Part One: Let's Begin.

"To thine own self be true"

--William Shakespeare

 Never change who you are.

Such a bold statement. Not only ourselves, but as a society, we change. Sometimes it's good and sometimes...well...not so great. However, change is something that is bound to happen. 

With that being said, I can change and still stay true to myself. Sure my ideas and thoughts may change, but  tis life. Things change. People change. All you can do is hope that change is for the better.

What should really be explored is how do some people change for the better and some...not so much. I believe it's the world we place around us. Just go on Facebook, you will see post saying "since when did this become hotter than this?" with a picture of a model now verses one from the 40's or 50's. If you look at men's clothing the sizes are based on actual sizes, measurements. Women's clothing, at least most of them, change with the brands. In my closet right now I have bottoms ranging from size 8 to 14 and shirts from small to extra-large.

Now that's just sizing issues that can lead to having body issues. That's not to talk about feeling one gender and being another, being under weight, being over weight, seeing movie and TV stars, comparing yourself to others...the list could go on and on about how we're effected.

Lately it seems that companies and brands are trying to get people to understand and realize that all bodies are beautiful. It's slightly hard to realize that when it's been pushed into our minds for so long that we're not okay. We don't look okay. Who we are isn't okay. Why? What can we do about? Is there anything we can do? Can we talk about it? I think we can. These people are anonymous, even to myself.  Some of them didn't mind sharing their names as well as their stories, but I think it's better, at least for now, to keep everything anonymous.

One person speaks of PCOS. It's a common illness that effects most women. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It effects a lot of things in a woman's body and can cause issues in losing weight, having children and more. Learn more about here: http://www.webmd.com/women/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview. I encourage woman to get this checked out. I, myself, finding out I had PCOS about a year ago, it makes sense. I feel so much better now that I know what's going on and got the proper medication.

Now, with all of that being said that was all focused on mostly weight issues. There was some of the whole "not being comfortable" thing, but let's face it. Most people you talk to will tell you their body image issues come from a place of feeling like they don't fit into the "cookie cutter" design.  What about the other time of mind f*cks? What if you're simply trapped in the wrong body? That's a whole other set of issues one has to face. The sad part is, we're all facing the same issues. Feeling crappy about our looks and how we feel about ourselves. If this is true then why is something like lipo, Botox, or even tummy lifts, not to mention the other way around where people try to gain weigh to keep from being called names, some things no one bats an eye at, but changing your gender to feel better is frowned upon? Now, you may have your own thoughts and that's perfectly fine. I'm not asking you to agree or disagree with what anyone has said, including myself, I just want to look at the facts. Why is it okay for some people to get surgery's to feel better about themselves, no matter what for, and not others? Makes sense? I didn't think so.

This leaves me wondering when we start realizing that we're different? Is it something that's always there? Is it something that we learn over time?

Person A:  "There wasn't ever an "ah-ha!" first moment that I realized I had body issues. I feel like it's just something I've always dealt with. I distinctly remember being conscious about my insecurities, for the first time, when I got into my first "real" relationship, when I was 17, and I was actually considering have sex. Then the flood of "What if he doesn't...", "What if he thinks..." and other "what if" questions overwhelmed me."

Person B: "I first started realizing I had body issues when I was in the 7th grade. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have any siblings to teach me the right way to eat, or dress. All the other girls were skinny and wearing pink and bright colors while I was fat and tall and wearing mostly black clothing because I was embarrassed to dress girly."

 Person C: "When I was about 12 or 13. I would watch Mary-Kate and Ashley movies and sitcoms and compare my foreign structure to theirs, thinking I was "fat", when my actual bones were wider than theirs and my thighs can never have a thigh gap even in size 2 jeans. I've finally realized I'm just built differently, but still am not 100% with my current weight/size."

