Part three: Trying Or Just Pretending.

 I can't pretend things are okay when they're not. I can hold my head up and push through and one day it will be okay. Until then, everyone needs a day to just cry. What about after that though? What can we do to pull ourselves out of that? 

Person A:  "I've actually tried believing what my husband says.I don't vocalize any insecurities I may have. I don't put myself down, and I don't make sarcastic remarks about myself. I originally started doing it because of the way it affected my husband. Whenever I'd "correct" him and say "No I don't," or "You're just saying that because...", I wouldn't always notice it, but it DID affect him. Here he was, lovingly telling me something he likes about my physicality, and I was telling him he was wrong. I wasn't validating his feelings. I'm not saying I was being "ungrateful," but after I while, I could tell that it legitimately made him sad. He loves me, and is verbalizing said love, and I would dismiss it. How sad are we when we try to comfort someone, honestly and earnestly, and they openly deny said comfort? I was openly throwing his affirming words, telling me things I wished someone would tell me my whole life, back in his face, because I was too insecure to even TRY to believe him.

Simply saying "thank you" has changed everything."

Person B: "I am a very depressed person. I’m not going to lie. I hate myself for eating poorly. I hate myself for being diagnosis with PCOS. I hate myself for being afraid to love myself for who I am and what I look like. I now hear my friends say I’m beautiful. Of course my family would say that even though I know I’m the ugliest out of all my cousins. Yeah I may have a pretty face but that doesn't help my hatred of my body. Going from a size 13 to 18 in one year was really bad. Then finally being diagnosis with PCOS after not knowing what was wrong with me. I never ate that much growing up. I never ate candy. But I still blame myself for the weight gain. I feel like someone would love me if I was skinny. I'd get guys falling for me. Get leads in plays for being skinny. No one loves the fat girl. They always think I’m big because I eat. Not necessarily. But then my anxiety triggers my depression. Which triggers my thoughts on why i hate myself. I hate myself because I’m fat. I’m trying my hardest to fix it. I go to the gym. I take the right medication now. I’m slowly trying to stop drinking pop. I’m trying to love myself as every other human does."

Person C: "Overeat....cry....get mad...crave fruits and veggies....not much good to be honest."

Person D: "There was this exercise in my psychology class. Every single day we had to look in the mirror and say "I love you." At first, it felt like a waste of breath but over time, it worked. Now I can happily say that I loved myself again. The support of my family and friends helped a ton. Slowly I am repairing myself from the years of self-hatred and I can go into a dressing room now and look in the mirror and say "Wow, I look awesome." Just this past year I purchased two pairs of booty shorts. My legs and butt are the parts I'm most self-conscious about. It was a statement for me, a stepping stone, a big leap. And it felt great."

Person E: "I work out and try to eat right. I tell myself I need to be healthy and being healthy is really what matters. Roller derby and being surrounded by incredible supportive people helps too.

Eating is something I've always struggled with though and I fall back into old hanks of not eating, continuing to feel bad about myself, and then gorging on everything. I usually just end up feeling sick though and then try to get back on course with eating regularly and as healthy add possible."

Person F: "My exterior is imperfect and many things have helped. I think I came to terms with what I was given. I will never be a small woman, but I like that now. There were small things, like a website I found that showed real women's breasts in a nonsexual manor, and that helped immensely. I used to think there was something wrong with them because they weren't perfect and airbrushed. They are real and mine.

I have always hated having big feet, but it means heels are more comfortable; I hated my height, but I like being able to see over stuff; I hated my legs, but even if they don't fit pants right, dresses and skirts are great for that; I have a big head, but it motivated me to make my own hats.
Really I have always loved me in spite of everyone else's input. The most difficult thing to do was tune out all of the negatives. Embracing others faults was a huge step towards excepting their ignorance and judgment. I may dress a bit differently, but it's not to appease others, but myself. Actually I always dressed for me, I just try a little harder to match now."

Person G: "It has taken years and I am still struggling with it. I am finding confidence now that I am in my 30s but still lots of work to be done on the inside to be ok with the outside."

 

Person H: "Therapy helped me get to a place where I didn't internalize blame. Blame for my pain and how I felt unreliable. It also taught me that I could ignore the voice of my mother, telling me how to look and feel.

Now I dress how I like. I'd say the genderfluidity has always been there, though I didn't have a name for it. I just liked some parts of men's clothing and liked how I look in it. I wasn't masculine or femme. I was me. I think that mindset really came into being when I started taking birth control pills that eliminated my period. I forget sometimes that periods even exist. It's AWESOME! I think that was the last time I really thought of myself like a lady, per say, and not just like me. That last thing that made me truly female in my mind. I want to note that I don't really see myself as having a disconnect between my physical body and my gender or anything like that. I'm me. I dunno. I'm sure if I talked to a doctor there's a specific term for that."

