Part Four: Is The End The Beginning?

           This series started saying to never change who you are. Do you still feel that way? Was Shakespeare true in saying "to thine own self be true"? Perhaps. It just depends on where we're at in life. Depends on how we feel. Never change you. I feel like when someone says never change they mean the person you are, at least the person they think you are. No one sees the demons within. When I look at someone and I see a smile on their face, I always try to think about why they're so happy...why they're smiling or if it's even real or not. I try to smile through just about everything. Smiling and smiling just hoping it would one day turn into a real smile and it did. I worked hard to make myself happy, to let go, to let all the anger I held in just out. Talking to people, writing a blog, writing songs and poems, getting everything out has helped. It was hard and scary and it sucked. 
  

Person A: "You're never going to be completely happy with what you look like. You'll always wish x,y, and z were different (and those variables change!). Even with the luxury of being pregnant and not having to worry about how my clothes fit, I still find myself worrying about what other people think about my body, and I hate it.

No one is 100% in love with who they are and how they look. No one. So we (as a culture) need to stop beating ourselves up because we don't have as much confidence as ______. So we need to learn to like ourselves. NOT become overly confident and boisterous and brag... but just learn to appreciate the good qualities we do posses. Those insecurities are never going to go away, because those characteristics we're insecure about are probably never going to change.
In middle school (and even high school) people used to squawk (like a parrot) and cackle at me like the Wicked Witch from Wizard of Oz, because of my nose. Sure, I could drop a pretty penny go to and get it "fixed," but what would I accomplish? I'd be doing exactly what those bullies would want me to do; I'd be letting them win. Some girls are just born thicker and broader. We can't get hung up on the ideal body image, because even those girls don't have that look going for them. Just find things you like about yourself (write them down!), and focus on exaggerating them! Just like we as girls don't want to date or marry a "project," guys don't either. It's fine to have insecurities, but DON'T let them inhibit you from becoming self-sufficient, and LIVING."

Person B: "Right now, I’m still in the depression mode. Weighing 230 pounds takes a toll on a person. Once I work my way to 199. Then I will realize I am an amazing person, and if I can lose 30 pounds then I can do anything. And then love myself. Hopefully. I always think if I was skinny how my life would be. I'd be sleeping around with guys. Smoking weed with my friends. Become what both my parents were. So I am grateful I’m over weight because I grew out of the stoner life like my parents and a close friend and trying to do something with my life. Even with a few extra pounds."

Person C: "I'm at a standpoint of I will eat whatever I want, to a "it's time to be healthy and fit and meet my body goals....so I'm in the process of change."

Person D: "Not gonna lie there are days that I just don't even want to leave the house cause I feel like a giant ugly ogre. Sometime the clothes just don't look right and I feel like crud. I sink back to those feelings. It will happen, it happens to all of us. But you have to tell yourself that this feeling is only TEMPORARY. It will pass, and then you'll feel better. You'll rock those skinny jeans and won't even care to cover up you're acne. When you feel great, you tend look great. It really doesn't matter about how others see you, it's how you see you. Once you focus on that, and are able to love that, then you'll feel accomplished. You'll feel comfortable in your own skin. You'll be able to dust off people's comments like nothing and you'll finally be able to GLOW."

Person E: "I had a seriously sprained ankle in high school. The day after it happened, I asked my mom if she could get my stuff from the car. I had a lot of stuff and couldn't get it on crutches. She said that maybe if I got it I could work off my love handles and then refused to help me. My little brother ended up carrying my stuff in with me. I was so shocked that the hurt didn't sink in for a while. My mom still makes off handed comments sometimes but less than she use to." 

Person F: "I wanted nothing more than to be liked and fit in as a kid. I would make friends and either they would start disliking me, or others pressured them into disliking me. I was too nice and an easy target. There was something about me that stood out and I never really understood it.

