To That Person

To that person,
Thank you. Thank you for wanting to just make some quick cash. Thank you for thinking that was okay. Thank you for taking my life. Thank you for getting my hard earned money and things. I hope you enjoyed that. I hope you think you're funny. I hope you think you're a badass. If all you wanted was a few bucks I would've given them to you willingly. I would have rather just gave you money. Instead you took so much more. You took everything. You took the sense of feeling safe. You took more time and money than you will ever know. So yes, I do hope that you think you are amazing and awesome...I hope that because one day you will crash. You will realize how low you are. You will be alone, in the ground, six feet under and I will be here, picking up the pieces and moving on and going on knowing I will always be a better person than you.

A Different Out Look

Changing. I just read and wrote a huge post about changing. It's something that can be good or bad, just depends on what kind of change we're talking about.
I just want to focus on the good change.
The change within me, the one that will make me happy and make me the person who I want to be.

I don't think that's bad.
Surrounding myself by the best people I can. Relax. Enjoy life.

I think I will do that.

List of happiness:
1. Stratford yesterday.
2. Slightly sleeping in.
3. Making my own breakfast.
4. Bill.
5. Bill cuddling with me.
6. Friends who want to be around me.
7. Little Nicky.
8. Cran-grape juice.
9. This blog.
10. Having my own business (even if it has been slacking).

Part Four: Is The End The Beginning?

           This series started saying to never change who you are. Do you still feel that way? Was Shakespeare true in saying "to thine own self be true"? Perhaps. It just depends on where we're at in life. Depends on how we feel. Never change you. I feel like when someone says never change they mean the person you are, at least the person they think you are. No one sees the demons within. When I look at someone and I see a smile on their face, I always try to think about why they're so happy...why they're smiling or if it's even real or not. I try to smile through just about everything. Smiling and smiling just hoping it would one day turn into a real smile and it did. I worked hard to make myself happy, to let go, to let all the anger I held in just out. Talking to people, writing a blog, writing songs and poems, getting everything out has helped. It was hard and scary and it sucked. 
  

Person A: "You're never going to be completely happy with what you look like. You'll always wish x,y, and z were different (and those variables change!). Even with the luxury of being pregnant and not having to worry about how my clothes fit, I still find myself worrying about what other people think about my body, and I hate it.

No one is 100% in love with who they are and how they look. No one. So we (as a culture) need to stop beating ourselves up because we don't have as much confidence as ______. So we need to learn to like ourselves. NOT become overly confident and boisterous and brag... but just learn to appreciate the good qualities we do posses. Those insecurities are never going to go away, because those characteristics we're insecure about are probably never going to change.
In middle school (and even high school) people used to squawk (like a parrot) and cackle at me like the Wicked Witch from Wizard of Oz, because of my nose. Sure, I could drop a pretty penny go to and get it "fixed," but what would I accomplish? I'd be doing exactly what those bullies would want me to do; I'd be letting them win. Some girls are just born thicker and broader. We can't get hung up on the ideal body image, because even those girls don't have that look going for them. Just find things you like about yourself (write them down!), and focus on exaggerating them! Just like we as girls don't want to date or marry a "project," guys don't either. It's fine to have insecurities, but DON'T let them inhibit you from becoming self-sufficient, and LIVING."

Person B: "Right now, I’m still in the depression mode. Weighing 230 pounds takes a toll on a person. Once I work my way to 199. Then I will realize I am an amazing person, and if I can lose 30 pounds then I can do anything. And then love myself. Hopefully. I always think if I was skinny how my life would be. I'd be sleeping around with guys. Smoking weed with my friends. Become what both my parents were. So I am grateful I’m over weight because I grew out of the stoner life like my parents and a close friend and trying to do something with my life. Even with a few extra pounds."

Person C: "I'm at a standpoint of I will eat whatever I want, to a "it's time to be healthy and fit and meet my body goals....so I'm in the process of change."