Person D: "I suppose it was when I was 10 years old, a family member told me that I looked like I was three months pregnant. I was used to being bullied at school and I even was back stabbed by my only friend, but that comment stuck with me. I'm 22 now and grew a lot taller, six feet tall to be exact. Now, you still can tell that I'm overweight, but no one can guess my weight, somehow it's hidden through my height. It followed me to when I was in high school. I would dodge mirrors because anytime I saw my own reflection. Immediately got nauseous and was entirely repulsed by it. I started starving myself. There was a point where I didn't eat anything for three days and I ended up dry heaving in the girl's bathroom. Although, I wasn't the only one doing that though. A ton of my classmates were bulimic and anorexic. Looking back, it's really sad that it was such a common thing. At that point I HATED MYSELF. I hated that hating myself, it's the worst feeling ever. I had severe depression that made me go into counseling and still deal with it till this day."

Person E:  "I first consciously realized it when I was in middle school. A friend commented on how I wear baggy clothes a lot. I wondered why and figured I was trying to hide myself."

Person F: "There is no time in my life I can remember before body issues. I was always too short, too chubby, my hair was wrong, I wore the wrong thing, I wore it the wrong way, I was bigger than everyone else my age. The list goes on."

Person  G: "Middle school. 7th grade volleyball. I was just getting to the puberty stage and was one of the last girls to shave their legs. I got made fun of for it and that night I asked for a razor. From then on, I was comparing anything and everything I did. I compared looks and body types."

Person H: "My body "issues" sort of came in phases. First there was a complete identity denial: my mom insisted that I wouldn't be a "slut or dyke" on her watch (this was the way she described any girls who dressed up or wore makeup), so I found it easiest to just be devoid of any identity at all. I dressed in jeans and shirts. There was a good year period where I just wore grey shirts and jeans. My uniform kept me from being noticed in middle school and kept her ire at a minimum.

Next, my body issues manifested not as anything related to identity, but more that feeling like my meatsack body was out to ruin everything. I struggled with health issues into my mid-20s that filled me with resentment and anger. Here I was, trying to work hard and my body would undermine my efforts with debilitating pain. I was really down on myself but not because of my physical appearance.

In my late 20s though, my health stabilized and I was able to focus on being my authentic self. That self looks and feels pretty genderfluid. That self a little fluffy, but doesn't think about it much. I don't diet, never have. I don't worry about how others think I look. I still rarely wear makeup. I was/am often way too busy being anxious about everything else in my life to worry about how I appear. While this isn't an "issue", it's the latest phase of my relationship with my body."

Person I: “Ever since I can remember I have had some degree of body issue. Of course every day is different; I think that is the hardest part. One day I can feel untouchable – drop dead gorgeous – and others, I just want to hide my face, my body, my hair. I don’t think hiding my issues help me any, those days I wear a hoodie - in a way this is calming, but at the same time – it is accepting defeat, accepting that I want to hide.”

Notice anything? Anything at all? Anything that all of these stories and people share? How about how they noticed a change young, about puberty stage....then it stayed with them? Why did it stay with them? Why do people call it a phrase if it stays with you?  

How Did It Get So Late So Soon?

“How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

― Dr. Seuss

At the end of his life Theodore Geisel wrote this  quote and from my childhood I never understood it. Now listening to it again one can realize all of it's meaning. Yes, it was at the end of his life; however, it can be looked at through so many eyes, so many ways. Much like his other works, there is a strong message.

Life. It's ever changing.

People come and go, days fly by, then months, then years, next thing you know you're old and then you're wondering how it got so late so soon. 

I've never been on that wants to go out and party. I've never been one that takes a breath to live in the moment. I'm a planner and worrier. Honestly, there's nothing great about it. Plans get broken and worrying only drives a person mad. Why plan for one moment when there are so many that'll pass by every day. 

Don't sweat the small stuff. Easier said than done. 

I look at my past and a lot of the people in it. The people I trusted, the broken heart I melted back together, even the laughs and tears. 

I've noticed a lot of people lately saying they were done trying to be in someone else's life, when that other person puts in no effort. I've always said this. I've always tried this. What drives me crazy is I'm good at it. I'm good at going my own way and doing my own thing, but as soon as someone comes back from my past I'm so willing to let them back in. They could've betrayed me, I could've hurt them..it doesn't matter. They came back, I let them in. 

