Dating: Simply a Thought

When you date someone it's not suppose to be stressful, it's suppose to be an adventure. It's suppose to make you feel better about yourself. Your partner is just that, a partner. If it is stressing anyone out, it just isn't going to work. This happens and it's okay. The question is what do you do about it? To me, it's not hard. Break up with them. Don't lead them on. Don't do whatever you think is best for them. Sometimes you need to do what's best for you. If you're stressed and in a relationship it will kill you. In the long run, it will kill the other person as well. Now where is  the good in that? No where. My point.

However, the break up won't be the hard part. It's the days, weeks, sometimes months after the break up that's the hardest. You try to be friends, sometimes that works. Both parties have to be willing to be friends. Then again, sometimes it's better to completely let go, no matter how hard it seems at the time.

To me, what makes it worse is when you know deep down how much you really care about that person. You've only known them for a short amount of time, but they're there. They're in your mind. You worry about them. You hope they're okay, that they had a good day. You want them to know that you're there for them. You can try all the time, but if they won't let you in?...you're just wasting everyone's time.

The feelings will go away. It could take a long long long long time, but then someone else will come along. Someone will come who takes everything away. All the bad, even the good. They just make you seem like you're floating because they make you so happy. Of course people will fight, all relationships have fights in them. Don't settle and don't sit around just wondering what you did wrong. You could've done everything right, but if it's not with the right person none of it will matter anyways.

Wonderland. (Falling Falling Tick Tick Tick)

Falling down the rabbit hole.

Falling falling. 

It's almost time to pay the toll. 

Falling...falling.

Whipping and twirling,

it's enough to make one sick.

Falling, always falling.

Tick Tick Tick.

Wonderland awaits.

Colors so bright it's blinding.

Count the dates.

It's yours for the finding.

Tick tick tick.

White rabbit's coming.

Tick tick tick.

It's all so succumbing,

Falling down the rabbit hole.

Falling falling.

It's almost time to pay the toll.

Falling...falling.

What was once so comforting,

 is now so bleak.

What was once so soothing,

is now what makes you weak. 

Falling falling.

Tick tick tick.

Falling falling.

Tick Tick Tick.

Planting Flowers

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and cleaning a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a women, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all our roads on today because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight. After awhile you learn...that even sunshine burns if you get to much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong and you really do have worth...and you learn and lean..with everything good-bye you learn."

--Jeorge Luis Borges "You Learn"

"You can't have confidence with out competent"

--Mathew Hussey "This Brilliant Line Got Me To Call" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BefTJPuBrs&feature=youtu.be

**I do recommend watching that video if you have time. I found it very interesting on his point of view about things he speaks about**

Life, as we all know, will throw curve balls as many times as possible; however, this is what I've noticed. Life throws you as many curve balls as you let it. They will always happen and that's something you cannot stop. What you can stop if the way to you take that curve ball. It won't happen over night. It takes a long time to get out of your head and to just relax. Relaxing is something that I can never do. I've never been good at just taking the day and going off and relaxing. Sure, I can say I did it, but even after a relaxing day I will still be in my head thinking about everything I need to worry about for tomorrow. I've always been one that wears my heart out of my sleeve and because of that I have been hurt. I've been hurt as in simply being bullied all the way up to being completely heart broken. (I mean, gross, crying, snot running, heart broken). I know for a fact that I put myself in situations where I'm setting myself up to be hurt. For example, in relationships I always say I'm going to move slow, then I get caught up in the feeling. The feeling of being wanted, the feeling of the butterflies and the nerves, then getting to know the person, realizing everything you have in common with that person. Of course, the planning of what the future may bring. It's all very exciting and scary all at the same time. Then it happens. The other person realizes just how fast it is all moving and the drop it on you. It's no one's fault. People should be open and honest with each other when they're in a relationship. However, for me it takes more than a few weeks, even a few months to realize that things are moving at the scary fast pace. 