Person D: "Not gonna lie there are days that I just don't even want to leave the house cause I feel like a giant ugly ogre. Sometime the clothes just don't look right and I feel like crud. I sink back to those feelings. It will happen, it happens to all of us. But you have to tell yourself that this feeling is only TEMPORARY. It will pass, and then you'll feel better. You'll rock those skinny jeans and won't even care to cover up you're acne. When you feel great, you tend look great. It really doesn't matter about how others see you, it's how you see you. Once you focus on that, and are able to love that, then you'll feel accomplished. You'll feel comfortable in your own skin. You'll be able to dust off people's comments like nothing and you'll finally be able to GLOW."

Person E: "I had a seriously sprained ankle in high school. The day after it happened, I asked my mom if she could get my stuff from the car. I had a lot of stuff and couldn't get it on crutches. She said that maybe if I got it I could work off my love handles and then refused to help me. My little brother ended up carrying my stuff in with me. I was so shocked that the hurt didn't sink in for a while. My mom still makes off handed comments sometimes but less than she use to." 

Person F: "I wanted nothing more than to be liked and fit in as a kid. I would make friends and either they would start disliking me, or others pressured them into disliking me. I was too nice and an easy target. There was something about me that stood out and I never really understood it.

At home I was the younger sister and tom boy. I only wore hand me downs and was never asked for much. My parents thought of me as the one they didn't need to worry about.
I ate my feelings, I had consistent nightmares, I was teased constantly, but I kept it to myself.
Actually I never listened to rumors and I think I'm better for it. I was friends with the kids that were held back for "immaturity" in elementary, the kid who picked his nose, the new kids, the weird ones, the smelly ones, the peepers, the quiet, honestly anyone who stood out. I value identity, and even if they didn't try, they were the weird kids to everyone else, and that says to me they knew who they were and didn't know how to pretend to be someone else.
Ok ok, for real, body image. The biggest turning point was when I was given the opportunity to start over when my family moved. I eventually became friends with the popular and somewhat popular kids. I went from being the lowest peg on the social latter, to clutching at the top. It was when one of the girls "joked" that the biggest kid in class was going to eat her, I knew I didn't want that. The year prior, before I hit a growth spurt, the same was said to me. It wasn't a great feeling being told you're so fat you could eat another person. I couldn't be part of that. I spent the rest of middle and high school in the same position as before. No one really knew me, but they liked me enough to talk to me occasionally. I was often the backup friend, but I deviated again.

Through my life I have learned that being happy with yourself, is accepting the weird ugly meat bag we're all wearing. It has nothing to do with who we are. Gender, size, shape, none of it should matter. We have limited control in our meatsack, we should all embrace and love it. for all of its imperfections.
Now I just need more meatsacks who embrace me. That weird girl on mean girls is kind of an intense version of me. I want to have a love cloud that protects all the people I care about so they are free from judgement and can learn to love their meatsack as much as I love them, for just being them.
I could write tons more, but I realize most of my discussion of bodies is a disinterest in the physical aspect of who people are."

Person G: "I am now in a better place. I had a kid and realize my body will never be the same but that is ok. I gave birth to a beautiful tiny human. I have my good days and bad days. But the good are out waying the bad. I have a husband who loves me no matter what and tells me I look beautiful daily." 

Person H: "Just that I think that being able to strip down all that bullshit and insecurity got me to a place where I feel really comfortable with who I am. It took a lot of work. I'm also lucky to have a husband that looks at me as an equal and who respects my body. He's not weirded out by it. He doesn't say something snippy if I don't shave my legs for awhile (no political agenda here, usually just lazy). He's still attracted to me and is comfortable. I don't think I'd be able to be involved with someone who struggled to accept me. I'm not cookie cutter. And he's totally fine with that." 

Person I: “I do think (and however sad this may sound) the best motivation, at least that I have discovered is when someone notices you, a man, a woman, whoever it may be – when they seem to have that desire. It makes you want to try harder. I love my boyfriend, I want to marry him, I don’t want anyone else besides him. But, that notice, is what can keep you motivated – even with no intention of giving into the desire.”

