700 Views...What?

So, I know I haven't posted much on here, life...right?
However, I checked on things, getting ready to right a post, then I looked at 700 views! I'm shocked from the different countries and how many views I've gotten.
I didn't think anything would come of this. It was a place to express my thoughts and everything I was going through.
I hid this blog from the world. I opened about about things I never thought I would talk about.
Then, slowly, I started telling people about my blog, started giving out the link and now I'm open about it.
I'm proud of myself for everything. I have changed so much since I started this blog and it hasn't even been a year, yet.
I have dated, cried, laughed, feared, smiled, changed. I learned so much about myself and others. Things I will never forget, almost keep close and never let go of.
I want this to be a place where I can look back at smiled, remember my life for the good and bad times and know that things were good.
I lived through everything and I have proof.

I have proof that I'm not alone and I'm human.

When I started  realizing that I was okay if people read this, I realized how selfish I was being. Now I can hope that someone reads this and realizes they're not alone. That's the point of writing.
Express myself and everything I've ever feared, everything I've been through, everything good and bad, things are okay. People grow. I keep saying now that if one thing happens I hope someone, just one person, realizes that they're not alone.
I know from writing this, I've realized I'm not alone. I've been able to let go of a lot of things and move on myself. It's really helpful and I encourage everyone to start writing. Just on paper even. Keep it to yourself or put it out there under a fake name. Do something. It'll help. One day you'll realize that you're ready to share it with the world. You're ready to move on, let go, and live again.

So my little views, I can never thank you enough. Even if it's the same three people viewing over and over again. I thank you. You have suffered through all my stories, my terrible grammar, my posting a lot at once then nothing at all.

I encourage you to comment on things, ask me questions, ask me for advice, ask me anything, ask for a topic you would like to hear about, give me feed back. I would love some! I'm happy to just ramble, as I'm sure you can tell, but seriously, I'm open to hearing what you guys (or gals, or just people) think!

So You're Dating A Firefighter.

How did that happen? Wonderful question.
Have you ever met someone and when you first start talking you just know that you want that person in your life. Like, no matter how they're in it, they just need to be in it for you to keep your mind.
Well that happened.

Then you find our they're a firefighter. At first sight, it sounds wonderful. So cool and you get all this cute stuff that says "firefighter's girlfriend" or "my heart belongs to my firefighter". Trust me...there's a lot of cute stuff like that out there. Then it sounds amazing because you're talking to a hero, someone who saves people, someone that people look up too. It's all so over whelming you don't realize what comes with it.

The fear, every time he's at work, the stress, which is brought on by the fear, the PTSD, from everything he's seen.
By the time you realize all the stresses you're already pulled in to deep. You look into his eyes and see the future and it's so bright and happy. One can only wonder how someone who has seen so much have so much light in their eyes.
You want to become close to someone, but because of their past they might pull away. This can happen to the best of us, but a lot of us get over it. We heal and move on from the past, from the people who hurt us or the time we hurt ourselves, but what happens if we couldn't heal? If we couldn't stop the pain. If we had triggers, if we had smells or sights that would stop you and place you back into a time when things weren't so good?

Think of it this way, an ex boyfriend, they had a hoodie you loved to steal from them, it smelled like them, it made you so happy and safe...then you break up. You slowly move on and get over and you may even find someone else who makes you happier than your ex. Then one day you walk by someone and they smell like he did, the scent of what use to be your favorite hoodie surrounds you, it over takes you. It brings back him and what he did. Now think about that, but watching someone die, watching their house burn into ashes. (or sometimes PTSD is sexual assault). Take that smells of your ex boyfriend and amplify by ten....ten hundred, ten thousand, ten million! You can't..you may think you understand how bad it is, but you can't unless you were there with them

How are you suppose to love and support someone through something you can hardly understand? It pushes them way from you. It can cause so many stresses on every day life and your relationship and yet you look at them and you just feel like everything is alright because it's a good day.

It's scary. It's hard. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and it's something that is going to take time. I might complain. I might have a bad day trying to deal with everything. I might want to give up, but I can't. I know he will need me, even if it's to get his mind off of things, even if he doesn't want to talk or open up. So the next time I say "My boyfriend is a firefighter", I will say it with a smile, but don't think it's because I think it's the coolest thing in the world or because I get all the cute little "firefighter's girlfriend" stuff, it's because at the end of the day we will be stronger than ever because we have a bond. We have a bond that will hold us together until the ends of time if we let it, because he has shared with me, I have listened and I still don't treat him differently. He is a person. He's much more than a firefighter and much more than PTSD.