Then again, not all break up can be bad. Sometimes you stop talking to a friend because they're a bad influence on you. Sometimes you know you just don't want to hang out with that group, whoever they are. All of that is perfectly fine. People will always come and go from your life. 

I read a post that was talking about the moment you realize you finally let go and it was beautiful. 

"It's funny how it can hit you, like a ton of bricks, so sudden. Maybe it's a certain smell, or a phrase you heard a long time ago that can bring back a memory, a lifetime. [...] The way he looked at me, how he played with my hair, held my hand when he walked me home, the slightest pressure of his lips touching mine, his secure embrace, breathing in his cologne, how his eyes glowed in the night, how he said "I love you." Sometimes we would just sit next to each other not uttering a sound and I'd just feel this overwhelming feeling of safety. [...] Early this year he came back into my life for the last time. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of after all of this time he still felt the same way. All of these emotions bubbled up but the end result was me saying it didn't work the first time for a reason. I loved him and he loved me, but we didn't love ourselves. [..] A huge chunk of my life, yet it was only for a moment."

Of course it is all summed up for this post, but there is still a strong and wonderful message behind it all. These life changing events that happen to us only last a moment. The people, the stories, the events, it all could have lasted weeks, months, years and it was just a moment. Whatever left the impact on your heart was a moment in time. It's just about mind blowing to think how fast it takes to fall in love. For me, I can fall in love within days, within moments of talking to someone. It doesn't have to be the love where you want to marry them and spend forever with them; however, you could find something you love about someone. I love their humor, I love their smile, I love the way they get that silly face when they're thinking about something, I love their laugh, I love that they're them. Perhaps it's a fault of my own that I try to see good in everyone, try to be there, try to help them and support them throughout anything. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. Whenever I am going through something I hate talking about it, I hate putting myself out there and admitting that I'm hurt. I shut people out and just give advice instead. 

Even with all of this, falling in love to easy and fast, finding good in person, everything that someone might see as good can be terrible. Even then, it only takes a moment to have positive feelings towards someone;however, once those feelings are there it can take forever to go away. Forever for trust to go, forever for the love to fully go away.

Then again, for someone people it goes away so quickly. Once it's away it takes forever for it to come back. Someone from the past hurt you, someone from the past made all of that hurt happen and now for everyone in the future, you're still stuck on the moment, the moment it happened. 

So what can we do? We plant our own flowers. We water them. We grow them. We have to give them the rain and the sunshine if we want them to grow. It won't happen over night, it'll take time, care, understanding and love....patience. You might not always know what you're doing, you might make mistakes, but the flowers will understand. The flowers will still support you.

And Another Thing

okay so I've posted a lot lately and there is nothing wrong with that; however, I do wish things would stop coming into my mind. Like seriously.

Anyways, today on Malice on the rant we will be talking about the letter "L"....or more like the word "lie".

Like most people, I hate people who lie, and that's cool. It would be nice; however, if I could stop being so nice and open. I'm a talker. I like to talk things out with people and get over whatever it is that made me upset with you, but what I can't stand are the people that lie and lie and lie.
It's that whole fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me type of thing. I feel like, over all, I'm a forgiving person and I will forgive, even if I don't forget, and try to move on with things. One thing that makes it even harder though, is when people lie. That's something that's harder to forgive and harder to forget.

Long story short...don't mess with me. I'm not stupid and if you're really wanting to lie to me and avoid me....just don't talk to me.
Stop acting like we're friends then lie.

That won't fly.


Not cool, bro.

Happy Birthday Mr. President

So it was my birthday yesterday and I got way more support and love than I ever would have thought. I got over 100 wishes and to me that's huge. I didn't realize I even knew that many people, but turns out...I do! It's kinda awesome if you ask me.