At home I was the younger sister and tom boy. I only wore hand me downs and was never asked for much. My parents thought of me as the one they didn't need to worry about.
I ate my feelings, I had consistent nightmares, I was teased constantly, but I kept it to myself.
Actually I never listened to rumors and I think I'm better for it. I was friends with the kids that were held back for "immaturity" in elementary, the kid who picked his nose, the new kids, the weird ones, the smelly ones, the peepers, the quiet, honestly anyone who stood out. I value identity, and even if they didn't try, they were the weird kids to everyone else, and that says to me they knew who they were and didn't know how to pretend to be someone else.
Ok ok, for real, body image. The biggest turning point was when I was given the opportunity to start over when my family moved. I eventually became friends with the popular and somewhat popular kids. I went from being the lowest peg on the social latter, to clutching at the top. It was when one of the girls "joked" that the biggest kid in class was going to eat her, I knew I didn't want that. The year prior, before I hit a growth spurt, the same was said to me. It wasn't a great feeling being told you're so fat you could eat another person. I couldn't be part of that. I spent the rest of middle and high school in the same position as before. No one really knew me, but they liked me enough to talk to me occasionally. I was often the backup friend, but I deviated again.

Through my life I have learned that being happy with yourself, is accepting the weird ugly meat bag we're all wearing. It has nothing to do with who we are. Gender, size, shape, none of it should matter. We have limited control in our meatsack, we should all embrace and love it. for all of its imperfections.
Now I just need more meatsacks who embrace me. That weird girl on mean girls is kind of an intense version of me. I want to have a love cloud that protects all the people I care about so they are free from judgement and can learn to love their meatsack as much as I love them, for just being them.
I could write tons more, but I realize most of my discussion of bodies is a disinterest in the physical aspect of who people are."

Person G: "I am now in a better place. I had a kid and realize my body will never be the same but that is ok. I gave birth to a beautiful tiny human. I have my good days and bad days. But the good are out waying the bad. I have a husband who loves me no matter what and tells me I look beautiful daily." 

Person H: "Just that I think that being able to strip down all that bullshit and insecurity got me to a place where I feel really comfortable with who I am. It took a lot of work. I'm also lucky to have a husband that looks at me as an equal and who respects my body. He's not weirded out by it. He doesn't say something snippy if I don't shave my legs for awhile (no political agenda here, usually just lazy). He's still attracted to me and is comfortable. I don't think I'd be able to be involved with someone who struggled to accept me. I'm not cookie cutter. And he's totally fine with that." 

Person I: “I do think (and however sad this may sound) the best motivation, at least that I have discovered is when someone notices you, a man, a woman, whoever it may be – when they seem to have that desire. It makes you want to try harder. I love my boyfriend, I want to marry him, I don’t want anyone else besides him. But, that notice, is what can keep you motivated – even with no intention of giving into the desire.”

So, what have we learned? If you're still with me, thank you. I was going to shorten the stories, but I felt like it took away from everything. There's a common theme of people feeling so down about themselves and people telling them that they were right. Some of them found peace, found at least one person who helped them, some just count on themselves. I can't wrap my head around why people are so rude...not just to strangers. It's easy to be rude or mean to someone you don't know, you don't have that connect to even begin to feel bad for, right? What about people you know? What about people who are suppose to love you and be there for you? What happens when they're rude to you? Do you think about what you say? How easily it could break someone? Smile at someone. Some random person on the street. Give a homeless person a water bottle. Listen to someone. Listen to their stories. Listen to their life. People are screaming their stories at you; all you have to do is listen. Perhaps if we start listening, we will learn about them. Perhaps if we start sharing our stories we can start relaxing, opening up, living a new life, getting happier and realize that looks don't matter as much as we think.

Part three: Trying Or Just Pretending.

 I can't pretend things are okay when they're not. I can hold my head up and push through and one day it will be okay. Until then, everyone needs a day to just cry. What about after that though? What can we do to pull ourselves out of that? 

