Your Story Isn't Over

I've written before about how I use to abuse myself. I will have to admit sometimes I am still hard on myself, more than I should be. However, I know people who are still stuck in this loop.
I get to say I moved past it. I moved past harming myself.

Does that make my story over?

It was for attention, mostly. I did like the control of it. It was something I could control. I could control the things that were happening for the first time in my life. That was something that felt better, even through the pain, the control felt better.

I've talked to my boyfriend about some of this and he's opened up some about the way he feels like he is in control of his body. He has different ways than I did, which I'm thankful for; however, in the end it will cause more problems than not.

He was talking about "Project Semicolon". I had heard about it and knew people who supported it, but other than that I never really paid much attention to it.

Today I was looking it up and reading more about it.

This is from their website:

"We envision love and hope and we declare that hope is alive;

We envision a society that openly addresses the struggle with mental illness, suicide and addiction; 

We envision a conversation embraced by churches and addressed with love;

We envision a society that sees their value and embraces it; 

We envision a community that comes together and stands together in support of one another;

We envision a world where an escape is not found within drugs or alcohol;

We envision a world where self-destruction is no longer a escape to be used;

We envision a revolution of LOVE and declare that our stories are not over yet;"

-Amy Bleuel

Founder & President

Just reading that alone I was pulled in. It connected me into a new sight. It brought back these feelings when I thought all hope for me was lost. I was lucky enough to be found, found by my own self. I know some people aren't that lucky. However, like it says on Project Semicolon, your story isn't over. The point of ";" in general. It's so small, simple, but beautiful. 

Read more about Project Semicolon here: http://www.projectsemicolon.org/

The Real Power: Social Media

If you don't know me, or if you haven't figured it out by now, I am into theater...or theatre if you'd like. I've been doing theater since I was five and I have always had a love for the art. Being in shows, on stage or off, or working behind the scenes, I just love being around theater. Theater Theater Theater! (Much like Marsha Marsha Marsha) To me, theater is a powerful movement. Each story is filled with dreams, hopes, realities,  truths, and each holding a moral value. Every person who watches a play or reads a script will take something away from it. Not everyone will take the same things away and that's fine. What they take away isn't always the point, just that they took something away.

This past week as been very busy. Normally, I'm very shy. I hardly do anything out of my comfort zone and I was pushed to that edge and beyond this week.

Let's start with Sunday. Seven days ago, today. Excitement filled my head as I went on through out the day. I knew that night I was going and seeing the musical hit "Jersey Boys" for the first time. I love the music, the story line, and the movie, but I had never gotten to see it in person. I'm one of those people who gets nervous for the cast, even if I'm not in the show. Let's just say...all day I was a wreck of nerves and excitement. My niece was coming along and it was her first "big girl" show, which was also very exciting! One of my co-workers ending up going that night as well.

Long story short... IT WAS AMAZING! The next day at work it was all I could talk about. The office was full of music as we sang the Four Seasons all day. So, out of the blue, I did it. I tweeted at, who I had from the, cast and told them they needed to come and visit because we were singing.

Again, long story short, I ended up meeting the cast. I got to greet them, let them into my work, a museum, and saw them later that night!
It was my dad's birthday and they gave him a signed picture and took pictures. They're honestly so down to earth. Being a theater kid, it was an honor that they even said "Hello", now I can call them "friend."

Mix all of that in with Thanksgiving, the parade, my family, meeting all of my boyfriend's family...it was a very long and stressful week. However, it was a time to give thanks. Which I did. I am very thankful.

How weird is that power of the social media though? A small tweet...less than 150 characters. Like a line from Jersey Boys. "Two hours in a recording studio on a Sunday afternoon and then the whole world exploded!" For me...my world did explode. Social media people! Got me out of my shell and with people who do what I went to school for! I'm not sure when I'll ever come off this high from the past seven days.

