Flying Under The Radar

Sometimes flying under the radar is good. Sometimes flying under the radar is bad. It really depends on the outlook you have as well as the situation.

I'll be the first to admit that I like being under, for the most part. I like just doing my own things and being able to have time to myself.
However, I'm also the first to admit when I like someone, I just want to scream "LOOK AT ME" and have them pay all the attention in the world to me.

Now, this might seem selfish, but I haven't really heard of a person who doesn't want that one person to notice them. It might be more of a girl thing, maybe more of an emotional person thing, whatever it may be, it will suck.

I can't say no one wants to be that annoying person just begging for 'the one' to look at them, because some people just love to be the center of attention. Let's face it, we've all been there at least one point in time. I have to admit as well that even though I love my alone time, but sometimes there is that one. One person that makes you just want to sit and spend every moment with them because they just make you so happy.

It sucks when you realize that you're falling for this person. Then you realize you really don't know them. You're so in love with the idea of them. Your mind races of the future and what could be. I'm not sure about guys, but I know girls do this. (at least my friends). You at least stop and think "Could I marry him?" or "Can I see myself with him for a long time?". For me, at least, I'm at the point where I don't want to date to just date. To me that's boring and pointless. I know one day I do want to get married; therefore, anyone I date...I'm really just dating them to see if I want to marry them. It's a weird thought. I should also put that just because I feel this way, doesn't mean if I date you I want to marry you. No. I need to know that I can really stand you. That I like the way you snore. That I like the way you cook. I like how you shower in the morning and hate showering at night. I have to be able to poop in the same house as you, I have to know where you want to live in the future. There's a lot that goes into it. I'm not saying there's not. HOWEVER, I still keep all these things in the back of my mind when dating someone.

With all of that being said. I wanted this post to be about flying under the radar when you're in the talking/dating period with someone. Life gets in the way, that's bound to happen. It's important to keep in mind that things will happen. What tells the good from the bad is that when things get rocky they still want to work through things. They want a better tomorrow, with you. It's a wonderful and strange feeling. At least for me, it's not one that I'm use to. However; when I look back at this post I'll laugh. I'll either be flying high or flying a new path. Either way, no one with fly at one pace or height. Just keep your head up and one day you'll lift yourself up enough that you won't even realize how high you're flying. It'll just be okay. Sometimes that's the best thing ever.

For The Love of The Game

*If you don't know some of these terms for roller derby, all you have to do is read some of my older post and it will all be explained in there.*

Part of me missing roller derby. There. I said it. It's been two weeks and I already feel so out of the loop. My wave (remember what a wave is guys?!) is taking their skills tests. Whoever passes will be able to fully play derby in full beast mode. Of course, people won't pass, and that will be cool, too. Its' really hard. It's seriously hours of hard core skating, showing off everything you just spent the last 18 weeks working on. They should be beyond proud of themselves. BEYOND. Anyone who is willing to join a contact sport, trains for 18 weeks, then puts it all on the line....awesome. Words can't describe how great it is to be have been able to watch everyone.

Then I think about if I want to get back up on skates. I've had far to much time to think about it and freak myself out of skating again. I need my new brace, as I keep saying, but bills bills bills. Let me tell you how great it is to be an adult.

I'm not sure how some people do it. I look at my sister. She works....holy poop does she work. She also has a six year old, a husband, pets, and she plays derby. I have no idea how she does it. I tell her that, too. Like seriously though. I don't understand people that can work, go to school, have a life...blah blah blah. It makes me feel so lazy inside!!!
However, through everything my sister broke her leg, was off skates for months and still found ways to go to practice and get back on skates and kick derby's butt.
There are many girls who break things and get back on skates and they are some people who never get hurt at all, just like any sport.

However, with that being the case...I wish I would get out of my head. I love NSOing, I feel like I'm good at it and I'm truly learning the game, which is awesome! Those knee taps though...they're holding me back from skating. I'm so scared I'll come down and never get back up. I'm scared that I'll roll my ankle again and this time it'll be even worse. After all, my ankle still bothers me. Poop.


Anyone else feel this way about things? I mean, it's just a love/hate relationship, but there's something about it. I know I shouldn't let fear stop me from doing something I want to, but then I love to NSO and that way I can still be around it, without having to actually skate.
I'm a baby.

Back to the start of this whole thing. Watching my wave come to an end it's almost surreal. I can't believe it's been 18 weeks and these people have come so far with skating and their skills. It's mind blowing and amazing. I'm just happy to be apart of the overall picture.

How Did It Get So Late So Soon?

“How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

― Dr. Seuss

At the end of his life Theodore Geisel wrote this  quote and from my childhood I never understood it. Now listening to it again one can realize all of it's meaning. Yes, it was at the end of his life; however, it can be looked at through so many eyes, so many ways. Much like his other works, there is a strong message.

Life. It's ever changing.