Part Two: Just Talk It Out

"Some people without brains do an awful amount of talking"

-Scarecrow

Another thing I noticed, and that's true to myself, is that it's the people you care about that makes you realize things. That or, it's a least people you're around often and around enough to realize that they are making you see yourself differently, which isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes those people can be the ones you talk things out with. I've posted about telling my mom the bad things I was doing to myself and I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. I was wondering if this is common. Whenever I talk about how much I hate this part of me or that, I always get the same response..."shut up, you look great!" I'm guilty of telling people this myself I'm sure we all are. Buy why? If you're feeling terrible about something do you tell someone? Have you tried? Have you wanted to? What did you do to make yourself feel better? What can you do?

Person A:  ""You look great! Don't feel bad about yourself!" and "But you're skinny!" are typically things I hear. I've also had many roll their eyes my way, as I let on about my insecurities

It's an obsession that's nearly impossible to break, constantly thinking about how your body fits into your clothes, and if other people notice things you try so hard to hide. I still can't help but feel as though everyone is always looking at me, whenever I wear a new outfit, or a pair of jeans that fits a little tighter.
I don't want people to tell me I look great and that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I look like. I DON'T, and someone guilting me into thinking I don't have a reason to doesn't make me feel better."

Person B: "I always tease myself for being big my whole life, if when i was the perfect size 13 in the 9th grade. I have had girls tease me for looking like a lesbian. Because i was bigger and never wore girly clothing. Didn't know how to wear makeup."

Person C: "Yeah...I get a lot of "you're tiny, you're crazy" when I've gained 15 pounds and went up a pant size....to me it's traumatic. I haven't been this heavy and wide since puberty. "

Person D: "[...]through out the years I reached out to my so called friends but none understood. My family didn't grasp what I was going through either. They just told me to loose weight and not to focus on the body I was in at the time. I really believe that it was only till I got to college that I felt understood. Going into theatre where there tends to be loud insecurities and a lack of self-confidence for most people, people could relate. They helped me gain confidence, and taught me to love the skin I was in again."

Person E:  "I have talked to some people, mostly significant others. They are supportive and try to help me see myself in a better light. If I talk to my friends, I am very factual and indifferent. I focus on what happened (usually a body shaming story) but not how I feel."

Person F: "I love talking about it. When I was younger I wasn't allowed to say how I felt because if I showed confidence, someone brought me down, or if I wore something I liked, I was told it's something I shouldn't wear. I wore a uniform and was told by the other girls I needed to start shaving my legs, I was fat, my skirt was too long, my clothes were wrinkled.

I never told my family about my issues at school because I had to be strong, I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my brothers or my mom. My mom used to always tell me I had to be strong, and crying was weak. (When I grew up more I realized this was due to my mom's issues. She married verbally abusive/controlling men and her father was even worse.) Plus there were so many other kids and I felt like my brother wasn't strong enough so I hid everything and was strong for him.

I also didn't talk to my friends about my issues. I wanted them to like me and every time I exposed an insecurity, most of my "friends" used it against me. I did not develop many close friends as a child because of this. As an adult, I like to talk about issues and insecurities. It helps rationalize and when I show my weaknesses it allows others to show theirs. I guess that kid never changed, and I just want everyone to be open and discuss issues with me. It is very freeing and I want others to feel better. I pride myself in being someone easy to talk to and confide in. I will be what I can be for others, but they need to tell me, I don't like assumptions, because it leads to misunderstanding."

 Person G: "Some said a phrase, some blew it off, some really cared and understood."

Person H: "I guess I kind of covered the first part about my mom. That and the anger at my unstable health would be something I could only work out in therapy. Lots of therapy. It was just mixed up with other issues and needed to be untangled together.

The social crowd I have been in for most of my adult life is made up of mostly guys. And the few girls and I all started out from this place of 'we're not girly, no one taught me how to do makeup and I don't need it anyway, here's my t-shirt and jeans, take it or leave it'. Since then it's evolved into a place where we all dabble in clothing and makeup. We care about how we look and know there's a time and place for it. I think we all had to get to a place for it. I think we all had to get to a place where we shed judgement. Including how we felt about our own selves. You can bet your ass that a lot of that for me came from the home environment I was raised in, with a fair dose of "fuck you and your established norms, I DO WHAT I WANT"."

