Part Four: Is The End The Beginning?

           This series started saying to never change who you are. Do you still feel that way? Was Shakespeare true in saying "to thine own self be true"? Perhaps. It just depends on where we're at in life. Depends on how we feel. Never change you. I feel like when someone says never change they mean the person you are, at least the person they think you are. No one sees the demons within. When I look at someone and I see a smile on their face, I always try to think about why they're so happy...why they're smiling or if it's even real or not. I try to smile through just about everything. Smiling and smiling just hoping it would one day turn into a real smile and it did. I worked hard to make myself happy, to let go, to let all the anger I held in just out. Talking to people, writing a blog, writing songs and poems, getting everything out has helped. It was hard and scary and it sucked. 
  

Person A: "You're never going to be completely happy with what you look like. You'll always wish x,y, and z were different (and those variables change!). Even with the luxury of being pregnant and not having to worry about how my clothes fit, I still find myself worrying about what other people think about my body, and I hate it.

No one is 100% in love with who they are and how they look. No one. So we (as a culture) need to stop beating ourselves up because we don't have as much confidence as ______. So we need to learn to like ourselves. NOT become overly confident and boisterous and brag... but just learn to appreciate the good qualities we do posses. Those insecurities are never going to go away, because those characteristics we're insecure about are probably never going to change.
In middle school (and even high school) people used to squawk (like a parrot) and cackle at me like the Wicked Witch from Wizard of Oz, because of my nose. Sure, I could drop a pretty penny go to and get it "fixed," but what would I accomplish? I'd be doing exactly what those bullies would want me to do; I'd be letting them win. Some girls are just born thicker and broader. We can't get hung up on the ideal body image, because even those girls don't have that look going for them. Just find things you like about yourself (write them down!), and focus on exaggerating them! Just like we as girls don't want to date or marry a "project," guys don't either. It's fine to have insecurities, but DON'T let them inhibit you from becoming self-sufficient, and LIVING."

Person B: "Right now, I’m still in the depression mode. Weighing 230 pounds takes a toll on a person. Once I work my way to 199. Then I will realize I am an amazing person, and if I can lose 30 pounds then I can do anything. And then love myself. Hopefully. I always think if I was skinny how my life would be. I'd be sleeping around with guys. Smoking weed with my friends. Become what both my parents were. So I am grateful I’m over weight because I grew out of the stoner life like my parents and a close friend and trying to do something with my life. Even with a few extra pounds."

Person C: "I'm at a standpoint of I will eat whatever I want, to a "it's time to be healthy and fit and meet my body goals....so I'm in the process of change."

Person D: "Not gonna lie there are days that I just don't even want to leave the house cause I feel like a giant ugly ogre. Sometime the clothes just don't look right and I feel like crud. I sink back to those feelings. It will happen, it happens to all of us. But you have to tell yourself that this feeling is only TEMPORARY. It will pass, and then you'll feel better. You'll rock those skinny jeans and won't even care to cover up you're acne. When you feel great, you tend look great. It really doesn't matter about how others see you, it's how you see you. Once you focus on that, and are able to love that, then you'll feel accomplished. You'll feel comfortable in your own skin. You'll be able to dust off people's comments like nothing and you'll finally be able to GLOW."

Person E: "I had a seriously sprained ankle in high school. The day after it happened, I asked my mom if she could get my stuff from the car. I had a lot of stuff and couldn't get it on crutches. She said that maybe if I got it I could work off my love handles and then refused to help me. My little brother ended up carrying my stuff in with me. I was so shocked that the hurt didn't sink in for a while. My mom still makes off handed comments sometimes but less than she use to." 

Person F: "I wanted nothing more than to be liked and fit in as a kid. I would make friends and either they would start disliking me, or others pressured them into disliking me. I was too nice and an easy target. There was something about me that stood out and I never really understood it.