Side Note: I would love to give a huge shout out to my family who has laughed at me and made me who I am. You guys have supported me my whole life and you'll always have my back. Dad, I'm so happy I finally got to give something back to you. The cast of Jersey Boys, you guys have been so wonderful and happy, even when I just about passed out from meeting you. You've taken me in and called me friend, I hope to always stay in touch. So yea know, if you ever read my blog...HA Most of all, I want to thank my boyfriend. You have been amazing this week. You've dealt with so much and even though I've been fan girling over four guys under a street lamp, you're the one I get to come home to at the end of the day and I couldn't be happier. None of this would have happened without you. Thank you, baby. 

Alone, Yet Surrounded

Have you ever felt alone even when you're surrounded by people? To me, that's one of the weirdest feelings. You're sitting there with someone else, maybe a whole group of people, your mind just wonders, and you're alone. You're in your head just thinking. Maybe thinking of nothing, maybe of something that's tearing you up inside or maybe something that is just a dark memory. Let's face it, when you find yourself alone like that it's because it's a dark thought or something dark is happening, taking over.

That kind of alone is different than when you're really alone. Sometimes it's even worse. At least when you're truly by yourself the fears can make sense. Fear of someone attacking you, fear of something happening to you when no one is around, or the fear of being forgotten and lost. However, how can one have those fears when a group is around you.

Your mind wonders. It's a scary thing. Minds wondering just make me panic. I know, for a fact, that I over think. Over thinking causes me to lose faith in myself and others. I begin to not trust others. I begin to not know what I'm doing, I lose trust in myself.

Take a breath and open your eyes. You realize that you weren't alone. You're still in the group of people. The loud back ground noise from the chatter starts making sense once again. You can hear the noises turn into voices and words. You can hear.

How is that? How does our mind play such cruel tricks on us. Or is it our mind at all? Is it us? Is it us just us? Are we just that cruel to ourselves?

We torture ourselves.

I wonder if it's because we believe we deserve it. We believe we deserve what we are getting. We deserve to be alone. I deserve to be alone.

The past is in the past. It's an easy thing to say, but is it true? Have you ever truly forgotten the past? Yes, we can regret. Yes, we can say we forgive, but the past is what makes us. We grow and learn from the past, it shapes us and it make us become the people we are now. If that's true, I understand why I think I'm just a horrible person. Like most, I've done things I'm not proud of. Yes, I have changed and for the better; however, that part of me still ticks away.
Haunting. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Passing People

People will always come and go. Always. Sometimes it'll hurt and sometimes it will be something did. It's just how life works. I'm sure anyone will tell you that. It could be a best friend, someone you cared about, someone you hardly knew, just someone.
It's always been crazy to me when I really thought about it.
A split moment.

There are people that I use to talk too, who use to be my best friends, who I never talk to anymore. There are also some people that I only ran into once in my life and I think about them often.

When I think about this it scares me.

I wonder if I'm one of the people that gets lost in memories. I don't want to be lost.

Halloween--Time Flying.

I haven't watched half the Halloween movies I like to watch and I feel so behind.
This really isn't much of a post and I'm sorry for that, but how did this month go so fast?!
I was always told that the older I got the faster time would go, and I never believed it!


Well...time. You can slow down now.

That would be great.

700 Views...What?

So, I know I haven't posted much on here, life...right?
However, I checked on things, getting ready to right a post, then I looked at 700 views! I'm shocked from the different countries and how many views I've gotten.
I didn't think anything would come of this. It was a place to express my thoughts and everything I was going through.
I hid this blog from the world. I opened about about things I never thought I would talk about.
Then, slowly, I started telling people about my blog, started giving out the link and now I'm open about it.
I'm proud of myself for everything. I have changed so much since I started this blog and it hasn't even been a year, yet.
I have dated, cried, laughed, feared, smiled, changed. I learned so much about myself and others. Things I will never forget, almost keep close and never let go of.
I want this to be a place where I can look back at smiled, remember my life for the good and bad times and know that things were good.
I lived through everything and I have proof.