Person A:  "I've actually tried believing what my husband says.I don't vocalize any insecurities I may have. I don't put myself down, and I don't make sarcastic remarks about myself. I originally started doing it because of the way it affected my husband. Whenever I'd "correct" him and say "No I don't," or "You're just saying that because...", I wouldn't always notice it, but it DID affect him. Here he was, lovingly telling me something he likes about my physicality, and I was telling him he was wrong. I wasn't validating his feelings. I'm not saying I was being "ungrateful," but after I while, I could tell that it legitimately made him sad. He loves me, and is verbalizing said love, and I would dismiss it. How sad are we when we try to comfort someone, honestly and earnestly, and they openly deny said comfort? I was openly throwing his affirming words, telling me things I wished someone would tell me my whole life, back in his face, because I was too insecure to even TRY to believe him.

Simply saying "thank you" has changed everything."

Person B: "I am a very depressed person. I’m not going to lie. I hate myself for eating poorly. I hate myself for being diagnosis with PCOS. I hate myself for being afraid to love myself for who I am and what I look like. I now hear my friends say I’m beautiful. Of course my family would say that even though I know I’m the ugliest out of all my cousins. Yeah I may have a pretty face but that doesn't help my hatred of my body. Going from a size 13 to 18 in one year was really bad. Then finally being diagnosis with PCOS after not knowing what was wrong with me. I never ate that much growing up. I never ate candy. But I still blame myself for the weight gain. I feel like someone would love me if I was skinny. I'd get guys falling for me. Get leads in plays for being skinny. No one loves the fat girl. They always think I’m big because I eat. Not necessarily. But then my anxiety triggers my depression. Which triggers my thoughts on why i hate myself. I hate myself because I’m fat. I’m trying my hardest to fix it. I go to the gym. I take the right medication now. I’m slowly trying to stop drinking pop. I’m trying to love myself as every other human does."

Person C: "Overeat....cry....get mad...crave fruits and veggies....not much good to be honest."

Person D: "There was this exercise in my psychology class. Every single day we had to look in the mirror and say "I love you." At first, it felt like a waste of breath but over time, it worked. Now I can happily say that I loved myself again. The support of my family and friends helped a ton. Slowly I am repairing myself from the years of self-hatred and I can go into a dressing room now and look in the mirror and say "Wow, I look awesome." Just this past year I purchased two pairs of booty shorts. My legs and butt are the parts I'm most self-conscious about. It was a statement for me, a stepping stone, a big leap. And it felt great."

Person E: "I work out and try to eat right. I tell myself I need to be healthy and being healthy is really what matters. Roller derby and being surrounded by incredible supportive people helps too.

Eating is something I've always struggled with though and I fall back into old hanks of not eating, continuing to feel bad about myself, and then gorging on everything. I usually just end up feeling sick though and then try to get back on course with eating regularly and as healthy add possible."

Person F: "My exterior is imperfect and many things have helped. I think I came to terms with what I was given. I will never be a small woman, but I like that now. There were small things, like a website I found that showed real women's breasts in a nonsexual manor, and that helped immensely. I used to think there was something wrong with them because they weren't perfect and airbrushed. They are real and mine.

I have always hated having big feet, but it means heels are more comfortable; I hated my height, but I like being able to see over stuff; I hated my legs, but even if they don't fit pants right, dresses and skirts are great for that; I have a big head, but it motivated me to make my own hats.
Really I have always loved me in spite of everyone else's input. The most difficult thing to do was tune out all of the negatives. Embracing others faults was a huge step towards excepting their ignorance and judgment. I may dress a bit differently, but it's not to appease others, but myself. Actually I always dressed for me, I just try a little harder to match now."

Person G: "It has taken years and I am still struggling with it. I am finding confidence now that I am in my 30s but still lots of work to be done on the inside to be ok with the outside."

 

Person H: "Therapy helped me get to a place where I didn't internalize blame. Blame for my pain and how I felt unreliable. It also taught me that I could ignore the voice of my mother, telling me how to look and feel.

