I can't pretend things are okay when they're not. I can hold my head up
and push through and one day it will be okay. Until then, everyone needs a day
to just cry. What about after that though? What can we do to pull ourselves out
of that?
Person
A: "I've
actually tried believing what my husband says.I don't vocalize any insecurities I may have. I don't put myself down, and I
don't make sarcastic remarks about myself. I originally started doing it
because of the way it affected my husband. Whenever I'd "correct" him
and say "No I don't," or "You're just saying that
because...", I wouldn't always notice it, but it DID affect him. Here he
was, lovingly telling me something he likes about my physicality, and I was
telling him he was wrong. I wasn't validating his feelings. I'm not saying I
was being "ungrateful," but after I while, I could tell that it
legitimately made him sad. He loves me, and is verbalizing said love, and I
would dismiss it. How sad are we when we try to comfort someone, honestly and
earnestly, and they openly deny said comfort? I was openly throwing his affirming words, telling me things I wished someone
would tell me my whole life, back in his face, because I was too insecure to
even TRY to believe him.
Simply saying "thank you" has changed everything."
Person
B: "I
am a very depressed person. I’m not going to lie. I hate myself for eating
poorly. I hate myself for being diagnosis with PCOS. I hate myself for being
afraid to love myself for who I am and what I look like. I now hear my friends
say I’m beautiful. Of course my family would say that even though I know I’m
the ugliest out of all my cousins. Yeah I may have a pretty face but that
doesn't help my hatred of my body. Going from a size 13 to 18 in one year was
really bad. Then finally being diagnosis with PCOS after not knowing what was
wrong with me. I never ate that much growing up. I never ate candy. But I still
blame myself for the weight gain. I feel like someone would love me if I was
skinny. I'd get guys falling for me. Get leads in plays for being skinny. No
one loves the fat girl. They always think I’m big because I eat. Not
necessarily. But then my anxiety triggers my depression. Which triggers my
thoughts on why i hate myself. I hate myself because I’m fat. I’m trying my
hardest to fix it. I go to the gym. I take the right medication now. I’m slowly
trying to stop drinking pop. I’m trying to love myself as every other human
does."
Person
C: "Overeat....cry....get
mad...crave fruits and veggies....not much good to be honest."
Person
D: "There
was this exercise in my psychology class. Every single day we had to look in
the mirror and say "I love you." At first, it felt like a waste of
breath but over time, it worked. Now I can happily say that I loved myself
again. The support of my family and friends helped a ton. Slowly I am repairing
myself from the years of self-hatred and I can go into a dressing room now and
look in the mirror and say "Wow, I look awesome." Just this past year
I purchased two pairs of booty shorts. My legs and butt are the parts I'm most
self-conscious about. It was a statement for me, a stepping stone, a big leap.
And it felt great."
Person
E: "I
work out and try to eat right. I tell myself I need to be healthy and being
healthy is really what matters. Roller derby and being surrounded by incredible
supportive people helps too.
Eating is something I've always struggled with though and I fall back into old
hanks of not eating, continuing to feel bad about myself, and then gorging on
everything. I usually just end up feeling sick though and then try to get back
on course with eating regularly and as healthy add possible."
Person
F: "My
exterior is imperfect and many things have helped. I think I came to terms with
what I was given. I will never be a small woman, but I like that now. There
were small things, like a website I found that showed real women's breasts in a
nonsexual manor, and that helped immensely. I used to think there was something
wrong with them because they weren't perfect and airbrushed. They are real and
mine.
I have always hated having big feet, but it means heels are more comfortable; I
hated my height, but I like being able to see over stuff; I hated my legs, but
even if they don't fit pants right, dresses and skirts are great for that; I
have a big head, but it motivated me to make my own hats.
Really I have always loved me in spite of everyone else's input. The most
difficult thing to do was tune out all of the negatives. Embracing others
faults was a huge step towards excepting their ignorance and judgment. I may
dress a bit differently, but it's not to appease others, but myself. Actually I
always dressed for me, I just try a little harder to match now."
Person
G: "It
has taken years and I am still struggling with it. I am finding confidence now
that I am in my 30s but still lots of work to be done on the inside to be ok
with the outside."
Person
H: "Therapy
helped me get to a place where I didn't internalize blame. Blame for my pain
and how I felt unreliable. It also taught me that I could ignore the voice of
my mother, telling me how to look and feel.
Now I dress how I like. I'd say the genderfluidity has always been there,
though I didn't have a name for it. I just liked some parts of men's clothing
and liked how I look in it. I wasn't masculine or femme. I was me. I think that
mindset really came into being when I started taking birth control pills that
eliminated my period. I forget sometimes that periods even exist. It's AWESOME!
I think that was the last time I really thought of myself like a lady, per say,
and not just like me. That last thing that made me truly female in my mind. I
want to note that I don't really see myself as having a disconnect between my
physical body and my gender or anything like that. I'm me. I dunno. I'm sure if
I talked to a doctor there's a specific term for that."
Person I: “Eating.
I love it. So much. But again every day is different. If you ask my friends, I
can eat like a horse – just keep piling food in, never seeming to get full. If
you ask my boyfriend, he may agree – but he knows a darker side. He would tell
you that I rarely eat, I only eat in front of people, that I only eat tiny
amounts of food in private (unless it is a video game marathon where I can’t
get enough junk food). I do not eat any fast food. I haven’t since December of
2013. Just something I believe is super unhealthy for you. Don’t get me wrong
if a friend bought some micky d’s I sure as hell am going to have a French fry
– but no more than 3.
I think the 100lb mark is scary. While that may seem
crazy, it is the truth. I don’t want to be over 100lb. I have stretch marks on
several different parts on my body, with new ones popping up almost monthly.
This is where every day is different. I look in the mirror, I can see sag, I
can see stretch marks, I can see my rib cage, I can see my hip bones, I can see
an hourglass, I can see someone who looks sick. This is what I see most days –
not what I should be seeing, a confident young woman. But don’t get me wrong, I
do have those days too. They are just few and far between. I can feel
beautiful, take a selfie then two weeks later look and say “what the hell were
you thinking” You look terrible, look at the bags under your eyes, the
cellulite on your thigh.
I have never truly shared my feelings, now and then I
have a really bad day that can end in tears and I simply tell my boyfriend I am
just having a difficult day. They always pass. My issues do not make me want to
intentionally hurt myself, or make me angry, or resentful. I am me; I do what I
can to make myself better every day- put on that eyeliner at work, if that is
what I need that day to feel beautiful. I don’t like when any one comments on
my weight. I think it is rude. The one I get most often is “how do you stay so
thin” I don’t look back and say “Well, how did you get so fat?” That would be
mean. I take it the same way. What if I was having a bad day, what if that
morning I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I looked like a
malnourished holocaust victim? How would that make them feel if I told them that?
I wish people understood that I have just as many issues as other people.”
Try
believing, surround yourself with amazing people, eat better, eating at all,
take care of yourself more, say fuck the world?
