Crooked Smile

Smiling at me, crooked smile.

Winking at me, crooked smile.

You said you loved me--my heart flies,

You say you'll love me 'til ya die.

I'll be your 'til the end of time,

Just always be my--crooked smile.

We were just kids-

We came to be-

the very best friends-

just- you and me.

Nothing could go wrong--

We thought we were so strong.

Smiling at me, crooked smile.

Winking at me, crooked smile.

You said you loved me--my heart flies,

You say you'll love me 'til ya die.

I'll be your 'til the end of time,

Just always be my--crooked smile.

Wasn't long 'til that- smile was gone

Couldn't see- what- I did wrong.

In my head my- misery.

I only wish that I could see...

Smiling at me, crooked smile.

Winking at me, crooked smile.

You said you loved me--my heart flies,

You say you'll love me 'til ya die.

I'll be your 'til the end of time,

Just always be my--crooked smile.

Smiles fade---in my heart

Don't know what to do-

Or where to start

Then it came to me--

like a dream...

Again I see you

Smiling back at me, crooked smile.

Winking at me, crooked smile.

You said you loved me--my heart flies,

You say you'll love me 'til ya die.

and I'll be your 'til the end of time,

Because you'll always be mine.

Crooked Smile.

Crooked Smile.

**Written all by Malice In Wonderland**

Missing Someone

This is a post I've been thinking about for a while.
It's all about missing someone, but not just anyone.

Lately I've been thinking about the people in your life that you're so happy they're gone. Your life was changed because of them--some days it's for the better and some days it's not.

How about when someone new comes into your life?

Things seemingly get better and you think about the other person less and less.
Of course, most of the time, you can't avoid them forever.

So...what do you do then?

Not too long ago I thought about a person who is no longer in my life (for the better). However, thinking about them made me stop. Why was I thinking about them? Did I miss them? Why?

It made me think about my boyfriend as well. Does he think about people in his past? People he says he hates, but he could still think about them...right? I am a jealous person, even if I try not to be. I think about others, even when I don't mean to, so how can I be so jealous of him thinking about others?

Does anyone else do this? Like seriously.

I'm fine and dandy and my life is great then BAM, that stupid random person pops in your head or on facebook or some random way and you look at them and think about that moment when you were actually happy being around them.

Don't get me wrong, I would never cheat. I would've even think about cheating. However, my mind just races away with weird thoughts of the past. Once I come to...well I realize that the person in the past is there for a reason. They're in the past for a reason. That's always so important for a reason.

If people are meant to be in your life they will be. I try to believe  that things happen for a reason, some times that is easier said than done, but I do try. I'm sure most people do. However, it's not fair when you think about someone you really don't want to. Yes, I understand life isn't fair, but it doesn't really make things easier.

So, long story short. Why do I do this?! Please tell me I'm not the only one.
The past can stay in the past any time now. KTHX!

A New Year

We're a month into the new year and today I really took a moment to step back and think. Yes, it's only 9:40am, but I was thinking anyways. This time last year I just came home from spending a month in Florida and little did I know how much my life was about to change.

So much has happened in the past year. I'm sure most of you can say the same. (Are there still any readers out there anyways?)

This past year has been filled with many ups and downs, like most years. However, this past year was different. I feel like I grew up. I grew a back bone. I truly started believing in myself and believing that wonderful things can happen to me.

If anyone has followed this blog from the start, then you know what kind of roller coast this year has been.

Of course, I haven't put out everything that has happened and I know I've been slacking on post, but I'll try to change that. I miss writing. I start writing for an outlet for myself. If anyone else wanted to read, well they were more than welcomed.

Then I got feedback. It made me realize that I was touching people--in a non-dirty way. (WINK!)

My life has been filled with many--weird-- and wonderful things. It's taken me a while to realize that I have amazing people in my life...but I also have amazing people because I'm amazing. It's one of those treat others how you'd like to be treated things. If you're kind, kindness will come. If you're friendly, friends will come...you get where I'm going.

Anyways, I'm hoping this year I will keep growing. I hope that I'll be able to inspire at least one person. I think that's something we all should do. It just might make the world a little bit better.

Break Down

It happened.

I already had my first break down of 2016 and it's only 14 days in. 

I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to cry. I didn't mean to let him see me like that. 

But it happened. 