Person I: “My entire life I have been thin. I have only weighed over 100lbs once—and that was because my boyfriend had me drink water until I hit 100 – I don’t know why I am so thin. But at the same time I have my inclinations. I think I am afraid. I am at a pretty constant weight ranging from 93-96lbs. The doctor is not concerned with my weight, since I eat fairly healthy and my tests come back normal. I have only every had one doctor tell me I need to exercise more.”

So great, we can talk about feelings, or try to for some. For some it helps and for some it doesn't. However, like most people will tell you...only you can change you. Easier said than done...no doubt what that. It took me a long time to finally get to the point where I was happy, at least for the most part. I have days, just like today, sweat pants, junk food, feeling bad about whatever is happening. I think it's healthy.

I started this blog to track my progress. The DCP, derby....life and where I was going. Then I hit a wall. I often think about the past; the past being something I wish I would stop thinking of. I can't stop wondering how different life would be if the smallest of things were to have changed.

If I didn't sprain my ankle, I would've already taken my skills test and who knows...I might even be able to play derby. If I would've taken the DCP I would be going down there right now and enjoying my, seemingly, dream job. I wouldn't be applying for new jobs, stressing over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Stressing. Part of me seems like that's all I've been doing lately.

When I started this blog, I wasn't stressing. I was in a pretty good place and I had big things planned out in my mind. That just goes to show where life can take you.

In order to get over some of this stress, I have to face the past. I have to face the past...have to.

I've already made a post about how depressed I once was...I was in a dark place for a while, blaming just about everyone else for my problems. It's easy to do. It's normal to do. It's called being a teenager.

However, being me, I had to take it to the next level. There was a few months where I didn't know where I was going. Just about fell in to the wrong crowd was step number one. I didn't really eat, something I still struggle with often, and I started doing self-harm. I recall just out of my little group of friends, about half us did self harm. It took me a while to admit it, even if others around me was willing to admit their problem. I'm happy to say it never became more than a couple of times of me being to hard on myself.

I remember that one time I told my mother that this was all happening and she just looked at me and said "it's okay." I was hurt. It didn't seem like she cared and it threw me. It made me realize at that point I was only trying to get some attention. I was being selfish and childish and I needed to grow up.

Being bullied through most of middle school is part of my issues as well. Because of that, I wanted everyone to like me. Feeling like if everyone liked me then life would be easier, I wouldn't get hurt so much..blah blah blah. I didn't understand back then that I didn't need to change, I like who I am.

Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I over think things. I like to plan things, I have a hard time relaxing and just going with the flow. It's been something I've been working on. People are always changing, growing and learning. Until then, I'm just trying to go through life being the happiest I can be.

Now, I realize most of my post lately have been down and mostly just annoying, to be honest. I'm working on a big post about body images, uses, and stories that people have been willing to share with me. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm working on spending time on me, spending time with my friends, and enjoying life as things come. It's hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for others as well.

I guess with these posts, I can only hope that someone reads it and realizes that they're not the only one that feels this way. They're not alone. They're not annoying people. They're not some thing that should be pushed aside. No one who truly cares about you will push you aside. They will be there for you even if they don't text back in the same day, if they don't see you every day...they care and they will be there when it counts most. Calm down. Deep breath. It gets better. It's not even as bad as you think. Tough words. Tougher to take in. Even tougher to believe.

I read this article on Buzzfeed that pretty much sums up what you're going through if you feel this way about anything: http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/hello-anxiety-my-old-friend?bffbhealth&utm_term=4ldqpkl#.qpE644drv

Soon my post will be filled with happy thoughts and the best of times. With good times; however, come the bad. In posting with this blog I like to truly capture everything that goes through my mind. There is no point in acting like I'm perfect or like my life is perfect. It's not. It's an inner struggle most days to get out of bed. However, I smile, I put happy thoughts into my mind, and I realize that my life truly isn't a bad as I think it is. It isn't perfect, but perfect is boring.

Flying Under The Radar

Sometimes flying under the radar is good. Sometimes flying under the radar is bad. It really depends on the outlook you have as well as the situation.

I'll be the first to admit that I like being under, for the most part. I like just doing my own things and being able to have time to myself.
However, I'm also the first to admit when I like someone, I just want to scream "LOOK AT ME" and have them pay all the attention in the world to me.

Now, this might seem selfish, but I haven't really heard of a person who doesn't want that one person to notice them. It might be more of a girl thing, maybe more of an emotional person thing, whatever it may be, it will suck.

