Brave; what it means.

You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering. - Ernest Hemingway

This quote has been floating around a lot lately and I feel like it goes along with how I've been feeling. I know so many people that have had depression or at least depressed at one point in their life. Yes, we do all have those off days where we're down and out, but true depressed is much deeper than just one bad day. It can last weeks, months, years, a life time and it will haunt you.

So why are these people the strongest people I know? They get out of bed, they go through their day and hardly ever will you ever see how much they are truly suffering.

Now, I feel like that is brave. 

However, getting help...I feel like that is one of the bravest things anyone can do.

I know I started off using depression as the example, but getting help for anything is brave. Admitting that you cannot do something by yourself and getting help is amazing. Admitting that you know something is wrong to the point where you need to get help and then you go and get that help...that's brave and something to be proud of.

It might start small. It might be something you talk to only one or two people about, but I don't think people realizing that talking about your issues or problems to anyone is a huge and wonderful step.

In getting help, you are brave and strong, it is something to be proud of.

Be proud. Be happy. Get help. Be brave.

Skater Down

Yesterday I thought about not going to practice again, after all, they were just taking pictures. I felt like I didn't belong in any of the pictures. Do I go with the fresh meat? Do I go with the NSO? Do I go anywhere? Well, long story short I went.

As soon as I walked in I hear this wailing. Everyone went down on one knee and I saw her. One of my favorite's on the ground just screaming. I've never heard someone screaming so loudly. I walked into the bathroom (she was already being tended too) and a girl right behind me rushing in saying that a girl was down and requesting a vet skater.

Not to long after that the ambulance was there, taking her away. A girl rushed into the bathroom feeling sick because her anxiety spiked.

It's hard. It's easy to really say that roller derby is a complete mind f*ck. A group of you were all just working on the same thing, you could've been feeling like you were finally getting it and then BAM. Out of no where someone is on the ground hurt...extremely hurt from something you were just doing.

I was lucky. I just had a sprain. It's hard enough wanting to even work out. I want to get on skates, but knowing that I'll have to do knee-taps which is how I got hurt...it's scary. Everyone who has gotten hurt has been there. Getting back up isn't easy, but it's what one has to do.

I was watching tv today and there was a quote, one that I've heard before and every time it makes me think. "Everyone falls down, but only a true hero gets back up."

It is such a strong statement and I think it's one that can carry us in whatever we do. Maybe you don't see yourself as a hero, but if you keep getting back up and you keep trying one day you'll go somewhere and you never know who you will inspire on your way.


As for the skater down? She has a total of five fractures. Three in her ankle and two in her leg. She will need surgery and at least 8-12 wees of being off that ankle/leg. The plus side is watching the whole team (fresh meats and vets) come together and help her and her family. People have already started volunteering to get her car home, take her food, babysit for her...whatever she needs. That's the meaning of roller derby.

As for me? I came home last night laughing, happy! I remember why I was so excited about joining in the first place. It wasn't to get in shape, (even though you will....you will gain weight, but it will be all mussel!) it wasn't to say I was doing it. It was to do something with my sister, to push myself into something new, and to start something where everyone has your back.
 Surrounding yourself by the best people can only help you in being the best you.

Watching The Masses

Everyone compares themselves to other...everyone watches other people. Come on now. I know a lot of people who can even say that "people watching" is one of their favorite things to do.

Today in practice...that's what I got to do. I watched.

At first I was really excited for it. Watching everyone skating around the track and doing the basics was really helping me understand what we were really doing. I know what to watch for now and it makes it a lot easier to notice things.

However, even though we're not suppose to judge other people, it is hard. I'm watching some of these girls that can clearly skate better than I can and so, naturally, that causes me to get down on myself. Then I notice half of the girls are at my level. --staying up, hardly falling, just trying--

There were some tears today. They may have been tears before, but this was the first time I saw someone crying at practice. I felt her pain. I've been there already as well.

It's funny because we are all trying new things. I've noticed that even the girls who I thought were beyond amazing were stumbling and having a hard time on at least one thing.

I was pretty upset because today we...well they learned how to do 180 transitions and turn around toe stops. Pretty much the transition is turning in around by lifting your feet (at least your heals) off the ground. The turn around toe stop is the same thing, but you put your toe stop down after you turn in order to stop and change direction that you're going if need be. I've been all about it and I was pretty bummed I miss it.

The swelling in my ankle has gone down, but there's a chance I won't be able to finish this wave. Wave being the group of girls that's training at a time. For now I'm keeping my hopes high and if nothing else I'm going to start does NSO-ing. NSO being non-skating official. Pretty much....score keepers.

We will see what it's like after Tuesday. The big audition day.

Until then R.I.C.E. is my friend, and I will keep it up.

Anyone can do anything for 30 seconds. 
There is always one thing someone can't do. No one is perfect.

Roller Derby...the Pain.

I finally hurt myself.

I shouldn't say finally. I should say....I had my first real fall. Not only was it my first fall, but it was the first fall during practice to actually stop a practice. Now I'm worried I'm "that" girl. I had to get up and rest my ankle, sitting with ice on it for the last half hour of practice. This morning isn't much better. On the plus side, my sister was there and got my water bottle and some pain killer right away. It isn't swollen and they don't think it's much, just a pulled muscle. For a pulled muscle...this sucker hurts! (the next day up date at the bottom)

I'm worried about going back now. Not because I'll get hurt again. I'm worried if I can stand to be on skates for two hours while working muscles that don't like being worked.

We were doing knee taps. For anyone that doesn't know what knee taps are you go down, tap one knee on the ground and quickly get up again...all of this while still skating and moving forward. If you stop (which I did...a lot!) you're not doing it right.

Doing a relay, we skated, t-stop, skated, knee tap, skated, rock star, then skated back as fast as possible ending in a one knee slide to high five the next person in line. The first time around I was way better than I thought I would be and I was proud of myself. Then we had to go again. My t-stop was worse (which I suck at them anyways) then came the one knee tap. I went down, pushed on my toe to come back up and rolled my ankle. A large pop and that's all it took for me to curl in a ball on the floor. With my skate off I felt so much better and ready to get back up...until I got up. Shooting pain went into my calf until I started walking a bit more. Then I felt pretty good the rest of the night. The more I move today - the better it feels, but I'm so scared to push it.

I'm proud that I wanted to get up and finish practice. I'm proud that I walked it off as much as I could. I'm not so proud of how scared I am to go back to practice on Sunday. I can't walk without a limp...how am I suppose to go to practice?

Vocab Time:
T-stop: A way to stop skating. Place one foot behind the other forming a T. Gently squeeze with your butt and your thighs to pull your back foot close, making yourself stop and the "T".
Rock Star: A way to fall. Drag one toe letting yourself gently glide to one knee, then gently place your other knee down and slide like a rock star would!
One-knee Slide: A way to fall. Like the rock star, but you only put the one knee down and slide until you stop.


Update: It's been two days since I hurt my ankle and my sister is finally making me go to urgent care. I worked yesterday and I came home to rest...later that night my ankle bone was swollen. This morning it is still swollen and still hurts. It was going to happen. I have to go to urgent care. That also means...no skating Sunday. The plus side of that is I get to rest up for my audition on Tuesday for the DCP. Hopefully I will be well enough to dance...at least pull through for a while. Hopefully it'll be nothing, but a sprain, but until the pain goes away...I'm afraid no more skating for me.