This Post Is Needed

**Disclaimer** This post is needed for many different reasons. I need it to help in more ways than one and I think other's need it because I know a lot of people who are like me. It does take a lot to admit when you're not okay and that's fine, but there comes a point when you really have to think about life. 

Let's talk about life. Let's talk about your deep dark fears. Let's talk about the time when you were most happy. Let's talk about the future. Let's talk about the past. Talking is something people do every day. In person we talk, over the phone we talk, we text, we e-mail and we even talk with just moving our bodies. How is it that something we do every day freaks people out when it comes to life? Life is something we all go through. We will live it, we have already lived some of it and yet people still shy away from subjects. 

I can admit that I am one of those people. I get shy and nervous. I hate talking about the past and I hate opening up to people. I do; however, find people who I just seem to click with and without thinking I just let me walls come down and open up. Maybe it's not all the way at first, but it's more than I do with most people. My last post was about my past and my mother. That is a subject I hardly talk about, or one I just try to shrug off like nothing. Yet, I've been able to open up about it more lately. I'm really proud of that; however, it's still not something I enjoy talking about and it's not something that I want to bring up. 

With all of that being said, I am a talker. I'm a person that when something goes wrong I just need to talk it out. I gotta talk everything out to get it clear in my mind so I feel good about life and things. It's just how I am. Get everything off my chest and just move on. I understand that not everyone is like that, but I don't understand people who just run away. Perhaps it's because I use to just shove my emotions down and act like nothing bothered me so now I get opening up and talking. (at least a bit more) 

Anyways, I just feel like when I open up and then the person I open up to just bails. Well. I should back up a little before I go into a rant. I have been told I'm pretty great (lets face it...I am ;)) The point you can only hear it so much. It sucks coming from someone that you trusted and they're saying that because they are hurting you or have hurt you. I know it's something everyone can relate to. It's nothing to be ashamed of, saying you're hurt or that you're tired of hearing the same things over and over. 

What upsets me most is that it does come from someone that I have opened up to and trust and then they just drop you like you are nothing, BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE, then they tell you how great you are. You had me in your life and now you're kicking me out! 

This may seem like I'm taking a personal hit on someone, but I'm not. It's not just one person, it's multiple people from my past, but who it is about has nothing to do with anything. I could start a list of names, but it wouldn't change anything. Pointing fingers and name calling won't change who they are or what they did or the way I feel or felt about them. I open myself up, maybe to easily sometimes, but I just know deep down I know they're good people. I don't hang around bad people. I won't believe that I do either. However, it doesn't stop the hurt.

There is a point when one person has to put their foot down and say enough is enough. I get into slums where I'm so tired of hearing that I'll do better and I'm a better person. It might be true, it might not be, the point is I have to believe it no matter what. If I don't believe it, I will never break the cycle of bad and I will never get out of my funk. Overall, I'm a very happy person. We all have our days and there is nothing wrong with that. I have no reason to let someone else tell me other wise or to make me feel any less happy. I will always forgive people (unless it's something super crazy, don't go thinking you can kill someone and I'll be cool...I'm not that relaxed!). I will always be willing to talk things out and hear you out, even if you don't want to talk until years later. 

Focus on the good things. The smallest little burst of happiness you get through out the way. 

Here are some of mine for today.

• The office isn't super hot.
• It's payday!
• My cat was playing the "get you" game this morning.
• Google "Kermit doing the face" You'll understand. 
• Getting to see some of my favorite co-workers.
• Being able to wear a dress!
• Texting...just texting.
• My birthday weekend starts after work today!

See how simple the list is? Yet, it keeps me going and reminds me that it's the small things. Only I can keep myself happy and whoever wants to join the ride is pretty lucky.

Things just kinda happen

With events from this past week I've been thinking about everything from the past. The worst part is that Miley Cyrus has been stuck in my head. "I Miss You", I should say. I'm not sure why that songs still out, well I do, but it's something I'd rather not talk about.

Good things this week though, I've been closer to people who I have missed, or who I have wanted to get to know better. I'm very excited about that. I decided to take back my life and for everything that stresses me out, I've been kicking back with something that has been making me happy.

Yesterday it was shopping and my good friend I hadn't seen in a while, the day before that it was a Grumpy Cat coffee, my cat, things I like about myself, today it was the sun, my lunch, eating lunch with another one of my good friends. Truly focusing on the small things that will be the best things about my day.