Now I dress how I like. I'd say the genderfluidity has always been there, though I didn't have a name for it. I just liked some parts of men's clothing and liked how I look in it. I wasn't masculine or femme. I was me. I think that mindset really came into being when I started taking birth control pills that eliminated my period. I forget sometimes that periods even exist. It's AWESOME! I think that was the last time I really thought of myself like a lady, per say, and not just like me. That last thing that made me truly female in my mind. I want to note that I don't really see myself as having a disconnect between my physical body and my gender or anything like that. I'm me. I dunno. I'm sure if I talked to a doctor there's a specific term for that."

Person I: “Eating. I love it. So much. But again every day is different. If you ask my friends, I can eat like a horse – just keep piling food in, never seeming to get full. If you ask my boyfriend, he may agree – but he knows a darker side. He would tell you that I rarely eat, I only eat in front of people, that I only eat tiny amounts of food in private (unless it is a video game marathon where I can’t get enough junk food). I do not eat any fast food. I haven’t since December of 2013. Just something I believe is super unhealthy for you. Don’t get me wrong if a friend bought some micky d’s I sure as hell am going to have a French fry – but no more than 3.

 I think the 100lb mark is scary. While that may seem crazy, it is the truth. I don’t want to be over 100lb. I have stretch marks on several different parts on my body, with new ones popping up almost monthly. This is where every day is different. I look in the mirror, I can see sag, I can see stretch marks, I can see my rib cage, I can see my hip bones, I can see an hourglass, I can see someone who looks sick. This is what I see most days – not what I should be seeing, a confident young woman. But don’t get me wrong, I do have those days too. They are just few and far between. I can feel beautiful, take a selfie then two weeks later look and say “what the hell were you thinking” You look terrible, look at the bags under your eyes, the cellulite on your thigh.

I have never truly shared my feelings, now and then I have a really bad day that can end in tears and I simply tell my boyfriend I am just having a difficult day. They always pass. My issues do not make me want to intentionally hurt myself, or make me angry, or resentful. I am me; I do what I can to make myself better every day- put on that eyeliner at work, if that is what I need that day to feel beautiful. I don’t like when any one comments on my weight. I think it is rude. The one I get most often is “how do you stay so thin” I don’t look back and say “Well, how did you get so fat?” That would be mean. I take it the same way. What if I was having a bad day, what if that morning I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I looked like a malnourished holocaust victim? How would that make them feel if I told them that? I wish people understood that I have just as many issues as other people.”

Try believing, surround yourself with amazing people, eat better, eating at all, take care of yourself more, say fuck the world?

For The Love of The Game

*If you don't know some of these terms for roller derby, all you have to do is read some of my older post and it will all be explained in there.*

Part of me missing roller derby. There. I said it. It's been two weeks and I already feel so out of the loop. My wave (remember what a wave is guys?!) is taking their skills tests. Whoever passes will be able to fully play derby in full beast mode. Of course, people won't pass, and that will be cool, too. Its' really hard. It's seriously hours of hard core skating, showing off everything you just spent the last 18 weeks working on. They should be beyond proud of themselves. BEYOND. Anyone who is willing to join a contact sport, trains for 18 weeks, then puts it all on the line....awesome. Words can't describe how great it is to be have been able to watch everyone.

Then I think about if I want to get back up on skates. I've had far to much time to think about it and freak myself out of skating again. I need my new brace, as I keep saying, but bills bills bills. Let me tell you how great it is to be an adult.

I'm not sure how some people do it. I look at my sister. She works....holy poop does she work. She also has a six year old, a husband, pets, and she plays derby. I have no idea how she does it. I tell her that, too. Like seriously though. I don't understand people that can work, go to school, have a life...blah blah blah. It makes me feel so lazy inside!!!
However, through everything my sister broke her leg, was off skates for months and still found ways to go to practice and get back on skates and kick derby's butt.
There are many girls who break things and get back on skates and they are some people who never get hurt at all, just like any sport.

