Missing Someone

This is a post I've been thinking about for a while.
It's all about missing someone, but not just anyone.

Lately I've been thinking about the people in your life that you're so happy they're gone. Your life was changed because of them--some days it's for the better and some days it's not.

How about when someone new comes into your life?

Things seemingly get better and you think about the other person less and less.
Of course, most of the time, you can't avoid them forever.

So...what do you do then?

Not too long ago I thought about a person who is no longer in my life (for the better). However, thinking about them made me stop. Why was I thinking about them? Did I miss them? Why?

It made me think about my boyfriend as well. Does he think about people in his past? People he says he hates, but he could still think about them...right? I am a jealous person, even if I try not to be. I think about others, even when I don't mean to, so how can I be so jealous of him thinking about others?

Does anyone else do this? Like seriously.

I'm fine and dandy and my life is great then BAM, that stupid random person pops in your head or on facebook or some random way and you look at them and think about that moment when you were actually happy being around them.

Don't get me wrong, I would never cheat. I would've even think about cheating. However, my mind just races away with weird thoughts of the past. Once I come to...well I realize that the person in the past is there for a reason. They're in the past for a reason. That's always so important for a reason.

If people are meant to be in your life they will be. I try to believe  that things happen for a reason, some times that is easier said than done, but I do try. I'm sure most people do. However, it's not fair when you think about someone you really don't want to. Yes, I understand life isn't fair, but it doesn't really make things easier.

So, long story short. Why do I do this?! Please tell me I'm not the only one.
The past can stay in the past any time now. KTHX!

Break Down

It happened.

I already had my first break down of 2016 and it's only 14 days in. 

I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to cry. I didn't mean to let him see me like that. 

But it happened. 

Reality sometimes hits. The fluffy clouds around me go away or turn into gray thunderstorms. 

It's been easy lately because he's not at the station, not risking his life, not running into fires. 

That'll soon end. It'll reach the point when he goes back, he gets back into working 24 hours at a time, maybe more, maybe less. 

The break down happened after we shared a moment. We held each other tightly and I felt it. You were slipping away. A sad song playing in the background and you were leaving me. I whispered for you to come back to me. You squeezed my hand before letting it go again. I hate when you let go. I felt my eyes swell. I didn't want you to see me cry. I try to be strong for you. You need someone strong at your side. You squeezed my hand again and this time for longer. You were finally coming back to me. At that point I told you I needed to get up. I went into the bathroom. Ran the water like I always do. There was something different that you didn't know happened. I cried. I stood in the bathroom, listening to the water running, and just cried. I came out and sat next to you. You had to ask for cuddles. You asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell you. More tears. You held me tighter.
I couldn't tell you because part of me didn't know why I was so upset. The other part of me knew I was just trying to block out what's really been on my mind. Living like this. Living knowing I have to watch what I listen to or watch around you. Knowing that this is how things were going to be. I better read up and buckle down figuring out how to suit your needs. I know that sounds selfish and I don't mean it to be. You take care of me. You want to take care of me. So far, you've done a wonderful job, but that's not the point. I try talking to you about my feelings and things get weird. I know it's hard to talk about it, but I need it. I need to talk about how I'm feeling. I need you to see me cry. I need you to know that it is hard on me. I can't. I hate it when you see me cry. I hate it when you hear me cry.
After I calmed down some, you went into the bathroom. I ran upstairs to grab something. I came back you were sitting on the floor. You left me again. You weren't there. I hate it when you leave me like that.
I sat with you, but you came back quicker this time. I actually felt like I helped some, even if I didn't. I used your phone, like we've talked about and started talking about happier things. You came back. You told me what had happened, I tried to comfort you...I feel like I failed. I told you everything was okay. I'm sorry. I know I'm not suppose to say that. I don't know how to comfort you with why you left. You're so worried about your scars and me seeing you all scarred up. I see you scarred every day. It's how you look. You can't see your scars though, trust me, I've tried to see them. I can't. Just like you, though...I don't want you to see my scars. That might be why I don't want you to see my cry. I don't want you to see my scars. Okay? I don't want you to see my scars! I want you to view me as strong and someone who will stand by your side, even though most days I'm not sure if I can do it.
I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. The more I read about being in this relationship, the more I get nervous. I know I love you. I know I want to spend my life with you. We have so many happy days and moments, yesterday was filled with them. You even admitted I know you better than you know yourself. It doesn't make it easier. I need you know that. I need to you know all of this. I hate watching you leave me, feeling your body and mind just drift away. It hurts. I feel useless, even if I'm helping. I need you to know that.
I know you know. That's not the point. It breaks my heart to have these feelings. I love and support you, no matter what you want to do in life. You know that. All I've ever asked is that you let me know, that you include me. Well, this is me including you. This is everything I couldn't say to your face. This is how I see our bad days. Our bad days. You're never alone while we're a couple. We're team. You always you have me, your protecting me, and I know. I want to have your back just as much, but I needed you to know this first.
I've never been one to keep hush when I feel about something. You know that. We've had talks about things that make you unhappy, but I've still made it clear where I was coming from and we've talked things out. It's been nice. I wish I could do that with our bad days, but I can't. I had to write it. You had to read it. I couldn't do it while we were face to face. I hope to get there one day. I hope I can get to the point where it's okay if you see my scars. You love me with my scars. I love you with your scars, so don't worry about them. I know that's easier said than done, but don't worry. I don't see them. I only see you. Just you. That's who I love. Just you.