One of the biggest things that made me happy was that I got two shirts that were a size SMALL! (Then it made me laugh because at the same store, I got a shirt that was a large...seriously, what is wrong with women's sizing?!)

Malice front of things, I still haven't heard back about being able to use "Malice in Wonderland". I have found out I'm terrible at waiting for things. Patience isn't a bad thing, embrace it. <---sounds words of advice for life in general.

One of my friends quoted something off my blog and it made me stop and think. It was a really good quote and I was proud of myself that it came from my mind. Like seriously, mind blown moment.
I'm determined to write a huge long post about everything that's been going on, but for now I'll leave you all with a little story of my life.

When my mom got sick for the second time, I went into a shell. I stopped eating and just went through the motions of life without really living. It is something I regret, but here's how I'm feeling now about it all. I can admit that I stopped eating. I can admit I had a problem. I can admit that I feel better now and that, although some days I don't eat much, I am eating. I'm healthier, I want to be healthier. My step-father and I were talking about my eating habits (he brings up how little I eat almost all the time) and he just said "you were quite angry there for a while." It was such a simple statement, but the words ran so deep within me. I was angry, I was beyond angry! The one thing I could control, eating and the boys I dated. It's weird looking back at it. I had to be dating someone or I would go insane. I just needed someone to be there to tell me it was all going to be okay. It took some time before I realized I was the one needing to tell myself it would be okay. I pulled myself out of my funk. Now, I will admit I rush into relationship, for the excitement of someone else's attention. It isn't always the best thing, but it's me. I can slow down, but the adventure awaits to far to exciting. People say I'm young, I have time, it's true. People also say my mom is young...so young. She is young and yet, she can't do things I get to do every day. I get up out of bed, I shower, I dress myself, I go to the bathroom by myself. These things are things people don't think about, but I do. So when an adventure comes knocking it's something I jump at.
It doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking. I am. It's just that young for some people ends with high school. It ends when you can finally say "I'll be okay" to yourself and you mean it. It ends when you start eating. It ends when you start loving yourself and living in the moment.
If that makes me crazy, so be it. If that means I move a little to fast or even to slow sometimes, so be it. I'm just being me.
We all have things going on. We all have hard times, good times, and all times in between. Everyone handles things differently. The only thing you can do is know that one day you'll be able to say "I'm okay." It won't fix things, you'll still be broken and it'll be a fight every day, but it'll be okay. You're not alone. You'll never be alone. Find the same things that make you happy through out the day and then one day, before you know it, you'll just be....okay. Sometimes okay is simply perfect.

Goodbye Wonderland?

I found out that because someone in Washington State shares the same derby name, I might have to change mine. If I can get written permission from the other that it is okay to use the name then it will be no problem. I was going to give it a week or so to see if I heard back. I only found the teams facebook page. I did message them, they did read it, and now it's a waiting game. I'm not sure what will happen if hey don't message me back.
If nothing else I will change my name is Malice in SlamHerLand. I thought it was funny.

In other news, my ankle is sprained....which we knew, but it was worse than I was first told. I'll be off of skates for, at least, another month. If I ever want to go back to skating I will need high top skates, which they don't make for derby. So that means a brace it is. My sister says she doesn't see why I will forever need one, but the sports doctor said. So I guess we will see.

Guess that's all for now!

It's been to long

Well then I feel ashamed that I have let my blog just slip out of my fingers. I am going to an MD on Tuesday to finally (hopefully) get the ball rolling about my ankle. It still has it's days, but I can get into my derby stance now, which I'm THRILLED about.
However, the more I NSO the more I'm just starting to love that side of things. Skating and NSOing is possible, but it is harder....I guess. Maybe.
Anyways, the important part is right now I can NSO, Saturday is the season opener and my shirt is so cute. I finally get to go by Malice, "Malice in Wonderland" of course is my derbs name. Calling derby derbs has got to be one of my favorite things, fyi.


Anywho, I went on a weekend trip to Ohio with my sister and my niece for derby. It was a blast. On top of that I started talking to this wonderful person, who I can now call boyfriend...still weird, but we're both pretty weird. I guess it works out. The weekend was a blast, I needed it. I started talking to more of, not only my derby girls, but people from other teams! It's amazing to listen to some of the girls and how many of them just love the sport and love the other team. It's truly an amazing community that derby has provided to people.
I could truly write forever on how much derby has changed people lives...maybe I will do that one day.


Needless to say, things are pretty good on this. Turns out having to turn down my DCP just might have been what was best.


Things have a weird way of working out like that...don't they?