. I cried. I stood in the bathroom, listening to the water running, and just cried. I came out and sat next to you. You had to ask for cuddles. You asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell you. More tears. You held me tighter.
I couldn't tell you because part of me didn't know why I was so upset. The other part of me knew I was just trying to block out what's really been on my mind. Living like this. Living knowing I have to watch what I listen to or watch around you. Knowing that this is how things were going to be. I better read up and buckle down figuring out how to suit your needs. I know that sounds selfish and I don't mean it to be. You take care of me. You want to take care of me. So far, you've done a wonderful job, but that's not the point. I try talking to you about my feelings and things get weird. I know it's hard to talk about it, but I need it. I need to talk about how I'm feeling. I need you to see me cry. I need you to know that it is hard on me. I can't. I hate it when you see me cry. I hate it when you hear me cry.
After I calmed down some, you went into the bathroom. I ran upstairs to grab something. I came back you were sitting on the floor. You left me again. You weren't there. I hate it when you leave me like that.
I sat with you, but you came back quicker this time. I actually felt like I helped some, even if I didn't. I used your phone, like we've talked about and started talking about happier things. You came back. You told me what had happened, I tried to comfort you...I feel like I failed. I told you everything was okay. I'm sorry. I know I'm not suppose to say that. I don't know how to comfort you with why you left. You're so worried about your scars and me seeing you all scarred up. I see you scarred every day. It's how you look. You can't see your scars though, trust me, I've tried to see them. I can't. Just like you, though...I don't want you to see my scars. That might be why I don't want you to see my cry. I don't want you to see my scars. Okay? I don't want you to see my scars! I want you to view me as strong and someone who will stand by your side, even though most days I'm not sure if I can do it.
I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. The more I read about being in this relationship, the more I get nervous. I know I love you. I know I want to spend my life with you. We have so many happy days and moments, yesterday was filled with them. You even admitted I know you better than you know yourself. It doesn't make it easier. I need you know that. I need to you know all of this. I hate watching you leave me, feeling your body and mind just drift away. It hurts. I feel useless, even if I'm helping. I need you to know that.
I know you know. That's not the point. It breaks my heart to have these feelings. I love and support you, no matter what you want to do in life. You know that. All I've ever asked is that you let me know, that you include me. Well, this is me including you. This is everything I couldn't say to your face. This is how I see our bad days. Our bad days. You're never alone while we're a couple. We're team. You always you have me, your protecting me, and I know. I want to have your back just as much, but I needed you to know this first.
I've never been one to keep hush when I feel about something. You know that. We've had talks about things that make you unhappy, but I've still made it clear where I was coming from and we've talked things out. It's been nice. I wish I could do that with our bad days, but I can't. I had to write it. You had to read it. I couldn't do it while we were face to face. I hope to get there one day. I hope I can get to the point where it's okay if you see my scars. You love me with my scars. I love you with your scars, so don't worry about them. I know that's easier said than done, but don't worry. I don't see them. I only see you. Just you. That's who I love. Just you.

Your Story Isn't Over

I've written before about how I use to abuse myself. I will have to admit sometimes I am still hard on myself, more than I should be. However, I know people who are still stuck in this loop.
I get to say I moved past it. I moved past harming myself.

Does that make my story over?

It was for attention, mostly. I did like the control of it. It was something I could control. I could control the things that were happening for the first time in my life. That was something that felt better, even through the pain, the control felt better.

I've talked to my boyfriend about some of this and he's opened up some about the way he feels like he is in control of his body. He has different ways than I did, which I'm thankful for; however, in the end it will cause more problems than not.

He was talking about "Project Semicolon". I had heard about it and knew people who supported it, but other than that I never really paid much attention to it.

Today I was looking it up and reading more about it.

This is from their website:

"We envision love and hope and we declare that hope is alive;

We envision a society that openly addresses the struggle with mental illness, suicide and addiction; 

We envision a conversation embraced by churches and addressed with love;

We envision a society that sees their value and embraces it; 

We envision a community that comes together and stands together in support of one another;

We envision a world where an escape is not found within drugs or alcohol;

We envision a world where self-destruction is no longer a escape to be used;

We envision a revolution of LOVE and declare that our stories are not over yet;"

-Amy Bleuel

Founder & President

Just reading that alone I was pulled in. It connected me into a new sight. It brought back these feelings when I thought all hope for me was lost. I was lucky enough to be found, found by my own self. I know some people aren't that lucky. However, like it says on Project Semicolon, your story isn't over. The point of ";" in general. It's so small, simple, but beautiful. 

Read more about Project Semicolon here: http://www.projectsemicolon.org/

The Real Power: Social Media

If you don't know me, or if you haven't figured it out by now, I am into theater...or theatre if you'd like. I've been doing theater since I was five and I have always had a love for the art. Being in shows, on stage or off, or working behind the scenes, I just love being around theater. Theater Theater Theater! (Much like Marsha Marsha Marsha) To me, theater is a powerful movement. Each story is filled with dreams, hopes, realities,  truths, and each holding a moral value. Every person who watches a play or reads a script will take something away from it. Not everyone will take the same things away and that's fine. What they take away isn't always the point, just that they took something away.

This past week as been very busy. Normally, I'm very shy. I hardly do anything out of my comfort zone and I was pushed to that edge and beyond this week.

Let's start with Sunday. Seven days ago, today. Excitement filled my head as I went on through out the day. I knew that night I was going and seeing the musical hit "Jersey Boys" for the first time. I love the music, the story line, and the movie, but I had never gotten to see it in person. I'm one of those people who gets nervous for the cast, even if I'm not in the show. Let's just say...all day I was a wreck of nerves and excitement. My niece was coming along and it was her first "big girl" show, which was also very exciting! One of my co-workers ending up going that night as well.