So, what have we learned? If you're still with me, thank you. I was going to shorten the stories, but I felt like it took away from everything. There's a common theme of people feeling so down about themselves and people telling them that they were right. Some of them found peace, found at least one person who helped them, some just count on themselves. I can't wrap my head around why people are so rude...not just to strangers. It's easy to be rude or mean to someone you don't know, you don't have that connect to even begin to feel bad for, right? What about people you know? What about people who are suppose to love you and be there for you? What happens when they're rude to you? Do you think about what you say? How easily it could break someone? Smile at someone. Some random person on the street. Give a homeless person a water bottle. Listen to someone. Listen to their stories. Listen to their life. People are screaming their stories at you; all you have to do is listen. Perhaps if we start listening, we will learn about them. Perhaps if we start sharing our stories we can start relaxing, opening up, living a new life, getting happier and realize that looks don't matter as much as we think.

Part three: Trying Or Just Pretending.

 I can't pretend things are okay when they're not. I can hold my head up and push through and one day it will be okay. Until then, everyone needs a day to just cry. What about after that though? What can we do to pull ourselves out of that? 

Person A:  "I've actually tried believing what my husband says.I don't vocalize any insecurities I may have. I don't put myself down, and I don't make sarcastic remarks about myself. I originally started doing it because of the way it affected my husband. Whenever I'd "correct" him and say "No I don't," or "You're just saying that because...", I wouldn't always notice it, but it DID affect him. Here he was, lovingly telling me something he likes about my physicality, and I was telling him he was wrong. I wasn't validating his feelings. I'm not saying I was being "ungrateful," but after I while, I could tell that it legitimately made him sad. He loves me, and is verbalizing said love, and I would dismiss it. How sad are we when we try to comfort someone, honestly and earnestly, and they openly deny said comfort? I was openly throwing his affirming words, telling me things I wished someone would tell me my whole life, back in his face, because I was too insecure to even TRY to believe him.

Simply saying "thank you" has changed everything."

Person B: "I am a very depressed person. I’m not going to lie. I hate myself for eating poorly. I hate myself for being diagnosis with PCOS. I hate myself for being afraid to love myself for who I am and what I look like. I now hear my friends say I’m beautiful. Of course my family would say that even though I know I’m the ugliest out of all my cousins. Yeah I may have a pretty face but that doesn't help my hatred of my body. Going from a size 13 to 18 in one year was really bad. Then finally being diagnosis with PCOS after not knowing what was wrong with me. I never ate that much growing up. I never ate candy. But I still blame myself for the weight gain. I feel like someone would love me if I was skinny. I'd get guys falling for me. Get leads in plays for being skinny. No one loves the fat girl. They always think I’m big because I eat. Not necessarily. But then my anxiety triggers my depression. Which triggers my thoughts on why i hate myself. I hate myself because I’m fat. I’m trying my hardest to fix it. I go to the gym. I take the right medication now. I’m slowly trying to stop drinking pop. I’m trying to love myself as every other human does."

Person C: "Overeat....cry....get mad...crave fruits and veggies....not much good to be honest."

Person D: "There was this exercise in my psychology class. Every single day we had to look in the mirror and say "I love you." At first, it felt like a waste of breath but over time, it worked. Now I can happily say that I loved myself again. The support of my family and friends helped a ton. Slowly I am repairing myself from the years of self-hatred and I can go into a dressing room now and look in the mirror and say "Wow, I look awesome." Just this past year I purchased two pairs of booty shorts. My legs and butt are the parts I'm most self-conscious about. It was a statement for me, a stepping stone, a big leap. And it felt great."

Person E: "I work out and try to eat right. I tell myself I need to be healthy and being healthy is really what matters. Roller derby and being surrounded by incredible supportive people helps too.

Eating is something I've always struggled with though and I fall back into old hanks of not eating, continuing to feel bad about myself, and then gorging on everything. I usually just end up feeling sick though and then try to get back on course with eating regularly and as healthy add possible."

Person F: "My exterior is imperfect and many things have helped. I think I came to terms with what I was given. I will never be a small woman, but I like that now. There were small things, like a website I found that showed real women's breasts in a nonsexual manor, and that helped immensely. I used to think there was something wrong with them because they weren't perfect and airbrushed. They are real and mine.

