For The Love of The Game

*If you don't know some of these terms for roller derby, all you have to do is read some of my older post and it will all be explained in there.*

Part of me missing roller derby. There. I said it. It's been two weeks and I already feel so out of the loop. My wave (remember what a wave is guys?!) is taking their skills tests. Whoever passes will be able to fully play derby in full beast mode. Of course, people won't pass, and that will be cool, too. Its' really hard. It's seriously hours of hard core skating, showing off everything you just spent the last 18 weeks working on. They should be beyond proud of themselves. BEYOND. Anyone who is willing to join a contact sport, trains for 18 weeks, then puts it all on the line....awesome. Words can't describe how great it is to be have been able to watch everyone.

Then I think about if I want to get back up on skates. I've had far to much time to think about it and freak myself out of skating again. I need my new brace, as I keep saying, but bills bills bills. Let me tell you how great it is to be an adult.

I'm not sure how some people do it. I look at my sister. She works....holy poop does she work. She also has a six year old, a husband, pets, and she plays derby. I have no idea how she does it. I tell her that, too. Like seriously though. I don't understand people that can work, go to school, have a life...blah blah blah. It makes me feel so lazy inside!!!
However, through everything my sister broke her leg, was off skates for months and still found ways to go to practice and get back on skates and kick derby's butt.
There are many girls who break things and get back on skates and they are some people who never get hurt at all, just like any sport.

However, with that being the case...I wish I would get out of my head. I love NSOing, I feel like I'm good at it and I'm truly learning the game, which is awesome! Those knee taps though...they're holding me back from skating. I'm so scared I'll come down and never get back up. I'm scared that I'll roll my ankle again and this time it'll be even worse. After all, my ankle still bothers me. Poop.


Anyone else feel this way about things? I mean, it's just a love/hate relationship, but there's something about it. I know I shouldn't let fear stop me from doing something I want to, but then I love to NSO and that way I can still be around it, without having to actually skate.
I'm a baby.

Back to the start of this whole thing. Watching my wave come to an end it's almost surreal. I can't believe it's been 18 weeks and these people have come so far with skating and their skills. It's mind blowing and amazing. I'm just happy to be apart of the overall picture.

Burning Questions

So lately I have noticed something. I feel like I have talked...well graced this question/topic before, but I really need to get it out there. I have noticed that most people I know support gender and sexuality equality. I want to say, I'm proud to know so many supporters.

With that though comes this...why is it still such a big deal?! Why isn't it just something normal now. Like, are you bothering me? Are you hurting me? NO! You're going about your business causing no harm, just being gay. (trying through some punning humor in this....working?) Now, it is different when you have that ones that ruin it for everyone, but you have that for anything. There is always a jerk. Even in your group of friends you have at least one jerk!

Get with the times people.

With that, I know some trans people and there is one thing I've come to notice. (in talking with them and others!) That is, if you don't know if you're comfortable enough to ask a question, or if you're unsure if it'll offend them...DON'T ASK. Like, seriously. I hate it when I have a zit and someone is like "what's that? Something is on your face." YEAH THANKS I KNOW. Seriously. Did you have to point that out?
The inter-web is a wonderful thing. USE IT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING.

Again, this doesn't effect everyone. I do know some people that are so open about everything, they don't care. However, as a good rule of thumb, just keep it in mind that if you're unsure if it's okay to ask...it might not be okay to ask.
Now one of my very good friends is going through a transition and I know I can ask him anything and everything and he will never get upset. Then again, I know a few others that I'm friends with, but I do watch what I ask out of respect.
Another thing to keep in mind: it's all in the way you ask! It's easy to tell when someone truly is curious and wants to know and when someone is taking a hit. Please nice. Seriously.


I don't know. That's just been something on my mind lately. People are so rude. They see things in one light and that's that. Just because something is the way you like it, or the way you do things doesn't mean it's the only way.

Disney--Choices...the longest week ever

This past week as been one heck of a week. Let's just leave it at that.

I got my offer for the DCP and yes, I was very happy. As well as being happy I was shocked and faced with a very hard choice. I could go and then come back, sure. However, things at my current job wouldn't be the same.

Long story short, after many talks with my family and many tears later, it was best to leave the dream of working for Disney just that.

I don't feel like I need to explain myself and why I made this decision. I talked to my co-workers, my family, friends, and people who had just done the program. I did my homework, made lists of pros and cons and when it came down to it there was only one answer.

I'm at a happy place in life; something that hasn't happened in a long time. I'm not going to waste my happiness for the unknown. 

I don't care if you agree or disagree. I've had struggles, like many, and I'm finally at a really good place. At the end of the day I don't want to change things at the moment. Change is normal and will have to happen sooner or later and I understand that. However, my life has changed and for the better. 

Let the dream be a dream. 

On the other hand, I've decided that I am going to travel and do whatever I want this year. I'm planning a trip to New York (probably next year, but I'm saving). Just going places and enjoying this state I live in...something I haven't done in...well just about forever. 

It was a hard choice, but I already feel better about it. I don't feel regret. I love Disney...I should say I love to visit Disney. I'll keep it that way and I'm perfectly happy with that. 

Self Doubt?

Part of me is always really excited to go to practice and part of me is scared and kinda done with it already. I know for a fact part of it is because I'm so lazy and taking a whole four hours out of my week is just sooooo hard. (right.)

• I should say that four hours is just practice time. One should go to open skate sessions as well as working out on their own.  

Roller derby is hard. It will be hard. Much like any other sport it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work. I should be so proud of myself. 

Our main trainer (I say main because a lot of people are there to help out!) told us that we should be proud. We're the one's with the balls. The girls who stood up on our skates and signed up to join the league...we're the one's that have courage. There are a lot of people, myself included, who watch something happen and just think about how much they'd enjoy it. I love watching roller derby and of course I thought about how much fun it would be. I knew it would be hard, yet I couldn't help, but to think that I would be just fine. The first day, filled with tears, I thought to myself. I couldn't figure out why I was putting myself in this much pain. Then I realized...it's not just to do something with my sister...it's not just to make her proud and to piss our family off. All my life I've done theater. I'm safe there. Hell I majored in theater because I knew it's what I was good at. (Well, perhaps I'm not the best...or close to it, but it's what I know) Sure, I did softball, but I also knew that game. I know how to throw, hit and catch. Not once in my life have I ever, truly, stepped out of my comfort zone.

DERBY IS OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE 

AND I HAVE BALLS!

That takes a lot to say and even though today is only the third practice...I'm still going. I'm going to practice. I will gain more and more confidence with every practice. I will get stronger. I will get in shape. (I've always struggled with weight and only recently have been doing anything about it). I'm proud, strong, willing and badass. One day it'll get to be where I'm having fun. Who knows, maybe I'll start trying to put myself out there and talk to more of the girls to make friends. 

Now, I feel like it's important for me to touch on this whole...DCP thing as well. Auditions are next week and I'm doing a lot to get ready. I'm washing my face ten times more than I normally would, I'm keeping my nails clean and short, not to mention how much I've been whitening my teeth. It's not that I'm trying to change myself, but I am trying to look the best I can. Even then I worry if I look the part. It's stupid because there's clearly no way I would be come a princess and I've come to terms with that (no matter how hopeful I'm secretly still holding on hope for it); however, I don't know why my weight would matter so much to be a dancer or even more so a character that where's a whole fur outfit. I don't want to get in my head, but why am I trying extra hard to take care of myself? If they don't like me, that's their problem.
I can put the best smile on, the best me I can be, go out there and that's that. It all goes back to having balls. At least I'm going to auditions.

I'm trying and that's more than a lot of people can say.