Long story short... IT WAS AMAZING! The next day at work it was all I could talk about. The office was full of music as we sang the Four Seasons all day. So, out of the blue, I did it. I tweeted at, who I had from the, cast and told them they needed to come and visit because we were singing.

Again, long story short, I ended up meeting the cast. I got to greet them, let them into my work, a museum, and saw them later that night!
It was my dad's birthday and they gave him a signed picture and took pictures. They're honestly so down to earth. Being a theater kid, it was an honor that they even said "Hello", now I can call them "friend."

Mix all of that in with Thanksgiving, the parade, my family, meeting all of my boyfriend's family...it was a very long and stressful week. However, it was a time to give thanks. Which I did. I am very thankful.

How weird is that power of the social media though? A small tweet...less than 150 characters. Like a line from Jersey Boys. "Two hours in a recording studio on a Sunday afternoon and then the whole world exploded!" For me...my world did explode. Social media people! Got me out of my shell and with people who do what I went to school for! I'm not sure when I'll ever come off this high from the past seven days.

Side Note: I would love to give a huge shout out to my family who has laughed at me and made me who I am. You guys have supported me my whole life and you'll always have my back. Dad, I'm so happy I finally got to give something back to you. The cast of Jersey Boys, you guys have been so wonderful and happy, even when I just about passed out from meeting you. You've taken me in and called me friend, I hope to always stay in touch. So yea know, if you ever read my blog...HA Most of all, I want to thank my boyfriend. You have been amazing this week. You've dealt with so much and even though I've been fan girling over four guys under a street lamp, you're the one I get to come home to at the end of the day and I couldn't be happier. None of this would have happened without you. Thank you, baby. 

For The Love of The Game

*If you don't know some of these terms for roller derby, all you have to do is read some of my older post and it will all be explained in there.*

Part of me missing roller derby. There. I said it. It's been two weeks and I already feel so out of the loop. My wave (remember what a wave is guys?!) is taking their skills tests. Whoever passes will be able to fully play derby in full beast mode. Of course, people won't pass, and that will be cool, too. Its' really hard. It's seriously hours of hard core skating, showing off everything you just spent the last 18 weeks working on. They should be beyond proud of themselves. BEYOND. Anyone who is willing to join a contact sport, trains for 18 weeks, then puts it all on the line....awesome. Words can't describe how great it is to be have been able to watch everyone.

Then I think about if I want to get back up on skates. I've had far to much time to think about it and freak myself out of skating again. I need my new brace, as I keep saying, but bills bills bills. Let me tell you how great it is to be an adult.

I'm not sure how some people do it. I look at my sister. She works....holy poop does she work. She also has a six year old, a husband, pets, and she plays derby. I have no idea how she does it. I tell her that, too. Like seriously though. I don't understand people that can work, go to school, have a life...blah blah blah. It makes me feel so lazy inside!!!
However, through everything my sister broke her leg, was off skates for months and still found ways to go to practice and get back on skates and kick derby's butt.
There are many girls who break things and get back on skates and they are some people who never get hurt at all, just like any sport.

However, with that being the case...I wish I would get out of my head. I love NSOing, I feel like I'm good at it and I'm truly learning the game, which is awesome! Those knee taps though...they're holding me back from skating. I'm so scared I'll come down and never get back up. I'm scared that I'll roll my ankle again and this time it'll be even worse. After all, my ankle still bothers me. Poop.


Anyone else feel this way about things? I mean, it's just a love/hate relationship, but there's something about it. I know I shouldn't let fear stop me from doing something I want to, but then I love to NSO and that way I can still be around it, without having to actually skate.
I'm a baby.

Back to the start of this whole thing. Watching my wave come to an end it's almost surreal. I can't believe it's been 18 weeks and these people have come so far with skating and their skills. It's mind blowing and amazing. I'm just happy to be apart of the overall picture.

Disney Update

So some news.

I finally got the e-mail I've been waiting for. I'm gonna go on a rant here though first. So I got an e-mail that I didn't get one of the jobs I just randomly applied too. I wasn't too let down about that, though. However, everyone I know that had applied to the DCP had already heard. I was starting to give up.
I got season tickets to shows that are happening from December-March and well now...

I got offered a job in merchandise. It didn't tell me where I would be working, which I kinda hate. I would get $9 an hour which is only a bit less than I make right now, which isn't too bad. Reading the description for it and it sounds like it could be selling stuff or just stocking...maybe both. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it all.

I am really excited; however, I still am just unsure.

I can burn water. How am I suppose to live by myself...and without my cat?

Brave; what it means.

You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering. - Ernest Hemingway

This quote has been floating around a lot lately and I feel like it goes along with how I've been feeling. I know so many people that have had depression or at least depressed at one point in their life. Yes, we do all have those off days where we're down and out, but true depressed is much deeper than just one bad day. It can last weeks, months, years, a life time and it will haunt you.

So why are these people the strongest people I know? They get out of bed, they go through their day and hardly ever will you ever see how much they are truly suffering.

Now, I feel like that is brave. 

However, getting help...I feel like that is one of the bravest things anyone can do.

I know I started off using depression as the example, but getting help for anything is brave. Admitting that you cannot do something by yourself and getting help is amazing. Admitting that you know something is wrong to the point where you need to get help and then you go and get that help...that's brave and something to be proud of.

It might start small. It might be something you talk to only one or two people about, but I don't think people realizing that talking about your issues or problems to anyone is a huge and wonderful step.

In getting help, you are brave and strong, it is something to be proud of.

Be proud. Be happy. Get help. Be brave.