It happened.
I already had my first break down of 2016 and it's only 14 days in.
I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to cry. I didn't mean to let him see me like that.
But it happened.
Reality sometimes hits. The fluffy clouds around me go away or turn into gray thunderstorms.
It's been easy lately because he's not at the station, not risking his life, not running into fires.
That'll soon end. It'll reach the point when he goes back, he gets back into working 24 hours at a time, maybe more, maybe less.
The break down happened after we shared a moment. We held each other tightly and I felt it. You were slipping away. A sad song playing in the background and you were leaving me. I whispered for you to come back to me. You squeezed my hand before letting it go again. I hate when you let go. I felt my eyes swell. I didn't want you to see me cry. I try to be strong for you. You need someone strong at your side. You squeezed my hand again and this time for longer. You were finally coming back to me. At that point I told you I needed to get up. I went into the bathroom. Ran the water like I always do. There was something different that you didn't know happened. I cried. I stood in the bathroom, listening to the water running, and just cried. I came out and sat next to you. You had to ask for cuddles. You asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell you. More tears. You held me tighter.
I couldn't tell you because part of me didn't know why I was so upset. The other part of me knew I was just trying to block out what's really been on my mind. Living like this. Living knowing I have to watch what I listen to or watch around you. Knowing that this is how things were going to be. I better read up and buckle down figuring out how to suit your needs. I know that sounds selfish and I don't mean it to be. You take care of me. You want to take care of me. So far, you've done a wonderful job, but that's not the point. I try talking to you about my feelings and things get weird. I know it's hard to talk about it, but I need it. I need to talk about how I'm feeling. I need you to see me cry. I need you to know that it is hard on me. I can't. I hate it when you see me cry. I hate it when you hear me cry.
After I calmed down some, you went into the bathroom. I ran upstairs to grab something. I came back you were sitting on the floor. You left me again. You weren't there. I hate it when you leave me like that.
I sat with you, but you came back quicker this time. I actually felt like I helped some, even if I didn't. I used your phone, like we've talked about and started talking about happier things. You came back. You told me what had happened, I tried to comfort you...I feel like I failed. I told you everything was okay. I'm sorry. I know I'm not suppose to say that. I don't know how to comfort you with why you left. You're so worried about your scars and me seeing you all scarred up. I see you scarred every day. It's how you look. You can't see your scars though, trust me, I've tried to see them. I can't. Just like you, though...I don't want you to see my scars. That might be why I don't want you to see my cry. I don't want you to see my scars. Okay? I don't want you to see my scars! I want you to view me as strong and someone who will stand by your side, even though most days I'm not sure if I can do it.
I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. The more I read about being in this relationship, the more I get nervous. I know I love you. I know I want to spend my life with you. We have so many happy days and moments, yesterday was filled with them. You even admitted I know you better than you know yourself. It doesn't make it easier. I need you know that. I need to you know all of this. I hate watching you leave me, feeling your body and mind just drift away. It hurts. I feel useless, even if I'm helping. I need you to know that.
I know you know. That's not the point. It breaks my heart to have these feelings. I love and support you, no matter what you want to do in life. You know that. All I've ever asked is that you let me know, that you include me. Well, this is me including you. This is everything I couldn't say to your face. This is how I see our bad days. Our bad days. You're never alone while we're a couple. We're team. You always you have me, your protecting me, and I know. I want to have your back just as much, but I needed you to know this first.
I've never been one to keep hush when I feel about something. You know that. We've had talks about things that make you unhappy, but I've still made it clear where I was coming from and we've talked things out. It's been nice. I wish I could do that with our bad days, but I can't. I had to write it. You had to read it. I couldn't do it while we were face to face. I hope to get there one day. I hope I can get to the point where it's okay if you see my scars. You love me with my scars. I love you with your scars, so don't worry about them. I know that's easier said than done, but don't worry. I don't see them. I only see you. Just you. That's who I love. Just you.