I have proof that I'm not alone and I'm human.

When I started  realizing that I was okay if people read this, I realized how selfish I was being. Now I can hope that someone reads this and realizes they're not alone. That's the point of writing.
Express myself and everything I've ever feared, everything I've been through, everything good and bad, things are okay. People grow. I keep saying now that if one thing happens I hope someone, just one person, realizes that they're not alone.
I know from writing this, I've realized I'm not alone. I've been able to let go of a lot of things and move on myself. It's really helpful and I encourage everyone to start writing. Just on paper even. Keep it to yourself or put it out there under a fake name. Do something. It'll help. One day you'll realize that you're ready to share it with the world. You're ready to move on, let go, and live again.

So my little views, I can never thank you enough. Even if it's the same three people viewing over and over again. I thank you. You have suffered through all my stories, my terrible grammar, my posting a lot at once then nothing at all.

I encourage you to comment on things, ask me questions, ask me for advice, ask me anything, ask for a topic you would like to hear about, give me feed back. I would love some! I'm happy to just ramble, as I'm sure you can tell, but seriously, I'm open to hearing what you guys (or gals, or just people) think!

So You're Dating A Firefighter.

How did that happen? Wonderful question.
Have you ever met someone and when you first start talking you just know that you want that person in your life. Like, no matter how they're in it, they just need to be in it for you to keep your mind.
Well that happened.

Then you find our they're a firefighter. At first sight, it sounds wonderful. So cool and you get all this cute stuff that says "firefighter's girlfriend" or "my heart belongs to my firefighter". Trust me...there's a lot of cute stuff like that out there. Then it sounds amazing because you're talking to a hero, someone who saves people, someone that people look up too. It's all so over whelming you don't realize what comes with it.

The fear, every time he's at work, the stress, which is brought on by the fear, the PTSD, from everything he's seen.
By the time you realize all the stresses you're already pulled in to deep. You look into his eyes and see the future and it's so bright and happy. One can only wonder how someone who has seen so much have so much light in their eyes.
You want to become close to someone, but because of their past they might pull away. This can happen to the best of us, but a lot of us get over it. We heal and move on from the past, from the people who hurt us or the time we hurt ourselves, but what happens if we couldn't heal? If we couldn't stop the pain. If we had triggers, if we had smells or sights that would stop you and place you back into a time when things weren't so good?

Think of it this way, an ex boyfriend, they had a hoodie you loved to steal from them, it smelled like them, it made you so happy and safe...then you break up. You slowly move on and get over and you may even find someone else who makes you happier than your ex. Then one day you walk by someone and they smell like he did, the scent of what use to be your favorite hoodie surrounds you, it over takes you. It brings back him and what he did. Now think about that, but watching someone die, watching their house burn into ashes. (or sometimes PTSD is sexual assault). Take that smells of your ex boyfriend and amplify by ten....ten hundred, ten thousand, ten million! You can't..you may think you understand how bad it is, but you can't unless you were there with them

How are you suppose to love and support someone through something you can hardly understand? It pushes them way from you. It can cause so many stresses on every day life and your relationship and yet you look at them and you just feel like everything is alright because it's a good day.

It's scary. It's hard. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and it's something that is going to take time. I might complain. I might have a bad day trying to deal with everything. I might want to give up, but I can't. I know he will need me, even if it's to get his mind off of things, even if he doesn't want to talk or open up. So the next time I say "My boyfriend is a firefighter", I will say it with a smile, but don't think it's because I think it's the coolest thing in the world or because I get all the cute little "firefighter's girlfriend" stuff, it's because at the end of the day we will be stronger than ever because we have a bond. We have a bond that will hold us together until the ends of time if we let it, because he has shared with me, I have listened and I still don't treat him differently. He is a person. He's much more than a firefighter and much more than PTSD.