However, with that being the case...I wish I would get out of my head. I love NSOing, I feel like I'm good at it and I'm truly learning the game, which is awesome! Those knee taps though...they're holding me back from skating. I'm so scared I'll come down and never get back up. I'm scared that I'll roll my ankle again and this time it'll be even worse. After all, my ankle still bothers me. Poop.


Anyone else feel this way about things? I mean, it's just a love/hate relationship, but there's something about it. I know I shouldn't let fear stop me from doing something I want to, but then I love to NSO and that way I can still be around it, without having to actually skate.
I'm a baby.

Back to the start of this whole thing. Watching my wave come to an end it's almost surreal. I can't believe it's been 18 weeks and these people have come so far with skating and their skills. It's mind blowing and amazing. I'm just happy to be apart of the overall picture.

Things just kinda happen

With events from this past week I've been thinking about everything from the past. The worst part is that Miley Cyrus has been stuck in my head. "I Miss You", I should say. I'm not sure why that songs still out, well I do, but it's something I'd rather not talk about.

Good things this week though, I've been closer to people who I have missed, or who I have wanted to get to know better. I'm very excited about that. I decided to take back my life and for everything that stresses me out, I've been kicking back with something that has been making me happy.

Yesterday it was shopping and my good friend I hadn't seen in a while, the day before that it was a Grumpy Cat coffee, my cat, things I like about myself, today it was the sun, my lunch, eating lunch with another one of my good friends. Truly focusing on the small things that will be the best things about my day.

One of the biggest things that made me happy was that I got two shirts that were a size SMALL! (Then it made me laugh because at the same store, I got a shirt that was a large...seriously, what is wrong with women's sizing?!)

Malice front of things, I still haven't heard back about being able to use "Malice in Wonderland". I have found out I'm terrible at waiting for things. Patience isn't a bad thing, embrace it. <---sounds words of advice for life in general.

One of my friends quoted something off my blog and it made me stop and think. It was a really good quote and I was proud of myself that it came from my mind. Like seriously, mind blown moment.
I'm determined to write a huge long post about everything that's been going on, but for now I'll leave you all with a little story of my life.

When my mom got sick for the second time, I went into a shell. I stopped eating and just went through the motions of life without really living. It is something I regret, but here's how I'm feeling now about it all. I can admit that I stopped eating. I can admit I had a problem. I can admit that I feel better now and that, although some days I don't eat much, I am eating. I'm healthier, I want to be healthier. My step-father and I were talking about my eating habits (he brings up how little I eat almost all the time) and he just said "you were quite angry there for a while." It was such a simple statement, but the words ran so deep within me. I was angry, I was beyond angry! The one thing I could control, eating and the boys I dated. It's weird looking back at it. I had to be dating someone or I would go insane. I just needed someone to be there to tell me it was all going to be okay. It took some time before I realized I was the one needing to tell myself it would be okay. I pulled myself out of my funk. Now, I will admit I rush into relationship, for the excitement of someone else's attention. It isn't always the best thing, but it's me. I can slow down, but the adventure awaits to far to exciting. People say I'm young, I have time, it's true. People also say my mom is young...so young. She is young and yet, she can't do things I get to do every day. I get up out of bed, I shower, I dress myself, I go to the bathroom by myself. These things are things people don't think about, but I do. So when an adventure comes knocking it's something I jump at.
It doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking. I am. It's just that young for some people ends with high school. It ends when you can finally say "I'll be okay" to yourself and you mean it. It ends when you start eating. It ends when you start loving yourself and living in the moment.
If that makes me crazy, so be it. If that means I move a little to fast or even to slow sometimes, so be it. I'm just being me.
We all have things going on. We all have hard times, good times, and all times in between. Everyone handles things differently. The only thing you can do is know that one day you'll be able to say "I'm okay." It won't fix things, you'll still be broken and it'll be a fight every day, but it'll be okay. You're not alone. You'll never be alone. Find the same things that make you happy through out the day and then one day, before you know it, you'll just be....okay. Sometimes okay is simply perfect.