I have always hated having big feet, but it means heels are more comfortable; I hated my height, but I like being able to see over stuff; I hated my legs, but even if they don't fit pants right, dresses and skirts are great for that; I have a big head, but it motivated me to make my own hats.
Really I have always loved me in spite of everyone else's input. The most difficult thing to do was tune out all of the negatives. Embracing others faults was a huge step towards excepting their ignorance and judgment. I may dress a bit differently, but it's not to appease others, but myself. Actually I always dressed for me, I just try a little harder to match now."

Person G: "It has taken years and I am still struggling with it. I am finding confidence now that I am in my 30s but still lots of work to be done on the inside to be ok with the outside."

 

Person H: "Therapy helped me get to a place where I didn't internalize blame. Blame for my pain and how I felt unreliable. It also taught me that I could ignore the voice of my mother, telling me how to look and feel.

Now I dress how I like. I'd say the genderfluidity has always been there, though I didn't have a name for it. I just liked some parts of men's clothing and liked how I look in it. I wasn't masculine or femme. I was me. I think that mindset really came into being when I started taking birth control pills that eliminated my period. I forget sometimes that periods even exist. It's AWESOME! I think that was the last time I really thought of myself like a lady, per say, and not just like me. That last thing that made me truly female in my mind. I want to note that I don't really see myself as having a disconnect between my physical body and my gender or anything like that. I'm me. I dunno. I'm sure if I talked to a doctor there's a specific term for that."

Person I: “Eating. I love it. So much. But again every day is different. If you ask my friends, I can eat like a horse – just keep piling food in, never seeming to get full. If you ask my boyfriend, he may agree – but he knows a darker side. He would tell you that I rarely eat, I only eat in front of people, that I only eat tiny amounts of food in private (unless it is a video game marathon where I can’t get enough junk food). I do not eat any fast food. I haven’t since December of 2013. Just something I believe is super unhealthy for you. Don’t get me wrong if a friend bought some micky d’s I sure as hell am going to have a French fry – but no more than 3.

 I think the 100lb mark is scary. While that may seem crazy, it is the truth. I don’t want to be over 100lb. I have stretch marks on several different parts on my body, with new ones popping up almost monthly. This is where every day is different. I look in the mirror, I can see sag, I can see stretch marks, I can see my rib cage, I can see my hip bones, I can see an hourglass, I can see someone who looks sick. This is what I see most days – not what I should be seeing, a confident young woman. But don’t get me wrong, I do have those days too. They are just few and far between. I can feel beautiful, take a selfie then two weeks later look and say “what the hell were you thinking” You look terrible, look at the bags under your eyes, the cellulite on your thigh.

I have never truly shared my feelings, now and then I have a really bad day that can end in tears and I simply tell my boyfriend I am just having a difficult day. They always pass. My issues do not make me want to intentionally hurt myself, or make me angry, or resentful. I am me; I do what I can to make myself better every day- put on that eyeliner at work, if that is what I need that day to feel beautiful. I don’t like when any one comments on my weight. I think it is rude. The one I get most often is “how do you stay so thin” I don’t look back and say “Well, how did you get so fat?” That would be mean. I take it the same way. What if I was having a bad day, what if that morning I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I looked like a malnourished holocaust victim? How would that make them feel if I told them that? I wish people understood that I have just as many issues as other people.”

Try believing, surround yourself with amazing people, eat better, eating at all, take care of yourself more, say fuck the world?

Part Two: Just Talk It Out

"Some people without brains do an awful amount of talking"

-Scarecrow

Another thing I noticed, and that's true to myself, is that it's the people you care about that makes you realize things. That or, it's a least people you're around often and around enough to realize that they are making you see yourself differently, which isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes those people can be the ones you talk things out with. I've posted about telling my mom the bad things I was doing to myself and I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. I was wondering if this is common. Whenever I talk about how much I hate this part of me or that, I always get the same response..."shut up, you look great!" I'm guilty of telling people this myself I'm sure we all are. Buy why? If you're feeling terrible about something do you tell someone? Have you tried? Have you wanted to? What did you do to make yourself feel better? What can you do?