Blind faith. A lot of people have it. Mostly for religion. 

Not only does blind faith in general make no sense, what makes even less sense is my blind faith in people. Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe it's a sensitive person thing. Maybe it's a me thing. I put my trust and faith into people I hardly know. I know getting to know someone is half the adventure and half the fun, but this is how my brain works.

I meet someone, they're amazing, I feel great. I start to get to know them more. I love being around them. I love the stupid jokes and how they're always on my mind. Slight fear. What if they don't like the person I am? What if they can't stand a habit I have? What if their friends don't like me? What if they're family doesn't like me? What if I don't like them? What if...what if...what if everything actually works? What if things are okay. Why do the what if's have to take over? Then the break up happens, or then you stop being friends. Then you look back, you realize things were good, things were truly okay. What then? Then you feel terrible about things. Did you do it? Was it your overthinking? Was it your nerves? Was it you? 

Stop. Legit, stop. 

That's what it was. It became to a point where things didn't matter. The fire from before had died down. You left things get to your head and before you know it[?]...it got so late...so soon. 

Don't let it become December before it's June. 

Sure, things don't always work and yes time will fly, but it doesn't mean you need to worry, panic, over think..no. 

When you find yourself saying the time as flewn and you're asking how it got so late so soon, I hope it's because you were having so much fun, because you didn't look at the time, because you were so wrapped up what you were doing, feeling wonderful, that when you finally sit down all you can do is smile and ask yourself how it got so late so soon.  

Happy Birthday Mr. President

So it was my birthday yesterday and I got way more support and love than I ever would have thought. I got over 100 wishes and to me that's huge. I didn't realize I even knew that many people, but turns out...I do! It's kinda awesome if you ask me.

My weekend was amazing even though I cried. Yes, cried. I had a break down about how I wasn't good enough and pretty much, I just needed to cry. It happens sometimes. However, on my actual birthday, which was yesterday, I got to talk to some people who I didn't really think I would talk to. I also got to connect with a lot of people I haven't talked to in a while and one person who I hadn't talked to since I was like....8! Seriously. It was so nice.

It was really eye-opening to see people and see how people actually cared. Sometimes you just have to step back and take a look at things.

Pep-talks all around. It's kind of silly. I always give out all these advice and what not and then people say it back to me and makes me think. It's different saying it than taking it. However, I got to admit it's some good advice.

Anyways, this was just a short entry to say things are kinda awesome for everyone. You just need to know that people care, even when it doesn't seem like that. Sometimes you just need a day to sit in your pj's all day and connect with people you've missed. Start with forgiveness, kindness, and an open mind. Reach out and just love it. Life will be good.

A short.

Derby derby derby.

I took my LOA or leave of absence. I was hoping I wouldn't have too, but it was time to come with terms, I might not be skating for a while.
With that being said....NSOing is wonderful.

This past week I learned how to score keep! It's a lot easier than I thought it would be (good think I know most of the hand signals from the refs already), but it does take math skills and lets' just say...I don't math well.

Long story short, I'm happy to be doing something with derby.

On the other side of things, while NSO-ing I had a really good talk about gender and sexuality. Derby people just get it. I love that.

Disney--Choices...the longest week ever

This past week as been one heck of a week. Let's just leave it at that.

I got my offer for the DCP and yes, I was very happy. As well as being happy I was shocked and faced with a very hard choice. I could go and then come back, sure. However, things at my current job wouldn't be the same.

Long story short, after many talks with my family and many tears later, it was best to leave the dream of working for Disney just that.

I don't feel like I need to explain myself and why I made this decision. I talked to my co-workers, my family, friends, and people who had just done the program. I did my homework, made lists of pros and cons and when it came down to it there was only one answer.

I'm at a happy place in life; something that hasn't happened in a long time. I'm not going to waste my happiness for the unknown. 

I don't care if you agree or disagree. I've had struggles, like many, and I'm finally at a really good place. At the end of the day I don't want to change things at the moment. Change is normal and will have to happen sooner or later and I understand that. However, my life has changed and for the better. 