700 Views...What?

So, I know I haven't posted much on here, life...right?
However, I checked on things, getting ready to right a post, then I looked at 700 views! I'm shocked from the different countries and how many views I've gotten.
I didn't think anything would come of this. It was a place to express my thoughts and everything I was going through.
I hid this blog from the world. I opened about about things I never thought I would talk about.
Then, slowly, I started telling people about my blog, started giving out the link and now I'm open about it.
I'm proud of myself for everything. I have changed so much since I started this blog and it hasn't even been a year, yet.
I have dated, cried, laughed, feared, smiled, changed. I learned so much about myself and others. Things I will never forget, almost keep close and never let go of.
I want this to be a place where I can look back at smiled, remember my life for the good and bad times and know that things were good.
I lived through everything and I have proof.

I have proof that I'm not alone and I'm human.

When I started  realizing that I was okay if people read this, I realized how selfish I was being. Now I can hope that someone reads this and realizes they're not alone. That's the point of writing.
Express myself and everything I've ever feared, everything I've been through, everything good and bad, things are okay. People grow. I keep saying now that if one thing happens I hope someone, just one person, realizes that they're not alone.
I know from writing this, I've realized I'm not alone. I've been able to let go of a lot of things and move on myself. It's really helpful and I encourage everyone to start writing. Just on paper even. Keep it to yourself or put it out there under a fake name. Do something. It'll help. One day you'll realize that you're ready to share it with the world. You're ready to move on, let go, and live again.

So my little views, I can never thank you enough. Even if it's the same three people viewing over and over again. I thank you. You have suffered through all my stories, my terrible grammar, my posting a lot at once then nothing at all.

I encourage you to comment on things, ask me questions, ask me for advice, ask me anything, ask for a topic you would like to hear about, give me feed back. I would love some! I'm happy to just ramble, as I'm sure you can tell, but seriously, I'm open to hearing what you guys (or gals, or just people) think!

Pre-Opt to Change

As some of you may know, I've been working on a post about body image and how if effects us. After typing it all up, finally, I realized just how long it was.

I could've shortened it, I could've taken away from what people had to say and from their stories, but it didn't seem right. I wanted the post to be raw.

It's something that's so close to me. I'm the one that's always smiling, always laugh, and always just trying to have the best of time. (Even though I like to stay at home most days.) However, I'm the girl to put on pounds of make-up, to spend hours trying to look good and still hating what I look like in the end. I wear high waist-ed clothing to hide my stomach. I use crazy angles for selfies. I hate meeting new people.  I hate talking on the phone. I hate a lot of things, but I wonder if I asked people who know me, who  are around me, or who have spent any amount of time with me knows how much I hate.

I try my best to smile. I try my best to laugh. However, we all have our issues. So, I will be having a series of four blog post, five if you count this one. It will be a deeper look into body image and the struggles that follow. It will tell eight different stories and I just hope someone can take something away from it. We will look at when these stories first started, the journey through the stories and a small where are they now. When I say small, that's a joke. It will be a lot of reading. It will pull at your heart strings and it will hopefully have meaning. I know reading these over and over has given me a lot to think about it and opened my eyes to a lot.
It goes back to one of the post I had a few posts back about how you're not alone. These wonderful people and their stories have made my realize that I'm not alone. I can relate to so much of what was said and I hope you can as well.

Over all, I hope someone reading looks at it, looks at the stories and can find at least one thing they can take away at least one thing.