My weekend was amazing even though I cried. Yes, cried. I had a break down about how I wasn't good enough and pretty much, I just needed to cry. It happens sometimes. However, on my actual birthday, which was yesterday, I got to talk to some people who I didn't really think I would talk to. I also got to connect with a lot of people I haven't talked to in a while and one person who I hadn't talked to since I was like....8! Seriously. It was so nice.

It was really eye-opening to see people and see how people actually cared. Sometimes you just have to step back and take a look at things.

Pep-talks all around. It's kind of silly. I always give out all these advice and what not and then people say it back to me and makes me think. It's different saying it than taking it. However, I got to admit it's some good advice.

Anyways, this was just a short entry to say things are kinda awesome for everyone. You just need to know that people care, even when it doesn't seem like that. Sometimes you just need a day to sit in your pj's all day and connect with people you've missed. Start with forgiveness, kindness, and an open mind. Reach out and just love it. Life will be good.

This Post Is Needed

**Disclaimer** This post is needed for many different reasons. I need it to help in more ways than one and I think other's need it because I know a lot of people who are like me. It does take a lot to admit when you're not okay and that's fine, but there comes a point when you really have to think about life. 

Let's talk about life. Let's talk about your deep dark fears. Let's talk about the time when you were most happy. Let's talk about the future. Let's talk about the past. Talking is something people do every day. In person we talk, over the phone we talk, we text, we e-mail and we even talk with just moving our bodies. How is it that something we do every day freaks people out when it comes to life? Life is something we all go through. We will live it, we have already lived some of it and yet people still shy away from subjects. 

I can admit that I am one of those people. I get shy and nervous. I hate talking about the past and I hate opening up to people. I do; however, find people who I just seem to click with and without thinking I just let me walls come down and open up. Maybe it's not all the way at first, but it's more than I do with most people. My last post was about my past and my mother. That is a subject I hardly talk about, or one I just try to shrug off like nothing. Yet, I've been able to open up about it more lately. I'm really proud of that; however, it's still not something I enjoy talking about and it's not something that I want to bring up. 

With all of that being said, I am a talker. I'm a person that when something goes wrong I just need to talk it out. I gotta talk everything out to get it clear in my mind so I feel good about life and things. It's just how I am. Get everything off my chest and just move on. I understand that not everyone is like that, but I don't understand people who just run away. Perhaps it's because I use to just shove my emotions down and act like nothing bothered me so now I get opening up and talking. (at least a bit more) 

Anyways, I just feel like when I open up and then the person I open up to just bails. Well. I should back up a little before I go into a rant. I have been told I'm pretty great (lets face it...I am ;)) The point you can only hear it so much. It sucks coming from someone that you trusted and they're saying that because they are hurting you or have hurt you. I know it's something everyone can relate to. It's nothing to be ashamed of, saying you're hurt or that you're tired of hearing the same things over and over. 

What upsets me most is that it does come from someone that I have opened up to and trust and then they just drop you like you are nothing, BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE, then they tell you how great you are. You had me in your life and now you're kicking me out! 

This may seem like I'm taking a personal hit on someone, but I'm not. It's not just one person, it's multiple people from my past, but who it is about has nothing to do with anything. I could start a list of names, but it wouldn't change anything. Pointing fingers and name calling won't change who they are or what they did or the way I feel or felt about them. I open myself up, maybe to easily sometimes, but I just know deep down I know they're good people. I don't hang around bad people. I won't believe that I do either. However, it doesn't stop the hurt.

There is a point when one person has to put their foot down and say enough is enough. I get into slums where I'm so tired of hearing that I'll do better and I'm a better person. It might be true, it might not be, the point is I have to believe it no matter what. If I don't believe it, I will never break the cycle of bad and I will never get out of my funk. Overall, I'm a very happy person. We all have our days and there is nothing wrong with that. I have no reason to let someone else tell me other wise or to make me feel any less happy. I will always forgive people (unless it's something super crazy, don't go thinking you can kill someone and I'll be cool...I'm not that relaxed!). I will always be willing to talk things out and hear you out, even if you don't want to talk until years later. 