Reality sometimes hits. The fluffy clouds around me go away or turn into gray thunderstorms. 

It's been easy lately because he's not at the station, not risking his life, not running into fires. 

That'll soon end. It'll reach the point when he goes back, he gets back into working 24 hours at a time, maybe more, maybe less. 

The break down happened after we shared a moment. We held each other tightly and I felt it. You were slipping away. A sad song playing in the background and you were leaving me. I whispered for you to come back to me. You squeezed my hand before letting it go again. I hate when you let go. I felt my eyes swell. I didn't want you to see me cry. I try to be strong for you. You need someone strong at your side. You squeezed my hand again and this time for longer. You were finally coming back to me. At that point I told you I needed to get up. I went into the bathroom. Ran the water like I always do. There was something different that you didn't know happened. I cried. I stood in the bathroom, listening to the water running, and just cried. I came out and sat next to you. You had to ask for cuddles. You asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell you. More tears. You held me tighter.
I couldn't tell you because part of me didn't know why I was so upset. The other part of me knew I was just trying to block out what's really been on my mind. Living like this. Living knowing I have to watch what I listen to or watch around you. Knowing that this is how things were going to be. I better read up and buckle down figuring out how to suit your needs. I know that sounds selfish and I don't mean it to be. You take care of me. You want to take care of me. So far, you've done a wonderful job, but that's not the point. I try talking to you about my feelings and things get weird. I know it's hard to talk about it, but I need it. I need to talk about how I'm feeling. I need you to see me cry. I need you to know that it is hard on me. I can't. I hate it when you see me cry. I hate it when you hear me cry.
After I calmed down some, you went into the bathroom. I ran upstairs to grab something. I came back you were sitting on the floor. You left me again. You weren't there. I hate it when you leave me like that.
I sat with you, but you came back quicker this time. I actually felt like I helped some, even if I didn't. I used your phone, like we've talked about and started talking about happier things. You came back. You told me what had happened, I tried to comfort you...I feel like I failed. I told you everything was okay. I'm sorry. I know I'm not suppose to say that. I don't know how to comfort you with why you left. You're so worried about your scars and me seeing you all scarred up. I see you scarred every day. It's how you look. You can't see your scars though, trust me, I've tried to see them. I can't. Just like you, though...I don't want you to see my scars. That might be why I don't want you to see my cry. I don't want you to see my scars. Okay? I don't want you to see my scars! I want you to view me as strong and someone who will stand by your side, even though most days I'm not sure if I can do it.
I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. The more I read about being in this relationship, the more I get nervous. I know I love you. I know I want to spend my life with you. We have so many happy days and moments, yesterday was filled with them. You even admitted I know you better than you know yourself. It doesn't make it easier. I need you know that. I need to you know all of this. I hate watching you leave me, feeling your body and mind just drift away. It hurts. I feel useless, even if I'm helping. I need you to know that.
I know you know. That's not the point. It breaks my heart to have these feelings. I love and support you, no matter what you want to do in life. You know that. All I've ever asked is that you let me know, that you include me. Well, this is me including you. This is everything I couldn't say to your face. This is how I see our bad days. Our bad days. You're never alone while we're a couple. We're team. You always you have me, your protecting me, and I know. I want to have your back just as much, but I needed you to know this first.
I've never been one to keep hush when I feel about something. You know that. We've had talks about things that make you unhappy, but I've still made it clear where I was coming from and we've talked things out. It's been nice. I wish I could do that with our bad days, but I can't. I had to write it. You had to read it. I couldn't do it while we were face to face. I hope to get there one day. I hope I can get to the point where it's okay if you see my scars. You love me with my scars. I love you with your scars, so don't worry about them. I know that's easier said than done, but don't worry. I don't see them. I only see you. Just you. That's who I love. Just you.

New Year. Yay.

Most people at this time of year live by the saying "A New Year, A New Me". A blanket phrase that works for people. It's easy and simple and thing to say.
However, I don't want a new me.

Of course, like everyone else, I have things I want to change about myself. Like most, I want to lose some weight and get in shape.

In the past few post I've talked about how great things have been and today I realized something.
Everyone has things going on, we all know that; however, life, most likely, isn't as bad as it seems.
I know that sounds terrible, or, at least, it could be taken terribly. I'm not trying to down play anyone's pain, past, troubles, or anything like that, don't get me wrong about that. However, I know a lot of people that take something that is bad and turn it into something that is so overly terrible.
Long story short, water off a duck's back.