Let the dream be a dream. 

On the other hand, I've decided that I am going to travel and do whatever I want this year. I'm planning a trip to New York (probably next year, but I'm saving). Just going places and enjoying this state I live in...something I haven't done in...well just about forever. 

It was a hard choice, but I already feel better about it. I don't feel regret. I love Disney...I should say I love to visit Disney. I'll keep it that way and I'm perfectly happy with that. 

Brave; what it means.

You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering. - Ernest Hemingway

This quote has been floating around a lot lately and I feel like it goes along with how I've been feeling. I know so many people that have had depression or at least depressed at one point in their life. Yes, we do all have those off days where we're down and out, but true depressed is much deeper than just one bad day. It can last weeks, months, years, a life time and it will haunt you.

So why are these people the strongest people I know? They get out of bed, they go through their day and hardly ever will you ever see how much they are truly suffering.

Now, I feel like that is brave. 

However, getting help...I feel like that is one of the bravest things anyone can do.

I know I started off using depression as the example, but getting help for anything is brave. Admitting that you cannot do something by yourself and getting help is amazing. Admitting that you know something is wrong to the point where you need to get help and then you go and get that help...that's brave and something to be proud of.

It might start small. It might be something you talk to only one or two people about, but I don't think people realizing that talking about your issues or problems to anyone is a huge and wonderful step.

In getting help, you are brave and strong, it is something to be proud of.

Be proud. Be happy. Get help. Be brave.

Soul Crusher

Here's a little update....after sulking all day on Tuesday and hating my life, I went to bed. I woke up and got a hair cut. I plan on getting a massage next week and guess what? I don't really hate life anymore. Sure, it sucks. Being turned down will always suck. However, I will keep thinking about the upside to everything. There's always more chances and more auditions, I don't have to wear the fur and I might still be offered another role. There are some jobs...or rolls as they call them, that I would love to have down there. One girl said "at least I'll be down there." When I think about it, it's true! She will still get to go down there and spend a few months surrounded by the happiest place on Earth. That opens a huge door.

Now I should explain that I'm not trying to be bitter. There are some things I don't understand about that audition. There will always be things you don't understand. You could've killed the audition...best one in your life and if you're not what they're looking for....that's that. It helps that I knew I wasn't going to be a princess or anything. I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I'm a size 11 (or so, you know those weird in between sizes. That's me). However, to be a character at Disney? Come on now. I read somewhere that most of the princesses are a size 2 or 4 and that there is a few that are size 6. If you read their website is does say height is the most important, but there's no reason to not face that facts on that one.

Anyways, so I sulked and was fine. Until practice that night. Watching is starting to get more annoying than anything. I want to get back up and start skating again. At least until they need their knee taps. That's still scaring the crap out of me. I'm not sure if I'm in the right mental state to do that now.

I did stay after and started to NSO. Non-skating official. I had to sit, so I was put in the penalty box. Sit with a stop watch, as soon as your color (depending on what side of the box you're sitting on and what side of the track the girls are on) sits down the timer starts. They sit for 20 seconds then you say color, number and stand. They stand and after ten more seconds (so they're there for 30 seconds total) you say color, number and done. Then they go back on the track. Next week we get to learn how to do paper work for the box as well. There are more jobs as well like penalty tracker and score keeper. Everyone keeps saying it's one of the best ways to learn how to play the game and just learn the game in general. So for now, that's what I will do.

My spirits? Keeping them as high as possible. You will hear a million "no's" before you get a "yes"....that one yes is all that matters.

Oh and for anyone who is wondering....soul crusher is a derby term. It's part of a strategy. One jammer knocks the other out of play and goes as far back on the track as she can causing the one that was knocked out to enter behind the one who knocked her out. Pretty much it makes the one who got knocked out have to skate further before entering to play again. It's a lot easier to see.

Watching The Masses

Everyone compares themselves to other...everyone watches other people. Come on now. I know a lot of people who can even say that "people watching" is one of their favorite things to do.