At home I was the younger sister and tom boy. I only wore hand me downs and was never asked for much. My parents thought of me as the one they didn't need to worry about.
I ate my feelings, I had consistent nightmares, I was teased constantly, but I kept it to myself.
Actually I never listened to rumors and I think I'm better for it. I was friends with the kids that were held back for "immaturity" in elementary, the kid who picked his nose, the new kids, the weird ones, the smelly ones, the peepers, the quiet, honestly anyone who stood out. I value identity, and even if they didn't try, they were the weird kids to everyone else, and that says to me they knew who they were and didn't know how to pretend to be someone else.
Ok ok, for real, body image. The biggest turning point was when I was given the opportunity to start over when my family moved. I eventually became friends with the popular and somewhat popular kids. I went from being the lowest peg on the social latter, to clutching at the top. It was when one of the girls "joked" that the biggest kid in class was going to eat her, I knew I didn't want that. The year prior, before I hit a growth spurt, the same was said to me. It wasn't a great feeling being told you're so fat you could eat another person. I couldn't be part of that. I spent the rest of middle and high school in the same position as before. No one really knew me, but they liked me enough to talk to me occasionally. I was often the backup friend, but I deviated again.

Through my life I have learned that being happy with yourself, is accepting the weird ugly meat bag we're all wearing. It has nothing to do with who we are. Gender, size, shape, none of it should matter. We have limited control in our meatsack, we should all embrace and love it. for all of its imperfections.
Now I just need more meatsacks who embrace me. That weird girl on mean girls is kind of an intense version of me. I want to have a love cloud that protects all the people I care about so they are free from judgement and can learn to love their meatsack as much as I love them, for just being them.
I could write tons more, but I realize most of my discussion of bodies is a disinterest in the physical aspect of who people are."

Person G: "I am now in a better place. I had a kid and realize my body will never be the same but that is ok. I gave birth to a beautiful tiny human. I have my good days and bad days. But the good are out waying the bad. I have a husband who loves me no matter what and tells me I look beautiful daily." 

Person H: "Just that I think that being able to strip down all that bullshit and insecurity got me to a place where I feel really comfortable with who I am. It took a lot of work. I'm also lucky to have a husband that looks at me as an equal and who respects my body. He's not weirded out by it. He doesn't say something snippy if I don't shave my legs for awhile (no political agenda here, usually just lazy). He's still attracted to me and is comfortable. I don't think I'd be able to be involved with someone who struggled to accept me. I'm not cookie cutter. And he's totally fine with that." 

Person I: “I do think (and however sad this may sound) the best motivation, at least that I have discovered is when someone notices you, a man, a woman, whoever it may be – when they seem to have that desire. It makes you want to try harder. I love my boyfriend, I want to marry him, I don’t want anyone else besides him. But, that notice, is what can keep you motivated – even with no intention of giving into the desire.”

So, what have we learned? If you're still with me, thank you. I was going to shorten the stories, but I felt like it took away from everything. There's a common theme of people feeling so down about themselves and people telling them that they were right. Some of them found peace, found at least one person who helped them, some just count on themselves. I can't wrap my head around why people are so rude...not just to strangers. It's easy to be rude or mean to someone you don't know, you don't have that connect to even begin to feel bad for, right? What about people you know? What about people who are suppose to love you and be there for you? What happens when they're rude to you? Do you think about what you say? How easily it could break someone? Smile at someone. Some random person on the street. Give a homeless person a water bottle. Listen to someone. Listen to their stories. Listen to their life. People are screaming their stories at you; all you have to do is listen. Perhaps if we start listening, we will learn about them. Perhaps if we start sharing our stories we can start relaxing, opening up, living a new life, getting happier and realize that looks don't matter as much as we think.