Person I: “Eating. I love it. So much. But again every day is different. If you ask my friends, I can eat like a horse – just keep piling food in, never seeming to get full. If you ask my boyfriend, he may agree – but he knows a darker side. He would tell you that I rarely eat, I only eat in front of people, that I only eat tiny amounts of food in private (unless it is a video game marathon where I can’t get enough junk food). I do not eat any fast food. I haven’t since December of 2013. Just something I believe is super unhealthy for you. Don’t get me wrong if a friend bought some micky d’s I sure as hell am going to have a French fry – but no more than 3.

 I think the 100lb mark is scary. While that may seem crazy, it is the truth. I don’t want to be over 100lb. I have stretch marks on several different parts on my body, with new ones popping up almost monthly. This is where every day is different. I look in the mirror, I can see sag, I can see stretch marks, I can see my rib cage, I can see my hip bones, I can see an hourglass, I can see someone who looks sick. This is what I see most days – not what I should be seeing, a confident young woman. But don’t get me wrong, I do have those days too. They are just few and far between. I can feel beautiful, take a selfie then two weeks later look and say “what the hell were you thinking” You look terrible, look at the bags under your eyes, the cellulite on your thigh.

I have never truly shared my feelings, now and then I have a really bad day that can end in tears and I simply tell my boyfriend I am just having a difficult day. They always pass. My issues do not make me want to intentionally hurt myself, or make me angry, or resentful. I am me; I do what I can to make myself better every day- put on that eyeliner at work, if that is what I need that day to feel beautiful. I don’t like when any one comments on my weight. I think it is rude. The one I get most often is “how do you stay so thin” I don’t look back and say “Well, how did you get so fat?” That would be mean. I take it the same way. What if I was having a bad day, what if that morning I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I looked like a malnourished holocaust victim? How would that make them feel if I told them that? I wish people understood that I have just as many issues as other people.”

Try believing, surround yourself with amazing people, eat better, eating at all, take care of yourself more, say fuck the world?

Part Two: Just Talk It Out

"Some people without brains do an awful amount of talking"

-Scarecrow

Another thing I noticed, and that's true to myself, is that it's the people you care about that makes you realize things. That or, it's a least people you're around often and around enough to realize that they are making you see yourself differently, which isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes those people can be the ones you talk things out with. I've posted about telling my mom the bad things I was doing to myself and I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. I was wondering if this is common. Whenever I talk about how much I hate this part of me or that, I always get the same response..."shut up, you look great!" I'm guilty of telling people this myself I'm sure we all are. Buy why? If you're feeling terrible about something do you tell someone? Have you tried? Have you wanted to? What did you do to make yourself feel better? What can you do?

Person A:  ""You look great! Don't feel bad about yourself!" and "But you're skinny!" are typically things I hear. I've also had many roll their eyes my way, as I let on about my insecurities

It's an obsession that's nearly impossible to break, constantly thinking about how your body fits into your clothes, and if other people notice things you try so hard to hide. I still can't help but feel as though everyone is always looking at me, whenever I wear a new outfit, or a pair of jeans that fits a little tighter.
I don't want people to tell me I look great and that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I look like. I DON'T, and someone guilting me into thinking I don't have a reason to doesn't make me feel better."

Person B: "I always tease myself for being big my whole life, if when i was the perfect size 13 in the 9th grade. I have had girls tease me for looking like a lesbian. Because i was bigger and never wore girly clothing. Didn't know how to wear makeup."

Person C: "Yeah...I get a lot of "you're tiny, you're crazy" when I've gained 15 pounds and went up a pant size....to me it's traumatic. I haven't been this heavy and wide since puberty. "

Person D: "[...]through out the years I reached out to my so called friends but none understood. My family didn't grasp what I was going through either. They just told me to loose weight and not to focus on the body I was in at the time. I really believe that it was only till I got to college that I felt understood. Going into theatre where there tends to be loud insecurities and a lack of self-confidence for most people, people could relate. They helped me gain confidence, and taught me to love the skin I was in again."

Person E:  "I have talked to some people, mostly significant others. They are supportive and try to help me see myself in a better light. If I talk to my friends, I am very factual and indifferent. I focus on what happened (usually a body shaming story) but not how I feel."

Person F: "I love talking about it. When I was younger I wasn't allowed to say how I felt because if I showed confidence, someone brought me down, or if I wore something I liked, I was told it's something I shouldn't wear. I wore a uniform and was told by the other girls I needed to start shaving my legs, I was fat, my skirt was too long, my clothes were wrinkled.

