So You're Dating A Firefighter.

How did that happen? Wonderful question.
Have you ever met someone and when you first start talking you just know that you want that person in your life. Like, no matter how they're in it, they just need to be in it for you to keep your mind.
Well that happened.

Then you find our they're a firefighter. At first sight, it sounds wonderful. So cool and you get all this cute stuff that says "firefighter's girlfriend" or "my heart belongs to my firefighter". Trust me...there's a lot of cute stuff like that out there. Then it sounds amazing because you're talking to a hero, someone who saves people, someone that people look up too. It's all so over whelming you don't realize what comes with it.

The fear, every time he's at work, the stress, which is brought on by the fear, the PTSD, from everything he's seen.
By the time you realize all the stresses you're already pulled in to deep. You look into his eyes and see the future and it's so bright and happy. One can only wonder how someone who has seen so much have so much light in their eyes.
You want to become close to someone, but because of their past they might pull away. This can happen to the best of us, but a lot of us get over it. We heal and move on from the past, from the people who hurt us or the time we hurt ourselves, but what happens if we couldn't heal? If we couldn't stop the pain. If we had triggers, if we had smells or sights that would stop you and place you back into a time when things weren't so good?

Think of it this way, an ex boyfriend, they had a hoodie you loved to steal from them, it smelled like them, it made you so happy and safe...then you break up. You slowly move on and get over and you may even find someone else who makes you happier than your ex. Then one day you walk by someone and they smell like he did, the scent of what use to be your favorite hoodie surrounds you, it over takes you. It brings back him and what he did. Now think about that, but watching someone die, watching their house burn into ashes. (or sometimes PTSD is sexual assault). Take that smells of your ex boyfriend and amplify by ten....ten hundred, ten thousand, ten million! You can't..you may think you understand how bad it is, but you can't unless you were there with them

How are you suppose to love and support someone through something you can hardly understand? It pushes them way from you. It can cause so many stresses on every day life and your relationship and yet you look at them and you just feel like everything is alright because it's a good day.

It's scary. It's hard. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and it's something that is going to take time. I might complain. I might have a bad day trying to deal with everything. I might want to give up, but I can't. I know he will need me, even if it's to get his mind off of things, even if he doesn't want to talk or open up. So the next time I say "My boyfriend is a firefighter", I will say it with a smile, but don't think it's because I think it's the coolest thing in the world or because I get all the cute little "firefighter's girlfriend" stuff, it's because at the end of the day we will be stronger than ever because we have a bond. We have a bond that will hold us together until the ends of time if we let it, because he has shared with me, I have listened and I still don't treat him differently. He is a person. He's much more than a firefighter and much more than PTSD.

Pre-Opt to Change

As some of you may know, I've been working on a post about body image and how if effects us. After typing it all up, finally, I realized just how long it was.

I could've shortened it, I could've taken away from what people had to say and from their stories, but it didn't seem right. I wanted the post to be raw.

It's something that's so close to me. I'm the one that's always smiling, always laugh, and always just trying to have the best of time. (Even though I like to stay at home most days.) However, I'm the girl to put on pounds of make-up, to spend hours trying to look good and still hating what I look like in the end. I wear high waist-ed clothing to hide my stomach. I use crazy angles for selfies. I hate meeting new people.  I hate talking on the phone. I hate a lot of things, but I wonder if I asked people who know me, who  are around me, or who have spent any amount of time with me knows how much I hate.

I try my best to smile. I try my best to laugh. However, we all have our issues. So, I will be having a series of four blog post, five if you count this one. It will be a deeper look into body image and the struggles that follow. It will tell eight different stories and I just hope someone can take something away from it. We will look at when these stories first started, the journey through the stories and a small where are they now. When I say small, that's a joke. It will be a lot of reading. It will pull at your heart strings and it will hopefully have meaning. I know reading these over and over has given me a lot to think about it and opened my eyes to a lot.
It goes back to one of the post I had a few posts back about how you're not alone. These wonderful people and their stories have made my realize that I'm not alone. I can relate to so much of what was said and I hope you can as well.

Over all, I hope someone reading looks at it, looks at the stories and can find at least one thing they can take away at least one thing.

I started this blog to track my progress. The DCP, derby....life and where I was going. Then I hit a wall. I often think about the past; the past being something I wish I would stop thinking of. I can't stop wondering how different life would be if the smallest of things were to have changed.

If I didn't sprain my ankle, I would've already taken my skills test and who knows...I might even be able to play derby. If I would've taken the DCP I would be going down there right now and enjoying my, seemingly, dream job. I wouldn't be applying for new jobs, stressing over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Stressing. Part of me seems like that's all I've been doing lately.

When I started this blog, I wasn't stressing. I was in a pretty good place and I had big things planned out in my mind. That just goes to show where life can take you.

In order to get over some of this stress, I have to face the past. I have to face the past...have to.

I've already made a post about how depressed I once was...I was in a dark place for a while, blaming just about everyone else for my problems. It's easy to do. It's normal to do. It's called being a teenager.

However, being me, I had to take it to the next level. There was a few months where I didn't know where I was going. Just about fell in to the wrong crowd was step number one. I didn't really eat, something I still struggle with often, and I started doing self-harm. I recall just out of my little group of friends, about half us did self harm. It took me a while to admit it, even if others around me was willing to admit their problem. I'm happy to say it never became more than a couple of times of me being to hard on myself.

I remember that one time I told my mother that this was all happening and she just looked at me and said "it's okay." I was hurt. It didn't seem like she cared and it threw me. It made me realize at that point I was only trying to get some attention. I was being selfish and childish and I needed to grow up.

Being bullied through most of middle school is part of my issues as well. Because of that, I wanted everyone to like me. Feeling like if everyone liked me then life would be easier, I wouldn't get hurt so much..blah blah blah. I didn't understand back then that I didn't need to change, I like who I am.

Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I over think things. I like to plan things, I have a hard time relaxing and just going with the flow. It's been something I've been working on. People are always changing, growing and learning. Until then, I'm just trying to go through life being the happiest I can be.

Now, I realize most of my post lately have been down and mostly just annoying, to be honest. I'm working on a big post about body images, uses, and stories that people have been willing to share with me. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm working on spending time on me, spending time with my friends, and enjoying life as things come. It's hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for others as well.

I guess with these posts, I can only hope that someone reads it and realizes that they're not the only one that feels this way. They're not alone. They're not annoying people. They're not some thing that should be pushed aside. No one who truly cares about you will push you aside. They will be there for you even if they don't text back in the same day, if they don't see you every day...they care and they will be there when it counts most. Calm down. Deep breath. It gets better. It's not even as bad as you think. Tough words. Tougher to take in. Even tougher to believe.

I read this article on Buzzfeed that pretty much sums up what you're going through if you feel this way about anything: http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/hello-anxiety-my-old-friend?bffbhealth&utm_term=4ldqpkl#.qpE644drv

Soon my post will be filled with happy thoughts and the best of times. With good times; however, come the bad. In posting with this blog I like to truly capture everything that goes through my mind. There is no point in acting like I'm perfect or like my life is perfect. It's not. It's an inner struggle most days to get out of bed. However, I smile, I put happy thoughts into my mind, and I realize that my life truly isn't a bad as I think it is. It isn't perfect, but perfect is boring.