Person A:  ""You look great! Don't feel bad about yourself!" and "But you're skinny!" are typically things I hear. I've also had many roll their eyes my way, as I let on about my insecurities

It's an obsession that's nearly impossible to break, constantly thinking about how your body fits into your clothes, and if other people notice things you try so hard to hide. I still can't help but feel as though everyone is always looking at me, whenever I wear a new outfit, or a pair of jeans that fits a little tighter.
I don't want people to tell me I look great and that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I look like. I DON'T, and someone guilting me into thinking I don't have a reason to doesn't make me feel better."

Person B: "I always tease myself for being big my whole life, if when i was the perfect size 13 in the 9th grade. I have had girls tease me for looking like a lesbian. Because i was bigger and never wore girly clothing. Didn't know how to wear makeup."

Person C: "Yeah...I get a lot of "you're tiny, you're crazy" when I've gained 15 pounds and went up a pant size....to me it's traumatic. I haven't been this heavy and wide since puberty. "

Person D: "[...]through out the years I reached out to my so called friends but none understood. My family didn't grasp what I was going through either. They just told me to loose weight and not to focus on the body I was in at the time. I really believe that it was only till I got to college that I felt understood. Going into theatre where there tends to be loud insecurities and a lack of self-confidence for most people, people could relate. They helped me gain confidence, and taught me to love the skin I was in again."

Person E:  "I have talked to some people, mostly significant others. They are supportive and try to help me see myself in a better light. If I talk to my friends, I am very factual and indifferent. I focus on what happened (usually a body shaming story) but not how I feel."

Person F: "I love talking about it. When I was younger I wasn't allowed to say how I felt because if I showed confidence, someone brought me down, or if I wore something I liked, I was told it's something I shouldn't wear. I wore a uniform and was told by the other girls I needed to start shaving my legs, I was fat, my skirt was too long, my clothes were wrinkled.

I never told my family about my issues at school because I had to be strong, I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my brothers or my mom. My mom used to always tell me I had to be strong, and crying was weak. (When I grew up more I realized this was due to my mom's issues. She married verbally abusive/controlling men and her father was even worse.) Plus there were so many other kids and I felt like my brother wasn't strong enough so I hid everything and was strong for him.

I also didn't talk to my friends about my issues. I wanted them to like me and every time I exposed an insecurity, most of my "friends" used it against me. I did not develop many close friends as a child because of this. As an adult, I like to talk about issues and insecurities. It helps rationalize and when I show my weaknesses it allows others to show theirs. I guess that kid never changed, and I just want everyone to be open and discuss issues with me. It is very freeing and I want others to feel better. I pride myself in being someone easy to talk to and confide in. I will be what I can be for others, but they need to tell me, I don't like assumptions, because it leads to misunderstanding."

 Person G: "Some said a phrase, some blew it off, some really cared and understood."

Person H: "I guess I kind of covered the first part about my mom. That and the anger at my unstable health would be something I could only work out in therapy. Lots of therapy. It was just mixed up with other issues and needed to be untangled together.

The social crowd I have been in for most of my adult life is made up of mostly guys. And the few girls and I all started out from this place of 'we're not girly, no one taught me how to do makeup and I don't need it anyway, here's my t-shirt and jeans, take it or leave it'. Since then it's evolved into a place where we all dabble in clothing and makeup. We care about how we look and know there's a time and place for it. I think we all had to get to a place for it. I think we all had to get to a place where we shed judgement. Including how we felt about our own selves. You can bet your ass that a lot of that for me came from the home environment I was raised in, with a fair dose of "fuck you and your established norms, I DO WHAT I WANT"."

Person I: “My entire life I have been thin. I have only weighed over 100lbs once—and that was because my boyfriend had me drink water until I hit 100 – I don’t know why I am so thin. But at the same time I have my inclinations. I think I am afraid. I am at a pretty constant weight ranging from 93-96lbs. The doctor is not concerned with my weight, since I eat fairly healthy and my tests come back normal. I have only every had one doctor tell me I need to exercise more.”

So great, we can talk about feelings, or try to for some. For some it helps and for some it doesn't. However, like most people will tell you...only you can change you. Easier said than done...no doubt what that. It took me a long time to finally get to the point where I was happy, at least for the most part. I have days, just like today, sweat pants, junk food, feeling bad about whatever is happening. I think it's healthy.