I never told my family about my issues at school because I had to be strong, I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my brothers or my mom. My mom used to always tell me I had to be strong, and crying was weak. (When I grew up more I realized this was due to my mom's issues. She married verbally abusive/controlling men and her father was even worse.) Plus there were so many other kids and I felt like my brother wasn't strong enough so I hid everything and was strong for him.

I also didn't talk to my friends about my issues. I wanted them to like me and every time I exposed an insecurity, most of my "friends" used it against me. I did not develop many close friends as a child because of this. As an adult, I like to talk about issues and insecurities. It helps rationalize and when I show my weaknesses it allows others to show theirs. I guess that kid never changed, and I just want everyone to be open and discuss issues with me. It is very freeing and I want others to feel better. I pride myself in being someone easy to talk to and confide in. I will be what I can be for others, but they need to tell me, I don't like assumptions, because it leads to misunderstanding."

 Person G: "Some said a phrase, some blew it off, some really cared and understood."

Person H: "I guess I kind of covered the first part about my mom. That and the anger at my unstable health would be something I could only work out in therapy. Lots of therapy. It was just mixed up with other issues and needed to be untangled together.

The social crowd I have been in for most of my adult life is made up of mostly guys. And the few girls and I all started out from this place of 'we're not girly, no one taught me how to do makeup and I don't need it anyway, here's my t-shirt and jeans, take it or leave it'. Since then it's evolved into a place where we all dabble in clothing and makeup. We care about how we look and know there's a time and place for it. I think we all had to get to a place for it. I think we all had to get to a place where we shed judgement. Including how we felt about our own selves. You can bet your ass that a lot of that for me came from the home environment I was raised in, with a fair dose of "fuck you and your established norms, I DO WHAT I WANT"."

Person I: “My entire life I have been thin. I have only weighed over 100lbs once—and that was because my boyfriend had me drink water until I hit 100 – I don’t know why I am so thin. But at the same time I have my inclinations. I think I am afraid. I am at a pretty constant weight ranging from 93-96lbs. The doctor is not concerned with my weight, since I eat fairly healthy and my tests come back normal. I have only every had one doctor tell me I need to exercise more.”

So great, we can talk about feelings, or try to for some. For some it helps and for some it doesn't. However, like most people will tell you...only you can change you. Easier said than done...no doubt what that. It took me a long time to finally get to the point where I was happy, at least for the most part. I have days, just like today, sweat pants, junk food, feeling bad about whatever is happening. I think it's healthy.

Part One: Let's Begin.

"To thine own self be true"

--William Shakespeare

 Never change who you are.

Such a bold statement. Not only ourselves, but as a society, we change. Sometimes it's good and sometimes...well...not so great. However, change is something that is bound to happen. 

With that being said, I can change and still stay true to myself. Sure my ideas and thoughts may change, but  tis life. Things change. People change. All you can do is hope that change is for the better.

What should really be explored is how do some people change for the better and some...not so much. I believe it's the world we place around us. Just go on Facebook, you will see post saying "since when did this become hotter than this?" with a picture of a model now verses one from the 40's or 50's. If you look at men's clothing the sizes are based on actual sizes, measurements. Women's clothing, at least most of them, change with the brands. In my closet right now I have bottoms ranging from size 8 to 14 and shirts from small to extra-large.

Now that's just sizing issues that can lead to having body issues. That's not to talk about feeling one gender and being another, being under weight, being over weight, seeing movie and TV stars, comparing yourself to others...the list could go on and on about how we're effected.

Lately it seems that companies and brands are trying to get people to understand and realize that all bodies are beautiful. It's slightly hard to realize that when it's been pushed into our minds for so long that we're not okay. We don't look okay. Who we are isn't okay. Why? What can we do about? Is there anything we can do? Can we talk about it? I think we can. These people are anonymous, even to myself.  Some of them didn't mind sharing their names as well as their stories, but I think it's better, at least for now, to keep everything anonymous.

One person speaks of PCOS. It's a common illness that effects most women. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It effects a lot of things in a woman's body and can cause issues in losing weight, having children and more. Learn more about here: http://www.webmd.com/women/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview. I encourage woman to get this checked out. I, myself, finding out I had PCOS about a year ago, it makes sense. I feel so much better now that I know what's going on and got the proper medication.