So yes, a new year is coming; however, no to a new me...a better me? Maybe. Hopefully.
The new year will have a lot of ups and downs, I will grow stronger, I will have weak moments, but I will stay true to myself.

Happy Holidays.

Well, since it's the holidays I feel like I need a simple and happy post. Life has been crazy the past few weeks and it has made me realize just how lucky I am.

Sure, I still will have days when I'll forget how lucky I am, or I'll still feel alone in my world, but deep down I know I can never forget.

I wrote about the power of social of media. Long story short, that's still going on. I'm pretty sure if you really wanted to get something done, all you have to do is fine the right person to talk too. Social media can make or break you in a matter of a few seconds...even less time than that. So always keep that in mind when you posting a status on Facebook or even a simple blog post.
No matter, I'm still happy and proud of myself for all that I've done...and to think...it's all been done via Twitter.

My boyfriend...my sweet...sweet...kind heart-ed man. I always knew I was lucky to have him. As soon as we started dating I knew I was lucky. A sexy Irish firefighter, who I got to call mine, was just that....mine. However, I'll be the first to admit the whole firefighter thing got old, quickly. Yes, I support him and yes, I love that he wants to serve and protect. (haha..I found that way too funny). However, I also saw what it has done to him. I'm very lucky he's still alive, I'm very lucky he's still got his spirit...but most of all, I'm glad he's mine. He has taken care of me, he's hung around my friends and he has gone beyond his "call of duty" as a boyfriend. He also puts up with all of my crap and anyone who does that is just simply awesome.

All of my co-workers. I walked into work and my mailbox and desk was covered in gifts, cards and food all celebrating the holiday...well Christmas. I celebrate Christmas, so whatever you would like to call it is fine, but that's what I do. So just saying. Santa, snow men and glitter are all covering my desk. Everyone in the office has been so wonderful. I've been fighting off this weird cold thing and for the second time in almost five years, I called off work the other day...everyone has been asking if I'm okay and checking in on me. We do cards for people, get well cards, happy birthday cards, almost anything you can think of cards, and it is all amazing. Plus...they keep complimenting my outfit...so who doesn't love that! Ego boost! (not to cover all the other wonderful things we do for each other).

All around, I get to say I'm lucky. I'm lucky for my cat, all his wonderful cuddles when he just knows, I'm lucky for my family for dealing with me and putting up with me, I guess same goes for my friends, but honestly, life hasn't gone the way I thought it would, but as the holidays come and 2015 is about to end, I get to say I'm happy and luckily.

Things might not be perfect, but I have so much to be happy and thankful for. I only hope everyone else can find the same things in life.

Your Story Isn't Over

I've written before about how I use to abuse myself. I will have to admit sometimes I am still hard on myself, more than I should be. However, I know people who are still stuck in this loop.
I get to say I moved past it. I moved past harming myself.

Does that make my story over?

It was for attention, mostly. I did like the control of it. It was something I could control. I could control the things that were happening for the first time in my life. That was something that felt better, even through the pain, the control felt better.

I've talked to my boyfriend about some of this and he's opened up some about the way he feels like he is in control of his body. He has different ways than I did, which I'm thankful for; however, in the end it will cause more problems than not.

He was talking about "Project Semicolon". I had heard about it and knew people who supported it, but other than that I never really paid much attention to it.

Today I was looking it up and reading more about it.

This is from their website:

"We envision love and hope and we declare that hope is alive;

We envision a society that openly addresses the struggle with mental illness, suicide and addiction; 

We envision a conversation embraced by churches and addressed with love;

We envision a society that sees their value and embraces it; 

We envision a community that comes together and stands together in support of one another;

We envision a world where an escape is not found within drugs or alcohol;

We envision a world where self-destruction is no longer a escape to be used;

We envision a revolution of LOVE and declare that our stories are not over yet;"

-Amy Bleuel

Founder & President

Just reading that alone I was pulled in. It connected me into a new sight. It brought back these feelings when I thought all hope for me was lost. I was lucky enough to be found, found by my own self. I know some people aren't that lucky. However, like it says on Project Semicolon, your story isn't over. The point of ";" in general. It's so small, simple, but beautiful. 

Read more about Project Semicolon here: http://www.projectsemicolon.org/