I started this blog to track my progress. The DCP, derby....life and where I was going. Then I hit a wall. I often think about the past; the past being something I wish I would stop thinking of. I can't stop wondering how different life would be if the smallest of things were to have changed.

If I didn't sprain my ankle, I would've already taken my skills test and who knows...I might even be able to play derby. If I would've taken the DCP I would be going down there right now and enjoying my, seemingly, dream job. I wouldn't be applying for new jobs, stressing over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Stressing. Part of me seems like that's all I've been doing lately.

When I started this blog, I wasn't stressing. I was in a pretty good place and I had big things planned out in my mind. That just goes to show where life can take you.

In order to get over some of this stress, I have to face the past. I have to face the past...have to.

I've already made a post about how depressed I once was...I was in a dark place for a while, blaming just about everyone else for my problems. It's easy to do. It's normal to do. It's called being a teenager.

However, being me, I had to take it to the next level. There was a few months where I didn't know where I was going. Just about fell in to the wrong crowd was step number one. I didn't really eat, something I still struggle with often, and I started doing self-harm. I recall just out of my little group of friends, about half us did self harm. It took me a while to admit it, even if others around me was willing to admit their problem. I'm happy to say it never became more than a couple of times of me being to hard on myself.

I remember that one time I told my mother that this was all happening and she just looked at me and said "it's okay." I was hurt. It didn't seem like she cared and it threw me. It made me realize at that point I was only trying to get some attention. I was being selfish and childish and I needed to grow up.

Being bullied through most of middle school is part of my issues as well. Because of that, I wanted everyone to like me. Feeling like if everyone liked me then life would be easier, I wouldn't get hurt so much..blah blah blah. I didn't understand back then that I didn't need to change, I like who I am.

Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I over think things. I like to plan things, I have a hard time relaxing and just going with the flow. It's been something I've been working on. People are always changing, growing and learning. Until then, I'm just trying to go through life being the happiest I can be.

Now, I realize most of my post lately have been down and mostly just annoying, to be honest. I'm working on a big post about body images, uses, and stories that people have been willing to share with me. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm working on spending time on me, spending time with my friends, and enjoying life as things come. It's hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for others as well.

I guess with these posts, I can only hope that someone reads it and realizes that they're not the only one that feels this way. They're not alone. They're not annoying people. They're not some thing that should be pushed aside. No one who truly cares about you will push you aside. They will be there for you even if they don't text back in the same day, if they don't see you every day...they care and they will be there when it counts most. Calm down. Deep breath. It gets better. It's not even as bad as you think. Tough words. Tougher to take in. Even tougher to believe.

I read this article on Buzzfeed that pretty much sums up what you're going through if you feel this way about anything: http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/hello-anxiety-my-old-friend?bffbhealth&utm_term=4ldqpkl#.qpE644drv

Soon my post will be filled with happy thoughts and the best of times. With good times; however, come the bad. In posting with this blog I like to truly capture everything that goes through my mind. There is no point in acting like I'm perfect or like my life is perfect. It's not. It's an inner struggle most days to get out of bed. However, I smile, I put happy thoughts into my mind, and I realize that my life truly isn't a bad as I think it is. It isn't perfect, but perfect is boring.