I can't say no one wants to be that annoying person just begging for 'the one' to look at them, because some people just love to be the center of attention. Let's face it, we've all been there at least one point in time. I have to admit as well that even though I love my alone time, but sometimes there is that one. One person that makes you just want to sit and spend every moment with them because they just make you so happy.

It sucks when you realize that you're falling for this person. Then you realize you really don't know them. You're so in love with the idea of them. Your mind races of the future and what could be. I'm not sure about guys, but I know girls do this. (at least my friends). You at least stop and think "Could I marry him?" or "Can I see myself with him for a long time?". For me, at least, I'm at the point where I don't want to date to just date. To me that's boring and pointless. I know one day I do want to get married; therefore, anyone I date...I'm really just dating them to see if I want to marry them. It's a weird thought. I should also put that just because I feel this way, doesn't mean if I date you I want to marry you. No. I need to know that I can really stand you. That I like the way you snore. That I like the way you cook. I like how you shower in the morning and hate showering at night. I have to be able to poop in the same house as you, I have to know where you want to live in the future. There's a lot that goes into it. I'm not saying there's not. HOWEVER, I still keep all these things in the back of my mind when dating someone.

With all of that being said. I wanted this post to be about flying under the radar when you're in the talking/dating period with someone. Life gets in the way, that's bound to happen. It's important to keep in mind that things will happen. What tells the good from the bad is that when things get rocky they still want to work through things. They want a better tomorrow, with you. It's a wonderful and strange feeling. At least for me, it's not one that I'm use to. However; when I look back at this post I'll laugh. I'll either be flying high or flying a new path. Either way, no one with fly at one pace or height. Just keep your head up and one day you'll lift yourself up enough that you won't even realize how high you're flying. It'll just be okay. Sometimes that's the best thing ever.

How Did It Get So Late So Soon?

“How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

― Dr. Seuss

At the end of his life Theodore Geisel wrote this  quote and from my childhood I never understood it. Now listening to it again one can realize all of it's meaning. Yes, it was at the end of his life; however, it can be looked at through so many eyes, so many ways. Much like his other works, there is a strong message.

Life. It's ever changing.

People come and go, days fly by, then months, then years, next thing you know you're old and then you're wondering how it got so late so soon. 

I've never been on that wants to go out and party. I've never been one that takes a breath to live in the moment. I'm a planner and worrier. Honestly, there's nothing great about it. Plans get broken and worrying only drives a person mad. Why plan for one moment when there are so many that'll pass by every day. 

Don't sweat the small stuff. Easier said than done. 

I look at my past and a lot of the people in it. The people I trusted, the broken heart I melted back together, even the laughs and tears. 

I've noticed a lot of people lately saying they were done trying to be in someone else's life, when that other person puts in no effort. I've always said this. I've always tried this. What drives me crazy is I'm good at it. I'm good at going my own way and doing my own thing, but as soon as someone comes back from my past I'm so willing to let them back in. They could've betrayed me, I could've hurt them..it doesn't matter. They came back, I let them in. 

Blind faith. A lot of people have it. Mostly for religion. 

Not only does blind faith in general make no sense, what makes even less sense is my blind faith in people. Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe it's a sensitive person thing. Maybe it's a me thing. I put my trust and faith into people I hardly know. I know getting to know someone is half the adventure and half the fun, but this is how my brain works.

I meet someone, they're amazing, I feel great. I start to get to know them more. I love being around them. I love the stupid jokes and how they're always on my mind. Slight fear. What if they don't like the person I am? What if they can't stand a habit I have? What if their friends don't like me? What if they're family doesn't like me? What if I don't like them? What if...what if...what if everything actually works? What if things are okay. Why do the what if's have to take over? Then the break up happens, or then you stop being friends. Then you look back, you realize things were good, things were truly okay. What then? Then you feel terrible about things. Did you do it? Was it your overthinking? Was it your nerves? Was it you? 

Stop. Legit, stop. 

That's what it was. It became to a point where things didn't matter. The fire from before had died down. You left things get to your head and before you know it[?]...it got so late...so soon. 

Don't let it become December before it's June. 

Sure, things don't always work and yes time will fly, but it doesn't mean you need to worry, panic, over think..no. 

When you find yourself saying the time as flewn and you're asking how it got so late so soon, I hope it's because you were having so much fun, because you didn't look at the time, because you were so wrapped up what you were doing, feeling wonderful, that when you finally sit down all you can do is smile and ask yourself how it got so late so soon.  