Today in practice...that's what I got to do. I watched.

At first I was really excited for it. Watching everyone skating around the track and doing the basics was really helping me understand what we were really doing. I know what to watch for now and it makes it a lot easier to notice things.

However, even though we're not suppose to judge other people, it is hard. I'm watching some of these girls that can clearly skate better than I can and so, naturally, that causes me to get down on myself. Then I notice half of the girls are at my level. --staying up, hardly falling, just trying--

There were some tears today. They may have been tears before, but this was the first time I saw someone crying at practice. I felt her pain. I've been there already as well.

It's funny because we are all trying new things. I've noticed that even the girls who I thought were beyond amazing were stumbling and having a hard time on at least one thing.

I was pretty upset because today we...well they learned how to do 180 transitions and turn around toe stops. Pretty much the transition is turning in around by lifting your feet (at least your heals) off the ground. The turn around toe stop is the same thing, but you put your toe stop down after you turn in order to stop and change direction that you're going if need be. I've been all about it and I was pretty bummed I miss it.

The swelling in my ankle has gone down, but there's a chance I won't be able to finish this wave. Wave being the group of girls that's training at a time. For now I'm keeping my hopes high and if nothing else I'm going to start does NSO-ing. NSO being non-skating official. Pretty much....score keepers.

We will see what it's like after Tuesday. The big audition day.

Until then R.I.C.E. is my friend, and I will keep it up.

Anyone can do anything for 30 seconds. 
There is always one thing someone can't do. No one is perfect.

Self Doubt?

Part of me is always really excited to go to practice and part of me is scared and kinda done with it already. I know for a fact part of it is because I'm so lazy and taking a whole four hours out of my week is just sooooo hard. (right.)

• I should say that four hours is just practice time. One should go to open skate sessions as well as working out on their own.  

Roller derby is hard. It will be hard. Much like any other sport it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work. I should be so proud of myself. 

Our main trainer (I say main because a lot of people are there to help out!) told us that we should be proud. We're the one's with the balls. The girls who stood up on our skates and signed up to join the league...we're the one's that have courage. There are a lot of people, myself included, who watch something happen and just think about how much they'd enjoy it. I love watching roller derby and of course I thought about how much fun it would be. I knew it would be hard, yet I couldn't help, but to think that I would be just fine. The first day, filled with tears, I thought to myself. I couldn't figure out why I was putting myself in this much pain. Then I realized...it's not just to do something with my sister...it's not just to make her proud and to piss our family off. All my life I've done theater. I'm safe there. Hell I majored in theater because I knew it's what I was good at. (Well, perhaps I'm not the best...or close to it, but it's what I know) Sure, I did softball, but I also knew that game. I know how to throw, hit and catch. Not once in my life have I ever, truly, stepped out of my comfort zone.

DERBY IS OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE 

AND I HAVE BALLS!

That takes a lot to say and even though today is only the third practice...I'm still going. I'm going to practice. I will gain more and more confidence with every practice. I will get stronger. I will get in shape. (I've always struggled with weight and only recently have been doing anything about it). I'm proud, strong, willing and badass. One day it'll get to be where I'm having fun. Who knows, maybe I'll start trying to put myself out there and talk to more of the girls to make friends. 

Now, I feel like it's important for me to touch on this whole...DCP thing as well. Auditions are next week and I'm doing a lot to get ready. I'm washing my face ten times more than I normally would, I'm keeping my nails clean and short, not to mention how much I've been whitening my teeth. It's not that I'm trying to change myself, but I am trying to look the best I can. Even then I worry if I look the part. It's stupid because there's clearly no way I would be come a princess and I've come to terms with that (no matter how hopeful I'm secretly still holding on hope for it); however, I don't know why my weight would matter so much to be a dancer or even more so a character that where's a whole fur outfit. I don't want to get in my head, but why am I trying extra hard to take care of myself? If they don't like me, that's their problem.
I can put the best smile on, the best me I can be, go out there and that's that. It all goes back to having balls. At least I'm going to auditions.

I'm trying and that's more than a lot of people can say.