Pre-Opt to Change

As some of you may know, I've been working on a post about body image and how if effects us. After typing it all up, finally, I realized just how long it was.

I could've shortened it, I could've taken away from what people had to say and from their stories, but it didn't seem right. I wanted the post to be raw.

It's something that's so close to me. I'm the one that's always smiling, always laugh, and always just trying to have the best of time. (Even though I like to stay at home most days.) However, I'm the girl to put on pounds of make-up, to spend hours trying to look good and still hating what I look like in the end. I wear high waist-ed clothing to hide my stomach. I use crazy angles for selfies. I hate meeting new people.  I hate talking on the phone. I hate a lot of things, but I wonder if I asked people who know me, who  are around me, or who have spent any amount of time with me knows how much I hate.

I try my best to smile. I try my best to laugh. However, we all have our issues. So, I will be having a series of four blog post, five if you count this one. It will be a deeper look into body image and the struggles that follow. It will tell eight different stories and I just hope someone can take something away from it. We will look at when these stories first started, the journey through the stories and a small where are they now. When I say small, that's a joke. It will be a lot of reading. It will pull at your heart strings and it will hopefully have meaning. I know reading these over and over has given me a lot to think about it and opened my eyes to a lot.
It goes back to one of the post I had a few posts back about how you're not alone. These wonderful people and their stories have made my realize that I'm not alone. I can relate to so much of what was said and I hope you can as well.

Over all, I hope someone reading looks at it, looks at the stories and can find at least one thing they can take away at least one thing.

Ghosts

Ghosts.
Things in our lives?
Are they real?


What if we aren't talking about the "typical" ghosts?
What about those times you're walking...
Walking and you have to do a double take because you thought you saw someone?
That person would be alive, could be dead....
Yet you saw them.
They were clear as day.
They were just in your life.
Ghosts.

What about what Taylor Swift said?
"You say sorry just for show, you live like that you live with ghosts"?

Ranting.

What's the point in crying?

Why does everything end up dying?

Why be so depressed?

Why even get dressed?

What's the point in trying?

What's all of this buying?

Time to make it right?

Put in all my might?

Get thrown out like some thing?

Like a pot with a ding?

Will you keep sitting around?

Do they really want you 'round?

Why keep putting yourself down?

Stop acting like a clown.

Pull yourself up.

You're worth it. 

Stop crying.

Stop pouting.

Stop thinking you're worthless.

You're not.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

I started this blog to track my progress. The DCP, derby....life and where I was going. Then I hit a wall. I often think about the past; the past being something I wish I would stop thinking of. I can't stop wondering how different life would be if the smallest of things were to have changed.

If I didn't sprain my ankle, I would've already taken my skills test and who knows...I might even be able to play derby. If I would've taken the DCP I would be going down there right now and enjoying my, seemingly, dream job. I wouldn't be applying for new jobs, stressing over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Stressing. Part of me seems like that's all I've been doing lately.

When I started this blog, I wasn't stressing. I was in a pretty good place and I had big things planned out in my mind. That just goes to show where life can take you.

In order to get over some of this stress, I have to face the past. I have to face the past...have to.

I've already made a post about how depressed I once was...I was in a dark place for a while, blaming just about everyone else for my problems. It's easy to do. It's normal to do. It's called being a teenager.

However, being me, I had to take it to the next level. There was a few months where I didn't know where I was going. Just about fell in to the wrong crowd was step number one. I didn't really eat, something I still struggle with often, and I started doing self-harm. I recall just out of my little group of friends, about half us did self harm. It took me a while to admit it, even if others around me was willing to admit their problem. I'm happy to say it never became more than a couple of times of me being to hard on myself.

I remember that one time I told my mother that this was all happening and she just looked at me and said "it's okay." I was hurt. It didn't seem like she cared and it threw me. It made me realize at that point I was only trying to get some attention. I was being selfish and childish and I needed to grow up.

Being bullied through most of middle school is part of my issues as well. Because of that, I wanted everyone to like me. Feeling like if everyone liked me then life would be easier, I wouldn't get hurt so much..blah blah blah. I didn't understand back then that I didn't need to change, I like who I am.

Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I over think things. I like to plan things, I have a hard time relaxing and just going with the flow. It's been something I've been working on. People are always changing, growing and learning. Until then, I'm just trying to go through life being the happiest I can be.

Now, I realize most of my post lately have been down and mostly just annoying, to be honest. I'm working on a big post about body images, uses, and stories that people have been willing to share with me. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm working on spending time on me, spending time with my friends, and enjoying life as things come. It's hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for others as well.

I guess with these posts, I can only hope that someone reads it and realizes that they're not the only one that feels this way. They're not alone. They're not annoying people. They're not some thing that should be pushed aside. No one who truly cares about you will push you aside. They will be there for you even if they don't text back in the same day, if they don't see you every day...they care and they will be there when it counts most. Calm down. Deep breath. It gets better. It's not even as bad as you think. Tough words. Tougher to take in. Even tougher to believe.

I read this article on Buzzfeed that pretty much sums up what you're going through if you feel this way about anything: http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/hello-anxiety-my-old-friend?bffbhealth&utm_term=4ldqpkl#.qpE644drv

Soon my post will be filled with happy thoughts and the best of times. With good times; however, come the bad. In posting with this blog I like to truly capture everything that goes through my mind. There is no point in acting like I'm perfect or like my life is perfect. It's not. It's an inner struggle most days to get out of bed. However, I smile, I put happy thoughts into my mind, and I realize that my life truly isn't a bad as I think it is. It isn't perfect, but perfect is boring.