People come and go, days fly by, then months, then years, next thing you know you're old and then you're wondering how it got so late so soon. 

I've never been on that wants to go out and party. I've never been one that takes a breath to live in the moment. I'm a planner and worrier. Honestly, there's nothing great about it. Plans get broken and worrying only drives a person mad. Why plan for one moment when there are so many that'll pass by every day. 

Don't sweat the small stuff. Easier said than done. 

I look at my past and a lot of the people in it. The people I trusted, the broken heart I melted back together, even the laughs and tears. 

I've noticed a lot of people lately saying they were done trying to be in someone else's life, when that other person puts in no effort. I've always said this. I've always tried this. What drives me crazy is I'm good at it. I'm good at going my own way and doing my own thing, but as soon as someone comes back from my past I'm so willing to let them back in. They could've betrayed me, I could've hurt them..it doesn't matter. They came back, I let them in. 

Blind faith. A lot of people have it. Mostly for religion. 

Not only does blind faith in general make no sense, what makes even less sense is my blind faith in people. Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe it's a sensitive person thing. Maybe it's a me thing. I put my trust and faith into people I hardly know. I know getting to know someone is half the adventure and half the fun, but this is how my brain works.

I meet someone, they're amazing, I feel great. I start to get to know them more. I love being around them. I love the stupid jokes and how they're always on my mind. Slight fear. What if they don't like the person I am? What if they can't stand a habit I have? What if their friends don't like me? What if they're family doesn't like me? What if I don't like them? What if...what if...what if everything actually works? What if things are okay. Why do the what if's have to take over? Then the break up happens, or then you stop being friends. Then you look back, you realize things were good, things were truly okay. What then? Then you feel terrible about things. Did you do it? Was it your overthinking? Was it your nerves? Was it you? 

Stop. Legit, stop. 

That's what it was. It became to a point where things didn't matter. The fire from before had died down. You left things get to your head and before you know it[?]...it got so late...so soon. 

Don't let it become December before it's June. 

Sure, things don't always work and yes time will fly, but it doesn't mean you need to worry, panic, over think..no. 

When you find yourself saying the time as flewn and you're asking how it got so late so soon, I hope it's because you were having so much fun, because you didn't look at the time, because you were so wrapped up what you were doing, feeling wonderful, that when you finally sit down all you can do is smile and ask yourself how it got so late so soon.  

Dating: Simply a Thought

When you date someone it's not suppose to be stressful, it's suppose to be an adventure. It's suppose to make you feel better about yourself. Your partner is just that, a partner. If it is stressing anyone out, it just isn't going to work. This happens and it's okay. The question is what do you do about it? To me, it's not hard. Break up with them. Don't lead them on. Don't do whatever you think is best for them. Sometimes you need to do what's best for you. If you're stressed and in a relationship it will kill you. In the long run, it will kill the other person as well. Now where is  the good in that? No where. My point.

However, the break up won't be the hard part. It's the days, weeks, sometimes months after the break up that's the hardest. You try to be friends, sometimes that works. Both parties have to be willing to be friends. Then again, sometimes it's better to completely let go, no matter how hard it seems at the time.

To me, what makes it worse is when you know deep down how much you really care about that person. You've only known them for a short amount of time, but they're there. They're in your mind. You worry about them. You hope they're okay, that they had a good day. You want them to know that you're there for them. You can try all the time, but if they won't let you in?...you're just wasting everyone's time.

The feelings will go away. It could take a long long long long time, but then someone else will come along. Someone will come who takes everything away. All the bad, even the good. They just make you seem like you're floating because they make you so happy. Of course people will fight, all relationships have fights in them. Don't settle and don't sit around just wondering what you did wrong. You could've done everything right, but if it's not with the right person none of it will matter anyways.

Wonderland. (Falling Falling Tick Tick Tick)

Falling down the rabbit hole.

Falling falling. 

It's almost time to pay the toll. 

Falling...falling.

Whipping and twirling,

it's enough to make one sick.

Falling, always falling.

Tick Tick Tick.

Wonderland awaits.

Colors so bright it's blinding.

Count the dates.

It's yours for the finding.

Tick tick tick.

White rabbit's coming.

Tick tick tick.

It's all so succumbing,

Falling down the rabbit hole.

Falling falling.

It's almost time to pay the toll.

Falling...falling.

What was once so comforting,

 is now so bleak.

What was once so soothing,

is now what makes you weak. 

Falling falling.

Tick tick tick.

Falling falling.

Tick Tick Tick.

Planting Flowers

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and cleaning a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a women, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all our roads on today because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight. After awhile you learn...that even sunshine burns if you get to much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong and you really do have worth...and you learn and lean..with everything good-bye you learn."