Now, with all of that being said that was all focused on mostly weight issues. There was some of the whole "not being comfortable" thing, but let's face it. Most people you talk to will tell you their body image issues come from a place of feeling like they don't fit into the "cookie cutter" design.  What about the other time of mind f*cks? What if you're simply trapped in the wrong body? That's a whole other set of issues one has to face. The sad part is, we're all facing the same issues. Feeling crappy about our looks and how we feel about ourselves. If this is true then why is something like lipo, Botox, or even tummy lifts, not to mention the other way around where people try to gain weigh to keep from being called names, some things no one bats an eye at, but changing your gender to feel better is frowned upon? Now, you may have your own thoughts and that's perfectly fine. I'm not asking you to agree or disagree with what anyone has said, including myself, I just want to look at the facts. Why is it okay for some people to get surgery's to feel better about themselves, no matter what for, and not others? Makes sense? I didn't think so.

This leaves me wondering when we start realizing that we're different? Is it something that's always there? Is it something that we learn over time?

Person A:  "There wasn't ever an "ah-ha!" first moment that I realized I had body issues. I feel like it's just something I've always dealt with. I distinctly remember being conscious about my insecurities, for the first time, when I got into my first "real" relationship, when I was 17, and I was actually considering have sex. Then the flood of "What if he doesn't...", "What if he thinks..." and other "what if" questions overwhelmed me."

Person B: "I first started realizing I had body issues when I was in the 7th grade. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have any siblings to teach me the right way to eat, or dress. All the other girls were skinny and wearing pink and bright colors while I was fat and tall and wearing mostly black clothing because I was embarrassed to dress girly."

 Person C: "When I was about 12 or 13. I would watch Mary-Kate and Ashley movies and sitcoms and compare my foreign structure to theirs, thinking I was "fat", when my actual bones were wider than theirs and my thighs can never have a thigh gap even in size 2 jeans. I've finally realized I'm just built differently, but still am not 100% with my current weight/size."

Person D: "I suppose it was when I was 10 years old, a family member told me that I looked like I was three months pregnant. I was used to being bullied at school and I even was back stabbed by my only friend, but that comment stuck with me. I'm 22 now and grew a lot taller, six feet tall to be exact. Now, you still can tell that I'm overweight, but no one can guess my weight, somehow it's hidden through my height. It followed me to when I was in high school. I would dodge mirrors because anytime I saw my own reflection. Immediately got nauseous and was entirely repulsed by it. I started starving myself. There was a point where I didn't eat anything for three days and I ended up dry heaving in the girl's bathroom. Although, I wasn't the only one doing that though. A ton of my classmates were bulimic and anorexic. Looking back, it's really sad that it was such a common thing. At that point I HATED MYSELF. I hated that hating myself, it's the worst feeling ever. I had severe depression that made me go into counseling and still deal with it till this day."

Person E:  "I first consciously realized it when I was in middle school. A friend commented on how I wear baggy clothes a lot. I wondered why and figured I was trying to hide myself."

Person F: "There is no time in my life I can remember before body issues. I was always too short, too chubby, my hair was wrong, I wore the wrong thing, I wore it the wrong way, I was bigger than everyone else my age. The list goes on."

Person  G: "Middle school. 7th grade volleyball. I was just getting to the puberty stage and was one of the last girls to shave their legs. I got made fun of for it and that night I asked for a razor. From then on, I was comparing anything and everything I did. I compared looks and body types."

Person H: "My body "issues" sort of came in phases. First there was a complete identity denial: my mom insisted that I wouldn't be a "slut or dyke" on her watch (this was the way she described any girls who dressed up or wore makeup), so I found it easiest to just be devoid of any identity at all. I dressed in jeans and shirts. There was a good year period where I just wore grey shirts and jeans. My uniform kept me from being noticed in middle school and kept her ire at a minimum.

Next, my body issues manifested not as anything related to identity, but more that feeling like my meatsack body was out to ruin everything. I struggled with health issues into my mid-20s that filled me with resentment and anger. Here I was, trying to work hard and my body would undermine my efforts with debilitating pain. I was really down on myself but not because of my physical appearance.

In my late 20s though, my health stabilized and I was able to focus on being my authentic self. That self looks and feels pretty genderfluid. That self a little fluffy, but doesn't think about it much. I don't diet, never have. I don't worry about how others think I look. I still rarely wear makeup. I was/am often way too busy being anxious about everything else in my life to worry about how I appear. While this isn't an "issue", it's the latest phase of my relationship with my body."

Person I: “Ever since I can remember I have had some degree of body issue. Of course every day is different; I think that is the hardest part. One day I can feel untouchable – drop dead gorgeous – and others, I just want to hide my face, my body, my hair. I don’t think hiding my issues help me any, those days I wear a hoodie - in a way this is calming, but at the same time – it is accepting defeat, accepting that I want to hide.”

Notice anything? Anything at all? Anything that all of these stories and people share? How about how they noticed a change young, about puberty stage....then it stayed with them? Why did it stay with them? Why do people call it a phrase if it stays with you?