Self Doubt?

Part of me is always really excited to go to practice and part of me is scared and kinda done with it already. I know for a fact part of it is because I'm so lazy and taking a whole four hours out of my week is just sooooo hard. (right.)

• I should say that four hours is just practice time. One should go to open skate sessions as well as working out on their own.  

Roller derby is hard. It will be hard. Much like any other sport it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work. I should be so proud of myself. 

Our main trainer (I say main because a lot of people are there to help out!) told us that we should be proud. We're the one's with the balls. The girls who stood up on our skates and signed up to join the league...we're the one's that have courage. There are a lot of people, myself included, who watch something happen and just think about how much they'd enjoy it. I love watching roller derby and of course I thought about how much fun it would be. I knew it would be hard, yet I couldn't help, but to think that I would be just fine. The first day, filled with tears, I thought to myself. I couldn't figure out why I was putting myself in this much pain. Then I realized...it's not just to do something with my sister...it's not just to make her proud and to piss our family off. All my life I've done theater. I'm safe there. Hell I majored in theater because I knew it's what I was good at. (Well, perhaps I'm not the best...or close to it, but it's what I know) Sure, I did softball, but I also knew that game. I know how to throw, hit and catch. Not once in my life have I ever, truly, stepped out of my comfort zone.

DERBY IS OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE 

AND I HAVE BALLS!

That takes a lot to say and even though today is only the third practice...I'm still going. I'm going to practice. I will gain more and more confidence with every practice. I will get stronger. I will get in shape. (I've always struggled with weight and only recently have been doing anything about it). I'm proud, strong, willing and badass. One day it'll get to be where I'm having fun. Who knows, maybe I'll start trying to put myself out there and talk to more of the girls to make friends. 

Now, I feel like it's important for me to touch on this whole...DCP thing as well. Auditions are next week and I'm doing a lot to get ready. I'm washing my face ten times more than I normally would, I'm keeping my nails clean and short, not to mention how much I've been whitening my teeth. It's not that I'm trying to change myself, but I am trying to look the best I can. Even then I worry if I look the part. It's stupid because there's clearly no way I would be come a princess and I've come to terms with that (no matter how hopeful I'm secretly still holding on hope for it); however, I don't know why my weight would matter so much to be a dancer or even more so a character that where's a whole fur outfit. I don't want to get in my head, but why am I trying extra hard to take care of myself? If they don't like me, that's their problem.
I can put the best smile on, the best me I can be, go out there and that's that. It all goes back to having balls. At least I'm going to auditions.

I'm trying and that's more than a lot of people can say.