--Jeorge Luis Borges "You Learn"

"You can't have confidence with out competent"

--Mathew Hussey "This Brilliant Line Got Me To Call" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BefTJPuBrs&feature=youtu.be

**I do recommend watching that video if you have time. I found it very interesting on his point of view about things he speaks about**

Life, as we all know, will throw curve balls as many times as possible; however, this is what I've noticed. Life throws you as many curve balls as you let it. They will always happen and that's something you cannot stop. What you can stop if the way to you take that curve ball. It won't happen over night. It takes a long time to get out of your head and to just relax. Relaxing is something that I can never do. I've never been good at just taking the day and going off and relaxing. Sure, I can say I did it, but even after a relaxing day I will still be in my head thinking about everything I need to worry about for tomorrow. I've always been one that wears my heart out of my sleeve and because of that I have been hurt. I've been hurt as in simply being bullied all the way up to being completely heart broken. (I mean, gross, crying, snot running, heart broken). I know for a fact that I put myself in situations where I'm setting myself up to be hurt. For example, in relationships I always say I'm going to move slow, then I get caught up in the feeling. The feeling of being wanted, the feeling of the butterflies and the nerves, then getting to know the person, realizing everything you have in common with that person. Of course, the planning of what the future may bring. It's all very exciting and scary all at the same time. Then it happens. The other person realizes just how fast it is all moving and the drop it on you. It's no one's fault. People should be open and honest with each other when they're in a relationship. However, for me it takes more than a few weeks, even a few months to realize that things are moving at the scary fast pace. 

Then again, not all break up can be bad. Sometimes you stop talking to a friend because they're a bad influence on you. Sometimes you know you just don't want to hang out with that group, whoever they are. All of that is perfectly fine. People will always come and go from your life. 

I read a post that was talking about the moment you realize you finally let go and it was beautiful. 

"It's funny how it can hit you, like a ton of bricks, so sudden. Maybe it's a certain smell, or a phrase you heard a long time ago that can bring back a memory, a lifetime. [...] The way he looked at me, how he played with my hair, held my hand when he walked me home, the slightest pressure of his lips touching mine, his secure embrace, breathing in his cologne, how his eyes glowed in the night, how he said "I love you." Sometimes we would just sit next to each other not uttering a sound and I'd just feel this overwhelming feeling of safety. [...] Early this year he came back into my life for the last time. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of after all of this time he still felt the same way. All of these emotions bubbled up but the end result was me saying it didn't work the first time for a reason. I loved him and he loved me, but we didn't love ourselves. [..] A huge chunk of my life, yet it was only for a moment."

Of course it is all summed up for this post, but there is still a strong and wonderful message behind it all. These life changing events that happen to us only last a moment. The people, the stories, the events, it all could have lasted weeks, months, years and it was just a moment. Whatever left the impact on your heart was a moment in time. It's just about mind blowing to think how fast it takes to fall in love. For me, I can fall in love within days, within moments of talking to someone. It doesn't have to be the love where you want to marry them and spend forever with them; however, you could find something you love about someone. I love their humor, I love their smile, I love the way they get that silly face when they're thinking about something, I love their laugh, I love that they're them. Perhaps it's a fault of my own that I try to see good in everyone, try to be there, try to help them and support them throughout anything. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. Whenever I am going through something I hate talking about it, I hate putting myself out there and admitting that I'm hurt. I shut people out and just give advice instead. 

Even with all of this, falling in love to easy and fast, finding good in person, everything that someone might see as good can be terrible. Even then, it only takes a moment to have positive feelings towards someone;however, once those feelings are there it can take forever to go away. Forever for trust to go, forever for the love to fully go away.

Then again, for someone people it goes away so quickly. Once it's away it takes forever for it to come back. Someone from the past hurt you, someone from the past made all of that hurt happen and now for everyone in the future, you're still stuck on the moment, the moment it happened. 

So what can we do? We plant our own flowers. We water them. We grow them. We have to give them the rain and the sunshine if we want them to grow. It won't happen over night, it'll take time, care, understanding and love....patience. You might not always know what you're doing, you might make mistakes, but the flowers will understand. The flowers will still support you.

And Another Thing

okay so I've posted a lot lately and there is nothing wrong with that; however, I do wish things would stop coming into my mind. Like seriously.

Anyways, today on Malice on the rant we will be talking about the letter "L"....or more like the word "lie".

Like most people, I hate people who lie, and that's cool. It would be nice; however, if I could stop being so nice and open. I'm a talker. I like to talk things out with people and get over whatever it is that made me upset with you, but what I can't stand are the people that lie and lie and lie.
It's that whole fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me type of thing. I feel like, over all, I'm a forgiving person and I will forgive, even if I don't forget, and try to move on with things. One thing that makes it even harder though, is when people lie. That's something that's harder to forgive and harder to forget.

Long story short...don't mess with me. I'm not stupid and if you're really wanting to lie to me and avoid me....just don't talk to me.
Stop acting like we're friends then lie.

That won't fly.


Not cool, bro.