Part Two: Just Talk It Out

"Some people without brains do an awful amount of talking"

-Scarecrow

Another thing I noticed, and that's true to myself, is that it's the people you care about that makes you realize things. That or, it's a least people you're around often and around enough to realize that they are making you see yourself differently, which isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes those people can be the ones you talk things out with. I've posted about telling my mom the bad things I was doing to myself and I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. I was wondering if this is common. Whenever I talk about how much I hate this part of me or that, I always get the same response..."shut up, you look great!" I'm guilty of telling people this myself I'm sure we all are. Buy why? If you're feeling terrible about something do you tell someone? Have you tried? Have you wanted to? What did you do to make yourself feel better? What can you do?

Person A:  ""You look great! Don't feel bad about yourself!" and "But you're skinny!" are typically things I hear. I've also had many roll their eyes my way, as I let on about my insecurities

It's an obsession that's nearly impossible to break, constantly thinking about how your body fits into your clothes, and if other people notice things you try so hard to hide. I still can't help but feel as though everyone is always looking at me, whenever I wear a new outfit, or a pair of jeans that fits a little tighter.
I don't want people to tell me I look great and that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I look like. I DON'T, and someone guilting me into thinking I don't have a reason to doesn't make me feel better."

Person B: "I always tease myself for being big my whole life, if when i was the perfect size 13 in the 9th grade. I have had girls tease me for looking like a lesbian. Because i was bigger and never wore girly clothing. Didn't know how to wear makeup."

Person C: "Yeah...I get a lot of "you're tiny, you're crazy" when I've gained 15 pounds and went up a pant size....to me it's traumatic. I haven't been this heavy and wide since puberty. "

Person D: "[...]through out the years I reached out to my so called friends but none understood. My family didn't grasp what I was going through either. They just told me to loose weight and not to focus on the body I was in at the time. I really believe that it was only till I got to college that I felt understood. Going into theatre where there tends to be loud insecurities and a lack of self-confidence for most people, people could relate. They helped me gain confidence, and taught me to love the skin I was in again."

Person E:  "I have talked to some people, mostly significant others. They are supportive and try to help me see myself in a better light. If I talk to my friends, I am very factual and indifferent. I focus on what happened (usually a body shaming story) but not how I feel."

Person F: "I love talking about it. When I was younger I wasn't allowed to say how I felt because if I showed confidence, someone brought me down, or if I wore something I liked, I was told it's something I shouldn't wear. I wore a uniform and was told by the other girls I needed to start shaving my legs, I was fat, my skirt was too long, my clothes were wrinkled.

I never told my family about my issues at school because I had to be strong, I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my brothers or my mom. My mom used to always tell me I had to be strong, and crying was weak. (When I grew up more I realized this was due to my mom's issues. She married verbally abusive/controlling men and her father was even worse.) Plus there were so many other kids and I felt like my brother wasn't strong enough so I hid everything and was strong for him.

I also didn't talk to my friends about my issues. I wanted them to like me and every time I exposed an insecurity, most of my "friends" used it against me. I did not develop many close friends as a child because of this. As an adult, I like to talk about issues and insecurities. It helps rationalize and when I show my weaknesses it allows others to show theirs. I guess that kid never changed, and I just want everyone to be open and discuss issues with me. It is very freeing and I want others to feel better. I pride myself in being someone easy to talk to and confide in. I will be what I can be for others, but they need to tell me, I don't like assumptions, because it leads to misunderstanding."

 Person G: "Some said a phrase, some blew it off, some really cared and understood."

Person H: "I guess I kind of covered the first part about my mom. That and the anger at my unstable health would be something I could only work out in therapy. Lots of therapy. It was just mixed up with other issues and needed to be untangled together.

The social crowd I have been in for most of my adult life is made up of mostly guys. And the few girls and I all started out from this place of 'we're not girly, no one taught me how to do makeup and I don't need it anyway, here's my t-shirt and jeans, take it or leave it'. Since then it's evolved into a place where we all dabble in clothing and makeup. We care about how we look and know there's a time and place for it. I think we all had to get to a place for it. I think we all had to get to a place where we shed judgement. Including how we felt about our own selves. You can bet your ass that a lot of that for me came from the home environment I was raised in, with a fair dose of "fuck you and your established norms, I DO WHAT I WANT"."

