How Did It Get So Late So Soon?

“How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

― Dr. Seuss

At the end of his life Theodore Geisel wrote this  quote and from my childhood I never understood it. Now listening to it again one can realize all of it's meaning. Yes, it was at the end of his life; however, it can be looked at through so many eyes, so many ways. Much like his other works, there is a strong message.

Life. It's ever changing.

People come and go, days fly by, then months, then years, next thing you know you're old and then you're wondering how it got so late so soon. 

I've never been on that wants to go out and party. I've never been one that takes a breath to live in the moment. I'm a planner and worrier. Honestly, there's nothing great about it. Plans get broken and worrying only drives a person mad. Why plan for one moment when there are so many that'll pass by every day. 

Don't sweat the small stuff. Easier said than done. 

I look at my past and a lot of the people in it. The people I trusted, the broken heart I melted back together, even the laughs and tears. 

I've noticed a lot of people lately saying they were done trying to be in someone else's life, when that other person puts in no effort. I've always said this. I've always tried this. What drives me crazy is I'm good at it. I'm good at going my own way and doing my own thing, but as soon as someone comes back from my past I'm so willing to let them back in. They could've betrayed me, I could've hurt them..it doesn't matter. They came back, I let them in. 

Blind faith. A lot of people have it. Mostly for religion. 

Not only does blind faith in general make no sense, what makes even less sense is my blind faith in people. Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe it's a sensitive person thing. Maybe it's a me thing. I put my trust and faith into people I hardly know. I know getting to know someone is half the adventure and half the fun, but this is how my brain works.

I meet someone, they're amazing, I feel great. I start to get to know them more. I love being around them. I love the stupid jokes and how they're always on my mind. Slight fear. What if they don't like the person I am? What if they can't stand a habit I have? What if their friends don't like me? What if they're family doesn't like me? What if I don't like them? What if...what if...what if everything actually works? What if things are okay. Why do the what if's have to take over? Then the break up happens, or then you stop being friends. Then you look back, you realize things were good, things were truly okay. What then? Then you feel terrible about things. Did you do it? Was it your overthinking? Was it your nerves? Was it you? 

Stop. Legit, stop. 

That's what it was. It became to a point where things didn't matter. The fire from before had died down. You left things get to your head and before you know it[?]...it got so late...so soon. 

Don't let it become December before it's June. 

Sure, things don't always work and yes time will fly, but it doesn't mean you need to worry, panic, over think..no. 

When you find yourself saying the time as flewn and you're asking how it got so late so soon, I hope it's because you were having so much fun, because you didn't look at the time, because you were so wrapped up what you were doing, feeling wonderful, that when you finally sit down all you can do is smile and ask yourself how it got so late so soon.  

Planting Flowers

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and cleaning a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a women, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all our roads on today because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight. After awhile you learn...that even sunshine burns if you get to much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong and you really do have worth...and you learn and lean..with everything good-bye you learn."

--Jeorge Luis Borges "You Learn"

"You can't have confidence with out competent"

--Mathew Hussey "This Brilliant Line Got Me To Call" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BefTJPuBrs&feature=youtu.be

**I do recommend watching that video if you have time. I found it very interesting on his point of view about things he speaks about**

Life, as we all know, will throw curve balls as many times as possible; however, this is what I've noticed. Life throws you as many curve balls as you let it. They will always happen and that's something you cannot stop. What you can stop if the way to you take that curve ball. It won't happen over night. It takes a long time to get out of your head and to just relax. Relaxing is something that I can never do. I've never been good at just taking the day and going off and relaxing. Sure, I can say I did it, but even after a relaxing day I will still be in my head thinking about everything I need to worry about for tomorrow. I've always been one that wears my heart out of my sleeve and because of that I have been hurt. I've been hurt as in simply being bullied all the way up to being completely heart broken. (I mean, gross, crying, snot running, heart broken). I know for a fact that I put myself in situations where I'm setting myself up to be hurt. For example, in relationships I always say I'm going to move slow, then I get caught up in the feeling. The feeling of being wanted, the feeling of the butterflies and the nerves, then getting to know the person, realizing everything you have in common with that person. Of course, the planning of what the future may bring. It's all very exciting and scary all at the same time. Then it happens. The other person realizes just how fast it is all moving and the drop it on you. It's no one's fault. People should be open and honest with each other when they're in a relationship. However, for me it takes more than a few weeks, even a few months to realize that things are moving at the scary fast pace. 

Then again, not all break up can be bad. Sometimes you stop talking to a friend because they're a bad influence on you. Sometimes you know you just don't want to hang out with that group, whoever they are. All of that is perfectly fine. People will always come and go from your life. 

I read a post that was talking about the moment you realize you finally let go and it was beautiful. 