Planting Flowers

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and cleaning a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a women, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all our roads on today because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight. After awhile you learn...that even sunshine burns if you get to much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong and you really do have worth...and you learn and lean..with everything good-bye you learn."

--Jeorge Luis Borges "You Learn"

"You can't have confidence with out competent"

--Mathew Hussey "This Brilliant Line Got Me To Call" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BefTJPuBrs&feature=youtu.be

**I do recommend watching that video if you have time. I found it very interesting on his point of view about things he speaks about**

Life, as we all know, will throw curve balls as many times as possible; however, this is what I've noticed. Life throws you as many curve balls as you let it. They will always happen and that's something you cannot stop. What you can stop if the way to you take that curve ball. It won't happen over night. It takes a long time to get out of your head and to just relax. Relaxing is something that I can never do. I've never been good at just taking the day and going off and relaxing. Sure, I can say I did it, but even after a relaxing day I will still be in my head thinking about everything I need to worry about for tomorrow. I've always been one that wears my heart out of my sleeve and because of that I have been hurt. I've been hurt as in simply being bullied all the way up to being completely heart broken. (I mean, gross, crying, snot running, heart broken). I know for a fact that I put myself in situations where I'm setting myself up to be hurt. For example, in relationships I always say I'm going to move slow, then I get caught up in the feeling. The feeling of being wanted, the feeling of the butterflies and the nerves, then getting to know the person, realizing everything you have in common with that person. Of course, the planning of what the future may bring. It's all very exciting and scary all at the same time. Then it happens. The other person realizes just how fast it is all moving and the drop it on you. It's no one's fault. People should be open and honest with each other when they're in a relationship. However, for me it takes more than a few weeks, even a few months to realize that things are moving at the scary fast pace. 

Then again, not all break up can be bad. Sometimes you stop talking to a friend because they're a bad influence on you. Sometimes you know you just don't want to hang out with that group, whoever they are. All of that is perfectly fine. People will always come and go from your life. 

I read a post that was talking about the moment you realize you finally let go and it was beautiful. 

"It's funny how it can hit you, like a ton of bricks, so sudden. Maybe it's a certain smell, or a phrase you heard a long time ago that can bring back a memory, a lifetime. [...] The way he looked at me, how he played with my hair, held my hand when he walked me home, the slightest pressure of his lips touching mine, his secure embrace, breathing in his cologne, how his eyes glowed in the night, how he said "I love you." Sometimes we would just sit next to each other not uttering a sound and I'd just feel this overwhelming feeling of safety. [...] Early this year he came back into my life for the last time. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of after all of this time he still felt the same way. All of these emotions bubbled up but the end result was me saying it didn't work the first time for a reason. I loved him and he loved me, but we didn't love ourselves. [..] A huge chunk of my life, yet it was only for a moment."

Of course it is all summed up for this post, but there is still a strong and wonderful message behind it all. These life changing events that happen to us only last a moment. The people, the stories, the events, it all could have lasted weeks, months, years and it was just a moment. Whatever left the impact on your heart was a moment in time. It's just about mind blowing to think how fast it takes to fall in love. For me, I can fall in love within days, within moments of talking to someone. It doesn't have to be the love where you want to marry them and spend forever with them; however, you could find something you love about someone. I love their humor, I love their smile, I love the way they get that silly face when they're thinking about something, I love their laugh, I love that they're them. Perhaps it's a fault of my own that I try to see good in everyone, try to be there, try to help them and support them throughout anything. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. Whenever I am going through something I hate talking about it, I hate putting myself out there and admitting that I'm hurt. I shut people out and just give advice instead. 

Even with all of this, falling in love to easy and fast, finding good in person, everything that someone might see as good can be terrible. Even then, it only takes a moment to have positive feelings towards someone;however, once those feelings are there it can take forever to go away. Forever for trust to go, forever for the love to fully go away.

Then again, for someone people it goes away so quickly. Once it's away it takes forever for it to come back. Someone from the past hurt you, someone from the past made all of that hurt happen and now for everyone in the future, you're still stuck on the moment, the moment it happened. 

So what can we do? We plant our own flowers. We water them. We grow them. We have to give them the rain and the sunshine if we want them to grow. It won't happen over night, it'll take time, care, understanding and love....patience. You might not always know what you're doing, you might make mistakes, but the flowers will understand. The flowers will still support you.