Person I: “My entire life I have been thin. I have only weighed over 100lbs once—and that was because my boyfriend had me drink water until I hit 100 – I don’t know why I am so thin. But at the same time I have my inclinations. I think I am afraid. I am at a pretty constant weight ranging from 93-96lbs. The doctor is not concerned with my weight, since I eat fairly healthy and my tests come back normal. I have only every had one doctor tell me I need to exercise more.”

So great, we can talk about feelings, or try to for some. For some it helps and for some it doesn't. However, like most people will tell you...only you can change you. Easier said than done...no doubt what that. It took me a long time to finally get to the point where I was happy, at least for the most part. I have days, just like today, sweat pants, junk food, feeling bad about whatever is happening. I think it's healthy.

Part One: Let's Begin.

"To thine own self be true"

--William Shakespeare

 Never change who you are.

Such a bold statement. Not only ourselves, but as a society, we change. Sometimes it's good and sometimes...well...not so great. However, change is something that is bound to happen. 

With that being said, I can change and still stay true to myself. Sure my ideas and thoughts may change, but  tis life. Things change. People change. All you can do is hope that change is for the better.

What should really be explored is how do some people change for the better and some...not so much. I believe it's the world we place around us. Just go on Facebook, you will see post saying "since when did this become hotter than this?" with a picture of a model now verses one from the 40's or 50's. If you look at men's clothing the sizes are based on actual sizes, measurements. Women's clothing, at least most of them, change with the brands. In my closet right now I have bottoms ranging from size 8 to 14 and shirts from small to extra-large.

Now that's just sizing issues that can lead to having body issues. That's not to talk about feeling one gender and being another, being under weight, being over weight, seeing movie and TV stars, comparing yourself to others...the list could go on and on about how we're effected.

Lately it seems that companies and brands are trying to get people to understand and realize that all bodies are beautiful. It's slightly hard to realize that when it's been pushed into our minds for so long that we're not okay. We don't look okay. Who we are isn't okay. Why? What can we do about? Is there anything we can do? Can we talk about it? I think we can. These people are anonymous, even to myself.  Some of them didn't mind sharing their names as well as their stories, but I think it's better, at least for now, to keep everything anonymous.

One person speaks of PCOS. It's a common illness that effects most women. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It effects a lot of things in a woman's body and can cause issues in losing weight, having children and more. Learn more about here: http://www.webmd.com/women/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview. I encourage woman to get this checked out. I, myself, finding out I had PCOS about a year ago, it makes sense. I feel so much better now that I know what's going on and got the proper medication.

Now, with all of that being said that was all focused on mostly weight issues. There was some of the whole "not being comfortable" thing, but let's face it. Most people you talk to will tell you their body image issues come from a place of feeling like they don't fit into the "cookie cutter" design.  What about the other time of mind f*cks? What if you're simply trapped in the wrong body? That's a whole other set of issues one has to face. The sad part is, we're all facing the same issues. Feeling crappy about our looks and how we feel about ourselves. If this is true then why is something like lipo, Botox, or even tummy lifts, not to mention the other way around where people try to gain weigh to keep from being called names, some things no one bats an eye at, but changing your gender to feel better is frowned upon? Now, you may have your own thoughts and that's perfectly fine. I'm not asking you to agree or disagree with what anyone has said, including myself, I just want to look at the facts. Why is it okay for some people to get surgery's to feel better about themselves, no matter what for, and not others? Makes sense? I didn't think so.

This leaves me wondering when we start realizing that we're different? Is it something that's always there? Is it something that we learn over time?

