Self Doubt?

Part of me is always really excited to go to practice and part of me is scared and kinda done with it already. I know for a fact part of it is because I'm so lazy and taking a whole four hours out of my week is just sooooo hard. (right.)

• I should say that four hours is just practice time. One should go to open skate sessions as well as working out on their own.  

Roller derby is hard. It will be hard. Much like any other sport it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work. I should be so proud of myself. 

Our main trainer (I say main because a lot of people are there to help out!) told us that we should be proud. We're the one's with the balls. The girls who stood up on our skates and signed up to join the league...we're the one's that have courage. There are a lot of people, myself included, who watch something happen and just think about how much they'd enjoy it. I love watching roller derby and of course I thought about how much fun it would be. I knew it would be hard, yet I couldn't help, but to think that I would be just fine. The first day, filled with tears, I thought to myself. I couldn't figure out why I was putting myself in this much pain. Then I realized...it's not just to do something with my sister...it's not just to make her proud and to piss our family off. All my life I've done theater. I'm safe there. Hell I majored in theater because I knew it's what I was good at. (Well, perhaps I'm not the best...or close to it, but it's what I know) Sure, I did softball, but I also knew that game. I know how to throw, hit and catch. Not once in my life have I ever, truly, stepped out of my comfort zone.

DERBY IS OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE 

AND I HAVE BALLS!

That takes a lot to say and even though today is only the third practice...I'm still going. I'm going to practice. I will gain more and more confidence with every practice. I will get stronger. I will get in shape. (I've always struggled with weight and only recently have been doing anything about it). I'm proud, strong, willing and badass. One day it'll get to be where I'm having fun. Who knows, maybe I'll start trying to put myself out there and talk to more of the girls to make friends. 

Now, I feel like it's important for me to touch on this whole...DCP thing as well. Auditions are next week and I'm doing a lot to get ready. I'm washing my face ten times more than I normally would, I'm keeping my nails clean and short, not to mention how much I've been whitening my teeth. It's not that I'm trying to change myself, but I am trying to look the best I can. Even then I worry if I look the part. It's stupid because there's clearly no way I would be come a princess and I've come to terms with that (no matter how hopeful I'm secretly still holding on hope for it); however, I don't know why my weight would matter so much to be a dancer or even more so a character that where's a whole fur outfit. I don't want to get in my head, but why am I trying extra hard to take care of myself? If they don't like me, that's their problem.
I can put the best smile on, the best me I can be, go out there and that's that. It all goes back to having balls. At least I'm going to auditions.

I'm trying and that's more than a lot of people can say. 

 

Derby Day Two--Technically One.

Yesterday was the first day of fresh meat.

Roller derby has steps like most things. There is raw meat, which was what my first day was. Raw meat is a free practice. They will show you derby stance, how to fall, and how to stop. That's pretty much it. Now that was on Wednesday...Sunday morning I was finally able to walk up and down stairs without too much pain. Here's the kicker, fresh meat started Sunday.

Fresh meat is where you start to pay. My league it's $35 per month. (That, of course, if after paying for all your gear and your $70 WFTDA insurance) . However, you're not just paying with money.

Fresh meat, from what I have seen so far, is faster pace with less mercy. Eighteen weeks of nothing, but learning everything one would ever need to know about playing roller derby. Sounds easy enough. The girls that I've watched before make it look easier enough...until I got up on skates.

My sister told me by the end of practice I was looking better and more confident. (such an ego boost!)

I felt pretty good this time...it wasn't a cry day. Of course, because it wasn't a cry day, I'm thinking Wednesday I will be flat out down with derby once again.

From 10-noon is practice. Grab some food. Relax for a moment. Then from 2-5 was open skate. I didn't fall during practice, but I fell during open skate. I found out what wheels really do and how they stick differently to different floors. My skate stopped and I fell. GOOD THING--I fell forward.

By the end of it all, my body was finally giving out and I was feeling weak (not to mention how smelly I was)

• Side note: You will smell A LOT playing derby. Your pads will smell, you feet and skates will smell, and you in general will smell. Places you didn't know could even sweat will sweat. You will become gross. Your everything will become gross. In general, plan on being beyond disgusting. It may not happen right away, but it will happen.  

I was getting down on myself listening to some of the girls around the room. They were talking about how they didn't feel any or much pain after Wednesday. Now, you're told not to compare yourself to any skater, but let's face it...it's hard. After getting a bit down, some other girls starting talking about how sore they were! It sounds like a weird thing to be happy about, but it was pretty nice knowing I wasn't alone. 

However, the first practice was much like what we did in raw meat...other than the whole five minute endurance thing. I was group B so I got to do the following: down on one knee--put the other knee down--get up again and do that 20 times, do 20 bicycles, five push-ups, all on skates, as much as you can get down in five minutes. After that it was time to skate. Skate as many laps (safely, seeing as being safe is a huge part of derby; no matter what people think) as possible in five minutes. I was proud of myself--I did a little over ten laps! Ten laps is not bad for someone who never wore quad-skates...not to mention my last time on roller blades was middle school!

There are all different body types that join derby. There's tiny to large people. I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle; however, I am extremely out of shape. It'll get better...that's what people keep telling me and that's what I keep telling myself. 

It will hurt.

It'll be okay. 

Don't compare yourself.

Focus on your own improvement.