Break Down

It happened.

I already had my first break down of 2016 and it's only 14 days in. 

I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to cry. I didn't mean to let him see me like that. 

But it happened. 

Reality sometimes hits. The fluffy clouds around me go away or turn into gray thunderstorms. 

It's been easy lately because he's not at the station, not risking his life, not running into fires. 

That'll soon end. It'll reach the point when he goes back, he gets back into working 24 hours at a time, maybe more, maybe less. 

The break down happened after we shared a moment. We held each other tightly and I felt it. You were slipping away. A sad song playing in the background and you were leaving me. I whispered for you to come back to me. You squeezed my hand before letting it go again. I hate when you let go. I felt my eyes swell. I didn't want you to see me cry. I try to be strong for you. You need someone strong at your side. You squeezed my hand again and this time for longer. You were finally coming back to me. At that point I told you I needed to get up. I went into the bathroom. Ran the water like I always do. There was something different that you didn't know happened. I cried. I stood in the bathroom, listening to the water running, and just cried. I came out and sat next to you. You had to ask for cuddles. You asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell you. More tears. You held me tighter.
I couldn't tell you because part of me didn't know why I was so upset. The other part of me knew I was just trying to block out what's really been on my mind. Living like this. Living knowing I have to watch what I listen to or watch around you. Knowing that this is how things were going to be. I better read up and buckle down figuring out how to suit your needs. I know that sounds selfish and I don't mean it to be. You take care of me. You want to take care of me. So far, you've done a wonderful job, but that's not the point. I try talking to you about my feelings and things get weird. I know it's hard to talk about it, but I need it. I need to talk about how I'm feeling. I need you to see me cry. I need you to know that it is hard on me. I can't. I hate it when you see me cry. I hate it when you hear me cry.
After I calmed down some, you went into the bathroom. I ran upstairs to grab something. I came back you were sitting on the floor. You left me again. You weren't there. I hate it when you leave me like that.
I sat with you, but you came back quicker this time. I actually felt like I helped some, even if I didn't. I used your phone, like we've talked about and started talking about happier things. You came back. You told me what had happened, I tried to comfort you...I feel like I failed. I told you everything was okay. I'm sorry. I know I'm not suppose to say that. I don't know how to comfort you with why you left. You're so worried about your scars and me seeing you all scarred up. I see you scarred every day. It's how you look. You can't see your scars though, trust me, I've tried to see them. I can't. Just like you, though...I don't want you to see my scars. That might be why I don't want you to see my cry. I don't want you to see my scars. Okay? I don't want you to see my scars! I want you to view me as strong and someone who will stand by your side, even though most days I'm not sure if I can do it.
I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. The more I read about being in this relationship, the more I get nervous. I know I love you. I know I want to spend my life with you. We have so many happy days and moments, yesterday was filled with them. You even admitted I know you better than you know yourself. It doesn't make it easier. I need you know that. I need to you know all of this. I hate watching you leave me, feeling your body and mind just drift away. It hurts. I feel useless, even if I'm helping. I need you to know that.
I know you know. That's not the point. It breaks my heart to have these feelings. I love and support you, no matter what you want to do in life. You know that. All I've ever asked is that you let me know, that you include me. Well, this is me including you. This is everything I couldn't say to your face. This is how I see our bad days. Our bad days. You're never alone while we're a couple. We're team. You always you have me, your protecting me, and I know. I want to have your back just as much, but I needed you to know this first.
I've never been one to keep hush when I feel about something. You know that. We've had talks about things that make you unhappy, but I've still made it clear where I was coming from and we've talked things out. It's been nice. I wish I could do that with our bad days, but I can't. I had to write it. You had to read it. I couldn't do it while we were face to face. I hope to get there one day. I hope I can get to the point where it's okay if you see my scars. You love me with my scars. I love you with your scars, so don't worry about them. I know that's easier said than done, but don't worry. I don't see them. I only see you. Just you. That's who I love. Just you.

For The Love of The Game

*If you don't know some of these terms for roller derby, all you have to do is read some of my older post and it will all be explained in there.*

Part of me missing roller derby. There. I said it. It's been two weeks and I already feel so out of the loop. My wave (remember what a wave is guys?!) is taking their skills tests. Whoever passes will be able to fully play derby in full beast mode. Of course, people won't pass, and that will be cool, too. Its' really hard. It's seriously hours of hard core skating, showing off everything you just spent the last 18 weeks working on. They should be beyond proud of themselves. BEYOND. Anyone who is willing to join a contact sport, trains for 18 weeks, then puts it all on the line....awesome. Words can't describe how great it is to be have been able to watch everyone.

Then I think about if I want to get back up on skates. I've had far to much time to think about it and freak myself out of skating again. I need my new brace, as I keep saying, but bills bills bills. Let me tell you how great it is to be an adult.

I'm not sure how some people do it. I look at my sister. She works....holy poop does she work. She also has a six year old, a husband, pets, and she plays derby. I have no idea how she does it. I tell her that, too. Like seriously though. I don't understand people that can work, go to school, have a life...blah blah blah. It makes me feel so lazy inside!!!
However, through everything my sister broke her leg, was off skates for months and still found ways to go to practice and get back on skates and kick derby's butt.
There are many girls who break things and get back on skates and they are some people who never get hurt at all, just like any sport.

However, with that being the case...I wish I would get out of my head. I love NSOing, I feel like I'm good at it and I'm truly learning the game, which is awesome! Those knee taps though...they're holding me back from skating. I'm so scared I'll come down and never get back up. I'm scared that I'll roll my ankle again and this time it'll be even worse. After all, my ankle still bothers me. Poop.


Anyone else feel this way about things? I mean, it's just a love/hate relationship, but there's something about it. I know I shouldn't let fear stop me from doing something I want to, but then I love to NSO and that way I can still be around it, without having to actually skate.
I'm a baby.

Back to the start of this whole thing. Watching my wave come to an end it's almost surreal. I can't believe it's been 18 weeks and these people have come so far with skating and their skills. It's mind blowing and amazing. I'm just happy to be apart of the overall picture.

Breaks.

Taking a break.

Depending on where and who you are with when you hear that it can change your whole world. For example, if I said I was taking a break from this blog...no one would really care. If someone said they were taking a break at work...no one would care...plus that's a great kind of break depending on the day you're having.
However, there is the other side of things. Your partner says you need to take a break. When you're getting too upset over something and someone says you need to take a break. When you want to skate, but you're hurt so you have to take a break. 

When it comes down to it. It's funny how words can effect people so much. Words can make you as happy as can be or....they can break you.

How odd.



new post will be coming soon. hang in there.