"It's funny how it can hit you, like a ton of bricks, so sudden. Maybe it's a certain smell, or a phrase you heard a long time ago that can bring back a memory, a lifetime. [...] The way he looked at me, how he played with my hair, held my hand when he walked me home, the slightest pressure of his lips touching mine, his secure embrace, breathing in his cologne, how his eyes glowed in the night, how he said "I love you." Sometimes we would just sit next to each other not uttering a sound and I'd just feel this overwhelming feeling of safety. [...] Early this year he came back into my life for the last time. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of after all of this time he still felt the same way. All of these emotions bubbled up but the end result was me saying it didn't work the first time for a reason. I loved him and he loved me, but we didn't love ourselves. [..] A huge chunk of my life, yet it was only for a moment."

Of course it is all summed up for this post, but there is still a strong and wonderful message behind it all. These life changing events that happen to us only last a moment. The people, the stories, the events, it all could have lasted weeks, months, years and it was just a moment. Whatever left the impact on your heart was a moment in time. It's just about mind blowing to think how fast it takes to fall in love. For me, I can fall in love within days, within moments of talking to someone. It doesn't have to be the love where you want to marry them and spend forever with them; however, you could find something you love about someone. I love their humor, I love their smile, I love the way they get that silly face when they're thinking about something, I love their laugh, I love that they're them. Perhaps it's a fault of my own that I try to see good in everyone, try to be there, try to help them and support them throughout anything. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. Whenever I am going through something I hate talking about it, I hate putting myself out there and admitting that I'm hurt. I shut people out and just give advice instead. 

Even with all of this, falling in love to easy and fast, finding good in person, everything that someone might see as good can be terrible. Even then, it only takes a moment to have positive feelings towards someone;however, once those feelings are there it can take forever to go away. Forever for trust to go, forever for the love to fully go away.

Then again, for someone people it goes away so quickly. Once it's away it takes forever for it to come back. Someone from the past hurt you, someone from the past made all of that hurt happen and now for everyone in the future, you're still stuck on the moment, the moment it happened. 

So what can we do? We plant our own flowers. We water them. We grow them. We have to give them the rain and the sunshine if we want them to grow. It won't happen over night, it'll take time, care, understanding and love....patience. You might not always know what you're doing, you might make mistakes, but the flowers will understand. The flowers will still support you.

Things just kinda happen

With events from this past week I've been thinking about everything from the past. The worst part is that Miley Cyrus has been stuck in my head. "I Miss You", I should say. I'm not sure why that songs still out, well I do, but it's something I'd rather not talk about.

Good things this week though, I've been closer to people who I have missed, or who I have wanted to get to know better. I'm very excited about that. I decided to take back my life and for everything that stresses me out, I've been kicking back with something that has been making me happy.

Yesterday it was shopping and my good friend I hadn't seen in a while, the day before that it was a Grumpy Cat coffee, my cat, things I like about myself, today it was the sun, my lunch, eating lunch with another one of my good friends. Truly focusing on the small things that will be the best things about my day.

One of the biggest things that made me happy was that I got two shirts that were a size SMALL! (Then it made me laugh because at the same store, I got a shirt that was a large...seriously, what is wrong with women's sizing?!)

Malice front of things, I still haven't heard back about being able to use "Malice in Wonderland". I have found out I'm terrible at waiting for things. Patience isn't a bad thing, embrace it. <---sounds words of advice for life in general.

One of my friends quoted something off my blog and it made me stop and think. It was a really good quote and I was proud of myself that it came from my mind. Like seriously, mind blown moment.
I'm determined to write a huge long post about everything that's been going on, but for now I'll leave you all with a little story of my life.

When my mom got sick for the second time, I went into a shell. I stopped eating and just went through the motions of life without really living. It is something I regret, but here's how I'm feeling now about it all. I can admit that I stopped eating. I can admit I had a problem. I can admit that I feel better now and that, although some days I don't eat much, I am eating. I'm healthier, I want to be healthier. My step-father and I were talking about my eating habits (he brings up how little I eat almost all the time) and he just said "you were quite angry there for a while." It was such a simple statement, but the words ran so deep within me. I was angry, I was beyond angry! The one thing I could control, eating and the boys I dated. It's weird looking back at it. I had to be dating someone or I would go insane. I just needed someone to be there to tell me it was all going to be okay. It took some time before I realized I was the one needing to tell myself it would be okay. I pulled myself out of my funk. Now, I will admit I rush into relationship, for the excitement of someone else's attention. It isn't always the best thing, but it's me. I can slow down, but the adventure awaits to far to exciting. People say I'm young, I have time, it's true. People also say my mom is young...so young. She is young and yet, she can't do things I get to do every day. I get up out of bed, I shower, I dress myself, I go to the bathroom by myself. These things are things people don't think about, but I do. So when an adventure comes knocking it's something I jump at.
It doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking. I am. It's just that young for some people ends with high school. It ends when you can finally say "I'll be okay" to yourself and you mean it. It ends when you start eating. It ends when you start loving yourself and living in the moment.
If that makes me crazy, so be it. If that means I move a little to fast or even to slow sometimes, so be it. I'm just being me.
We all have things going on. We all have hard times, good times, and all times in between. Everyone handles things differently. The only thing you can do is know that one day you'll be able to say "I'm okay." It won't fix things, you'll still be broken and it'll be a fight every day, but it'll be okay. You're not alone. You'll never be alone. Find the same things that make you happy through out the day and then one day, before you know it, you'll just be....okay. Sometimes okay is simply perfect.

