Alone, Yet Surrounded

Have you ever felt alone even when you're surrounded by people? To me, that's one of the weirdest feelings. You're sitting there with someone else, maybe a whole group of people, your mind just wonders, and you're alone. You're in your head just thinking. Maybe thinking of nothing, maybe of something that's tearing you up inside or maybe something that is just a dark memory. Let's face it, when you find yourself alone like that it's because it's a dark thought or something dark is happening, taking over.

That kind of alone is different than when you're really alone. Sometimes it's even worse. At least when you're truly by yourself the fears can make sense. Fear of someone attacking you, fear of something happening to you when no one is around, or the fear of being forgotten and lost. However, how can one have those fears when a group is around you.

Your mind wonders. It's a scary thing. Minds wondering just make me panic. I know, for a fact, that I over think. Over thinking causes me to lose faith in myself and others. I begin to not trust others. I begin to not know what I'm doing, I lose trust in myself.

Take a breath and open your eyes. You realize that you weren't alone. You're still in the group of people. The loud back ground noise from the chatter starts making sense once again. You can hear the noises turn into voices and words. You can hear.

How is that? How does our mind play such cruel tricks on us. Or is it our mind at all? Is it us? Is it us just us? Are we just that cruel to ourselves?

We torture ourselves.

I wonder if it's because we believe we deserve it. We believe we deserve what we are getting. We deserve to be alone. I deserve to be alone.

The past is in the past. It's an easy thing to say, but is it true? Have you ever truly forgotten the past? Yes, we can regret. Yes, we can say we forgive, but the past is what makes us. We grow and learn from the past, it shapes us and it make us become the people we are now. If that's true, I understand why I think I'm just a horrible person. Like most, I've done things I'm not proud of. Yes, I have changed and for the better; however, that part of me still ticks away.
Haunting. Tick. Tick. Tick.