Person A:  "There wasn't ever an "ah-ha!" first moment that I realized I had body issues. I feel like it's just something I've always dealt with. I distinctly remember being conscious about my insecurities, for the first time, when I got into my first "real" relationship, when I was 17, and I was actually considering have sex. Then the flood of "What if he doesn't...", "What if he thinks..." and other "what if" questions overwhelmed me."

Person B: "I first started realizing I had body issues when I was in the 7th grade. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have any siblings to teach me the right way to eat, or dress. All the other girls were skinny and wearing pink and bright colors while I was fat and tall and wearing mostly black clothing because I was embarrassed to dress girly."

 Person C: "When I was about 12 or 13. I would watch Mary-Kate and Ashley movies and sitcoms and compare my foreign structure to theirs, thinking I was "fat", when my actual bones were wider than theirs and my thighs can never have a thigh gap even in size 2 jeans. I've finally realized I'm just built differently, but still am not 100% with my current weight/size."

Person D: "I suppose it was when I was 10 years old, a family member told me that I looked like I was three months pregnant. I was used to being bullied at school and I even was back stabbed by my only friend, but that comment stuck with me. I'm 22 now and grew a lot taller, six feet tall to be exact. Now, you still can tell that I'm overweight, but no one can guess my weight, somehow it's hidden through my height. It followed me to when I was in high school. I would dodge mirrors because anytime I saw my own reflection. Immediately got nauseous and was entirely repulsed by it. I started starving myself. There was a point where I didn't eat anything for three days and I ended up dry heaving in the girl's bathroom. Although, I wasn't the only one doing that though. A ton of my classmates were bulimic and anorexic. Looking back, it's really sad that it was such a common thing. At that point I HATED MYSELF. I hated that hating myself, it's the worst feeling ever. I had severe depression that made me go into counseling and still deal with it till this day."

Person E:  "I first consciously realized it when I was in middle school. A friend commented on how I wear baggy clothes a lot. I wondered why and figured I was trying to hide myself."

Person F: "There is no time in my life I can remember before body issues. I was always too short, too chubby, my hair was wrong, I wore the wrong thing, I wore it the wrong way, I was bigger than everyone else my age. The list goes on."

Person  G: "Middle school. 7th grade volleyball. I was just getting to the puberty stage and was one of the last girls to shave their legs. I got made fun of for it and that night I asked for a razor. From then on, I was comparing anything and everything I did. I compared looks and body types."

Person H: "My body "issues" sort of came in phases. First there was a complete identity denial: my mom insisted that I wouldn't be a "slut or dyke" on her watch (this was the way she described any girls who dressed up or wore makeup), so I found it easiest to just be devoid of any identity at all. I dressed in jeans and shirts. There was a good year period where I just wore grey shirts and jeans. My uniform kept me from being noticed in middle school and kept her ire at a minimum.

Next, my body issues manifested not as anything related to identity, but more that feeling like my meatsack body was out to ruin everything. I struggled with health issues into my mid-20s that filled me with resentment and anger. Here I was, trying to work hard and my body would undermine my efforts with debilitating pain. I was really down on myself but not because of my physical appearance.

In my late 20s though, my health stabilized and I was able to focus on being my authentic self. That self looks and feels pretty genderfluid. That self a little fluffy, but doesn't think about it much. I don't diet, never have. I don't worry about how others think I look. I still rarely wear makeup. I was/am often way too busy being anxious about everything else in my life to worry about how I appear. While this isn't an "issue", it's the latest phase of my relationship with my body."

Person I: “Ever since I can remember I have had some degree of body issue. Of course every day is different; I think that is the hardest part. One day I can feel untouchable – drop dead gorgeous – and others, I just want to hide my face, my body, my hair. I don’t think hiding my issues help me any, those days I wear a hoodie - in a way this is calming, but at the same time – it is accepting defeat, accepting that I want to hide.”

Notice anything? Anything at all? Anything that all of these stories and people share? How about how they noticed a change young, about puberty stage....then it stayed with them? Why did it stay with them? Why do people call it a phrase if it stays with you?