Soul Crusher

Here's a little update....after sulking all day on Tuesday and hating my life, I went to bed. I woke up and got a hair cut. I plan on getting a massage next week and guess what? I don't really hate life anymore. Sure, it sucks. Being turned down will always suck. However, I will keep thinking about the upside to everything. There's always more chances and more auditions, I don't have to wear the fur and I might still be offered another role. There are some jobs...or rolls as they call them, that I would love to have down there. One girl said "at least I'll be down there." When I think about it, it's true! She will still get to go down there and spend a few months surrounded by the happiest place on Earth. That opens a huge door.

Now I should explain that I'm not trying to be bitter. There are some things I don't understand about that audition. There will always be things you don't understand. You could've killed the audition...best one in your life and if you're not what they're looking for....that's that. It helps that I knew I wasn't going to be a princess or anything. I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I'm a size 11 (or so, you know those weird in between sizes. That's me). However, to be a character at Disney? Come on now. I read somewhere that most of the princesses are a size 2 or 4 and that there is a few that are size 6. If you read their website is does say height is the most important, but there's no reason to not face that facts on that one.

Anyways, so I sulked and was fine. Until practice that night. Watching is starting to get more annoying than anything. I want to get back up and start skating again. At least until they need their knee taps. That's still scaring the crap out of me. I'm not sure if I'm in the right mental state to do that now.

I did stay after and started to NSO. Non-skating official. I had to sit, so I was put in the penalty box. Sit with a stop watch, as soon as your color (depending on what side of the box you're sitting on and what side of the track the girls are on) sits down the timer starts. They sit for 20 seconds then you say color, number and stand. They stand and after ten more seconds (so they're there for 30 seconds total) you say color, number and done. Then they go back on the track. Next week we get to learn how to do paper work for the box as well. There are more jobs as well like penalty tracker and score keeper. Everyone keeps saying it's one of the best ways to learn how to play the game and just learn the game in general. So for now, that's what I will do.

My spirits? Keeping them as high as possible. You will hear a million "no's" before you get a "yes"....that one yes is all that matters.

Oh and for anyone who is wondering....soul crusher is a derby term. It's part of a strategy. One jammer knocks the other out of play and goes as far back on the track as she can causing the one that was knocked out to enter behind the one who knocked her out. Pretty much it makes the one who got knocked out have to skate further before entering to play again. It's a lot easier to see.

Watching The Masses

Everyone compares themselves to other...everyone watches other people. Come on now. I know a lot of people who can even say that "people watching" is one of their favorite things to do.

Today in practice...that's what I got to do. I watched.

At first I was really excited for it. Watching everyone skating around the track and doing the basics was really helping me understand what we were really doing. I know what to watch for now and it makes it a lot easier to notice things.

However, even though we're not suppose to judge other people, it is hard. I'm watching some of these girls that can clearly skate better than I can and so, naturally, that causes me to get down on myself. Then I notice half of the girls are at my level. --staying up, hardly falling, just trying--

There were some tears today. They may have been tears before, but this was the first time I saw someone crying at practice. I felt her pain. I've been there already as well.

It's funny because we are all trying new things. I've noticed that even the girls who I thought were beyond amazing were stumbling and having a hard time on at least one thing.

I was pretty upset because today we...well they learned how to do 180 transitions and turn around toe stops. Pretty much the transition is turning in around by lifting your feet (at least your heals) off the ground. The turn around toe stop is the same thing, but you put your toe stop down after you turn in order to stop and change direction that you're going if need be. I've been all about it and I was pretty bummed I miss it.

The swelling in my ankle has gone down, but there's a chance I won't be able to finish this wave. Wave being the group of girls that's training at a time. For now I'm keeping my hopes high and if nothing else I'm going to start does NSO-ing. NSO being non-skating official. Pretty much....score keepers.

We will see what it's like after Tuesday. The big audition day.

Until then R.I.C.E. is my friend, and I will keep it up.

Anyone can do anything for 30 seconds. 
There is always one thing someone can't do. No one is perfect.