Focus on the good things. The smallest little burst of happiness you get through out the way. 

Here are some of mine for today.

• The office isn't super hot.
• It's payday!
• My cat was playing the "get you" game this morning.
• Google "Kermit doing the face" You'll understand. 
• Getting to see some of my favorite co-workers.
• Being able to wear a dress!
• Texting...just texting.
• My birthday weekend starts after work today!

See how simple the list is? Yet, it keeps me going and reminds me that it's the small things. Only I can keep myself happy and whoever wants to join the ride is pretty lucky.

Things just kinda happen

With events from this past week I've been thinking about everything from the past. The worst part is that Miley Cyrus has been stuck in my head. "I Miss You", I should say. I'm not sure why that songs still out, well I do, but it's something I'd rather not talk about.

Good things this week though, I've been closer to people who I have missed, or who I have wanted to get to know better. I'm very excited about that. I decided to take back my life and for everything that stresses me out, I've been kicking back with something that has been making me happy.

Yesterday it was shopping and my good friend I hadn't seen in a while, the day before that it was a Grumpy Cat coffee, my cat, things I like about myself, today it was the sun, my lunch, eating lunch with another one of my good friends. Truly focusing on the small things that will be the best things about my day.

One of the biggest things that made me happy was that I got two shirts that were a size SMALL! (Then it made me laugh because at the same store, I got a shirt that was a large...seriously, what is wrong with women's sizing?!)

Malice front of things, I still haven't heard back about being able to use "Malice in Wonderland". I have found out I'm terrible at waiting for things. Patience isn't a bad thing, embrace it. <---sounds words of advice for life in general.

One of my friends quoted something off my blog and it made me stop and think. It was a really good quote and I was proud of myself that it came from my mind. Like seriously, mind blown moment.
I'm determined to write a huge long post about everything that's been going on, but for now I'll leave you all with a little story of my life.

When my mom got sick for the second time, I went into a shell. I stopped eating and just went through the motions of life without really living. It is something I regret, but here's how I'm feeling now about it all. I can admit that I stopped eating. I can admit I had a problem. I can admit that I feel better now and that, although some days I don't eat much, I am eating. I'm healthier, I want to be healthier. My step-father and I were talking about my eating habits (he brings up how little I eat almost all the time) and he just said "you were quite angry there for a while." It was such a simple statement, but the words ran so deep within me. I was angry, I was beyond angry! The one thing I could control, eating and the boys I dated. It's weird looking back at it. I had to be dating someone or I would go insane. I just needed someone to be there to tell me it was all going to be okay. It took some time before I realized I was the one needing to tell myself it would be okay. I pulled myself out of my funk. Now, I will admit I rush into relationship, for the excitement of someone else's attention. It isn't always the best thing, but it's me. I can slow down, but the adventure awaits to far to exciting. People say I'm young, I have time, it's true. People also say my mom is young...so young. She is young and yet, she can't do things I get to do every day. I get up out of bed, I shower, I dress myself, I go to the bathroom by myself. These things are things people don't think about, but I do. So when an adventure comes knocking it's something I jump at.
It doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking. I am. It's just that young for some people ends with high school. It ends when you can finally say "I'll be okay" to yourself and you mean it. It ends when you start eating. It ends when you start loving yourself and living in the moment.
If that makes me crazy, so be it. If that means I move a little to fast or even to slow sometimes, so be it. I'm just being me.
We all have things going on. We all have hard times, good times, and all times in between. Everyone handles things differently. The only thing you can do is know that one day you'll be able to say "I'm okay." It won't fix things, you'll still be broken and it'll be a fight every day, but it'll be okay. You're not alone. You'll never be alone. Find the same things that make you happy through out the day and then one day, before you know it, you'll just be....okay. Sometimes okay is simply perfect.